Welcome back to “How Should I Know?”—the only column where you can send any question about Pesach and know with absolute certainty that you’ll probably have to send it somewhere else too. I hope you made copies.

Dear Mordechai,

My family and I were saying “Ha Lachma Anya,” and as soon as we said, “All who are hungry, let them come and eat,” someone knocked at our door. So we let him in! It’s pretty awkward, though, because he doesn’t seem to know what Pesach is, he doesn’t seem to understand any other Aramaic words that we say to him, and all he keeps talking about is how he wants to save us money on our energy bill. He also seemed less interested once we said, “This year we are here, but next year we’ll be in Israel.” What should we do?

Hugh Lachmanya

Dear Hugh,

If he honestly has no idea what’s going on, you should have him read the Ma Nishtana.

“Whoa, this book took the questions right out of my mouth! How did it know?”

Then you can read Avadim Hayinu and send him to bed.

Dear Mordechai,

I’d like to try selling my own chametz this year, to maybe earn some extra cash for Pesach. How do I go about this?

$₵₤

Dear $,

I don’t know. For some reason, whenever I picture a rabbi selling chametz, I always picture him selling it to a homeless guy. And I don’t know why. There are plenty of business goyim too. Lawyers, cops, salesmen…

“Sir, do you want to switch energy carriers?”

“I don’t know; do you want to buy the contents of this taped-up closet, sight unseen, estimated value $50?”

“I think I have to leave.”

“Wait! At least take this unopened case of Cheerios!”

You know what? Just ask your rabbi how he does it.

Dear Mordechai,

Do we have to do the whole afikoman thing? My parents did it, but I don’t know; I’m not crazy about teaching my kids that they get rewarded for stealing.

C.S.

Dear Cheapskate,

That’s a great question. We do all these things so the kids will ask why, plus we have them hide the afikoman, but none of them ever really ask WHY we have them hide the afikoman. They just take that at face value. Sure, we want everyone to be excited and awake, but why do we have to hide the matzah? Why not hide the egg?

Okay, so there are some great reasons that we don’t hide the egg.

But for example, maybe the point of hiding the matzah is so no one accidentally eats it before Tzafun. Especially once we bring out all the supplemental kezeisim, and there are pieces everywhere, and it’s hard to tell which is which.

In fact, the Shulchan Aruch (not Orech) mentions that we should give the matzah to someone else to watch for us. We need a shomer.

But who can be trusted to not eat the matzah themselves? Everyone you know is starving, except the non-Jew you sold your chametz to, who is totally going to misunderstand what’s happening here. (Plus there are kashrus issues—he might substitute it for his non-kosher handmade shmurah matzah.) So it has to be your kids.

But really, are your kids responsible? Your kids who can’t remember not to lean on the matzos so that you’ve had to replace them seven times already and you’re not even up to Yachatz? And what’s to stop them from eating it in the meantime? What’s to stop them from trying to trick each other into eating the afikoman?

“Ha ha! Now you can’t eat for the rest of the night!”

Maybe if they know they’re going to get something if they return it to you in one piece. Or however many pieces you gave it to them in. (In one bag, at least.)

Because what kind of shomer are you looking for here? A shomer chinam? A shomer chinam isn’t responsible for theft. In fact, you yourself were watching the matzah for free, and it got stolen! Your kids proved that!

It also works if they hide it in some impossible hiding spot and then fall asleep.

Have a question for “How Should I Know?” Put it away for next year.

Mordechai Schmutter is a freelance writer and a humor columnist for Hamodia and other magazines. He has also published eight books and does stand-up comedy. You can contact him at [email protected].