Recently, I wrote about marriage and the necessity of not commenting or even looking or thinking about your spouse in areas that he/she wants or needs to be left alone with. I received many comments. Interestingly, they were about evenly divided between those who complained that I was too concerned about husband’s issues, and those who said that I was too obsessed with women’s issues! I guess maybe that means I was fair. In some cases, the reaction was strong.
One woman raised many very important issues. She writes “He keeps forgetting to take care of bills, garbage, etc. This leaves the wife stuck doing his responsibilities as well as her own! Should she just forget it? How many times?” She talks about the husband procrastinating, or doing negative things in front of the children, or almost never responding to her emotional needs. Should she just let it go? These are not petty issues. But they are not uncommon issues either. Indeed, aside from the very small number of couples who might say that they don’t have those kinds of problems, what couple or marriage isn’t plagued with them, even in very good marriages? Let me first comment on a related issue.
I had a discussion recently with a married woman who had a relationship with another man who was a business associate. It was the relationship that she had always dreamt of. The man was kind, caring and very attentive, and the physical side was unlike anything she had ever experienced (though it was all through the internet and Skype.) Her whole life she had yearned for a deep and truly meaningful relationship with a man that she would respect and who would respect her, something she never had with her husband. It went on for several months, but then faltered when the man kept reminding her (as he had from the beginning of the contact) that he was happily married and wouldn’t allow anything to interfere with that.
She was also uncomfortable with the limits that he put on their connection. And so now she is VERY unhappy, continually asking herself “Did he really mean it? Was he just saying things that weren’t real?” She is deeply in shock. I can certainly understand her confusion and distress. Here, after much of her life, she finally came across the first and only relationship that was true and real and meaningful. It wasn’t because she took her marriage lightly (though she did.) She is a fairly conservative woman with traditional values, but was deeply anguished. After much discussion and hesitation, I shared with her an idea that I am convinced is at the root of marriage, and in many ways, of life itself.
That idea is commitment. It is the glue that keeps a marriage together, it is the meaning that is built into life, even when we can’t find any meaning. It is what keeps us and our precious institutions going even when they present problems for us. You see, there is NO marriage that is perfect and almost none even close to perfect (though there are many that are great in spite of, or more correctly, virtually ignoring the real problems that are there!) Some marriages generally go by smoothly and people just overlook the problems. Those are the marriages that seem perfect (and in many ways, are). But those are very few. Most have serious or great problems that often don’t go away. People either learn to overlook what they can’t change and grow to have good or great marriages.
In some instances they get worse, and the people in them become angrier and bitter and in others some of them eventually leave the marriage and divorce. What people don’t understand is that if you don’t learn to overlook, it generally doesn’t get better, it gets worse! Divorce is a necessary solution only in response to REALLY serious issues, like significant abuse or danger or terrible addictions (when there is no help). In all others, if people are really committed, they keep going and make the best of a sometimes, or frequently, difficult situation. They overlook the problems–not because they don’t exist, but because they are committed to making their marriage the best that it can be. They almost don’t notice the problems–they rejoice in their imperfect marriage and in the fact that they are working to make it as good as it can be.
There is MUCH benefit in doing this. They don’t look outside their marriage for fulfillment, not because they can’t or because it’s wrong, but because they are committed to their marriage. They reap the benefits of marriage. They aren’t alone (even if they sometimes feel alone, because their partner can’t tune in the way they want or always dreamt about.) They have at least some of the health benefits that people who are married gain, and their children are almost always better off if their parents are married. They don’t care that their mother or father is terribly lonely or unfulfilled, all they care about is that they have both of their parents. People who truly do this, DO have better marriages, perhaps not fairy tale marriages, but better than if they suffer their whole lives and eventually end it.
So it is with life. How many frum people don’t have significant doubts or problems with frumkeit? But if they are committed, they don’t continually focus on these issues–they keep going and pay little attention to these concerns. They reap the great benefits of a life and community that is overwhelmingly wonderful. If they were to choose to, they could make themselves more and more miserable, until they are forced to leave. If they do leave, their life is not generally better. They have just traded in one set of problems with another set and probably, over all, are less happy with the outcome.
If you are miserable in your marriage, you may consider leaving it, but don’t imagine that you will be inheriting a goldmine. You probably will suffer, your spouse will suffer, and your children will definitely suffer. I understand that these things are very difficult to understand, but I truly hope and pray that you can stop complaining about your spouse’s defects (though they are real) and instead not pay attention to them–go on and work on making your marriage as good as it can be.
May we all be blessed with a new year that we strive to make as good as possible.
Please feel free to contact me regarding this (or any) topic. You can do so anonymously by writing to [email protected] Dr. Glick was a clinical psychologist in private practice for 35 years as well as the rabbi of Congregation Ahavat Yisrael in Montreal. If you would like to submit a question, or contact him for an appointment, he can be reached at [email protected] or by calling him at 201-983-1532.
By Rabbi Dr. Mordechai Glick
