One of the issues with which many of us grapple is our need for other people’s approval. We expend a great deal of energy trying to get friends, colleagues and even family members to like us. This need for approval is particularly acute on the national stage. American Jews, myself included, possess a great need to be liked by our non-Jewish neighbors which is why it has been so painful to see pro-Hamas demonstrations at the very universities “we thought” liked us.
Something I have learned though, in interacting with my many Israeli friends: Israelis don’t care nearly as much about what people say or think about them. I’m not saying Israeli’s don’t care at all. No one likes to be criticized all the time, but Israelis seem to draw their attitude not from what others think, but from what they think is right.
This idea is reflected in this week’s parsha: After the devastating flood, Noach planted a vineyard and became intoxicated. The Torah describes a very unflattering scene where Noach is found drunk and disrobed in his tent. The reactions of Noach’s three sons, Shem, Cham and Yefet, to their father in this state were very different and, according to Chazal, laid the groundwork for future generations. Cham, the Torah tells us, gazed at his father. The commentaries explain that he took advantage of his father’s compromised state and violated him. However, Shem and Yefet took a garment, walked backwards so as not to show any disrespect, and covered their father’s nakedness with a cloth.
In describing this act of respect, the Torah says: “Vayikach Shem v’Yefet et hasimla, and Shem and Yefet took,” but the word vayikach, “and he took,” is in the singular even though it was both Shem and Yefet who took the garment and covered their father. Rashi explains the grammatical oddity by saying that Shem initiated the action and Yefet merely followed him. Therefore, continues Rashi, “Shem merited the mitzvah of tzitzit and Yefet merited the mitzvah of burial.” The Torah then tells us that Noah blessed his son Yefet by saying that “God should grant beauty to Yefet,” and we have a tradition that whereas the Jewish people come from Shem, the Greek civilization is descendant from Yefet.
What does this all mean?
Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik spoke of two different motivating factors in human behavior: ethics and etiquette. In the words of the Rav: “Ethics obligates a person to do what is right and just, even if he is by himself and there are no other people around who will see him to praise his actions. To the contrary, even if there are other people there who will mock him for his desire to do what is right, he will do what is right because of his strong sense of ethics. Etiquette, on the other hand, is a matter of beauty which is dependent upon the input and the approval of other people. Etiquette changes from time to time and from country to country. Etiquette is something that emerges from the way in which something will appear in the eyes of other people.”
Shem, explained Rabbi Soloveitchik, had the courage to be the first one to cover the nakedness of his father, even though no one was telling him to do so. On an ethical level, Shem knew that covering his father was the right thing to do. And that’s why the Jewish people, the descendants of Shem, merited the mitzvah of tzitzit. Tzitzit are worn beneath one’s clothing so they reflect an inner sense of right and wrong, irrespective of what may appear on the outside or of what others may say.
Yefet, on the other hand, did not act because it was the right thing to do. He covered his father but only after Shem did. And he did so, Rabbi Soloveitchik said,“only so that Shem would look upon him with a good eye…it was a matter of etiquette.” Therefore, the reward for Yefet was burial since the mitzvah of burial stems from the honor we give to the deceased: It doesn’t look right to casually discard the remains of a person after their soul has departed. It would be the highest disregard of etiquette which is the blessing Noah gave to Yefet to whom God bestowed a sense of beauty, of aesthetics or etiquette.
Ultimately the Shechinah (God’s presence) rests in the tents of Shem and not Yefet for our actions need to be motivated more by ethics and not simply etiquette. Judaism demands we make decisions based on what’s right and not by what will bring us greater approval.
Our brothers and sisters in Israel face the same challenge today: Will Israel act in a way that is moral or simply in a manner that will gain the world’s approval? Given Israel’s predicament today, gaining the world’s approval means Israel having to give up on its moral duty to defend itself. Many know that Israel is more than justified in doing what it needs to do to stop rocket attacks from Hamas, Hezbollah and Iran. Israel is, nonetheless, cast in a negative light since retaliation inevitably results in civilian casualties. However, deciding not to take out those rocket installations because it brings world condemnation is choosing etiquette over ethics.
Israelis, in general, are not as concerned with the way things appear as we are in America. Living among our non-Jewish friends and neighbors with whom we generally have good relations, we become more concerned with the way things appear, and sometimes not enough about what is moral and right. We can learn from our Israeli brethren, who may not have the same etiquette but remain focused on ethics. It may be rare to hear an Israeli say “excuse me” when they bump into you on the bus, but only in Israel will you see a bus driver putting the entire vehicle in park, getting up and helping a mother with her carriage onto the bus. The driver may seem gruff or uncaring, but in the end, he does the right thing.
Often the right thing isn’t the popular thing. Saying no to a night out with friends when you have a family obligation certainly won’t make you more popular, but it’s the right thing to do. Not participating in some gossip about a co-worker may cost you some status points in the office, but it’s taking the high road.
Asking a colleague to hold a lunch meeting at a kosher restaurant may not make you more popular but it’s the Jewish thing to do. There’s a story of a luncheon with prominent attorneys in London at which the guest speaker was none other than King Charles of England (who was Prince Charles at the time). One of the lawyers who attended the luncheon was an observant Jew who ordered a kosher meal. The kosher meal, as always, came double wrapped in plastic. As the lawyer was eating his meal, another attorney walked in and began to ridicule him: “Why do you have to make such a spectacle of yourself with all this plastic? I’m also Jewish, you know, why not just eat whatever everyone else is eating?” Later, after Prince Charles finished his presentation and was making his way out of the room, he passed by the table of the observant Jew and took notice of all the plastic. He stopped and asked the gentleman why he was eating something different from the rest. The lawyer explained that he observes the Jewish laws of kashrut. Prince Charles then started to share how, as part of his university studies, he attended a theological seminary where they studied the Jewish dietary laws, and the two got into a whole conversation about diet and spirituality. When the other Jewish man overheard the conversation, he chimed in, “You know, I’m also Jewish.” Prince Charles turned to the man and asked, “So where is your kosher meal?”
The kosher man chose ethics over etiquette. He put up with a little plastic and flimsy cutlery to follow something in the Torah. To gain other people’s approval, etiquette may win the day, but to gain respect, you need ethics. Having other people approve our actions may make us feel better in the short term, but real happiness can only be attained when we know we’re doing the right thing.
When making important decisions, rather than looking around for guidance,we should instead look up. May God bless Israel’s leaders with the strength to follow what is right over what is liked, and may we merit to see the IDF succeed in defeating our enemies and bringing home every one of the hostages.
Rabbi Mark Wildes, founder, Manhattan Jewish Experience (MJE), a highly successful Jewish outreach program which engages 20’s/30’s in Jewish life and which has facilitated 383 marriages
