Once upon a time, many years ago, I was a student in Stern College for Women and Others, as I affectionately referred to it. I can honestly say I enjoyed almost every minute of my four years there. One of the things that I was very excited about was that I did not have to take any math classes. In lieu of evil math, I was able to fulfill the requirement with a magical class known as Computers 101. In the fall of 1988, computers were still mystical creatures that did not take residence in every home in America. The home computer we had weighed about 300 pounds; I am pretty sure that there were very few laptops and printers that made noises akin to an airplane taking off. So I was very excited to learn about computers in college and to not have to learn anything related to math.
Well folks, my final project in this class, the project that was to determine my grade for the semester, was to write a program that would print out a calendar for any year I entered into the computer. This was very high tech, at the time, like working for the NSA. There was trial and error, printing out three Junes or a December with 36 days in it…it was all very complicated. We just could not get the year 2000 to print out. Tears were shed, Entenmann’s was consumed, bagel-dogs were microwaved (whatever happened to the bagel-dog–a hot dog wrapped in a bagel–how could that product fail?), weight was gained, but in the end, the women and others of Stern College prevailed. I think we even got an A. We were ready for Computers 102.
Fast forward to now. Mac Books, Mac Books pro, Mac Books pro-air, touch screens, wireless printers, iPhones…the list of computer-related gadgets is endless. Every home has some form of computer; even those homes that cannot afford food or clothing have a computer. And the computers are lightweight and colorful. The smart phones come with all different apps (though the only app that my grandma flippy phone has is chopped liver…get it app-appetizer? Sorry…) and almost every person in America has a smart phone. Yes, I know I have mentioned before that I do not have a smart phone. But apparently, my friends still refuse to believe me and they send me MMS aka group texts. Do you know what happens to grandma flippy when she receives one of these group texts? She vibrates for about five seconds and then has a stroke and shuts off. I have to take her battery out, reinsert it and turn her back on. Poor thing.
I am assuming that this happens to her because everyone’s phones keep getting smarter and poor grandma drives around in a horse and buggy. I am worried that one day she won’t even be able to make phone calls and will need to be put in a nursing home (oh wait, that is what I am worried about).
Enough about grandma flippy. A couple of months ago, something happened to my computer. It asked me for my password. I typed in my password. It told me that my password wasn’t valid. I remained calm and typed it in again, and again I was rejected. Since my computer is up on the third floor of my palatial estate and the intercom system was broken (no one heard me screaming like a banshee) and the hired help was gone for the day (because she was upstairs on the computer), I had to waddle down the stairs to ask my beloved family if anyone, unbeknownst to me, had changed the password. It is never a good idea to ask a question to my family in the middle of baseball season (or basketball season, or hockey season or football season or FIFA or Wimbledon or the US Open) but after yelling, “Hey, my head just fell off,” four dumbfounded faces looked at me and said, “We didn’t change your password, now move because you are blocking the TV!” Yes, welcome to my world.
My brother told me that it could’ve been a virus and I asked how my poor computer could have contracted a virus when I have been so careful about washing his hands (thank you, I’ll be here all week, don’t forget to tip your waitress). I wouldn’t accept that answer, so after begging and pleading, I cajoled son #1 into helping me with the problem. I have no idea what he did or how he did it, but somehow, out of thin air and a few keystrokes, he fixed the problem. And all I could think was “this better not happen when he is in Israel for the year or I am in big trouble.”
I am still amazed that he knew how to fix the problem. I am amazed when his brothers know how to make videos and do all sorts of other things on the computer when I am just happy to be able to turn my computer on and off. And yet, when they need a calendar of the year 2046, all they have to do is Google it, whereas I, the computer whiz of Stern College class of 1992, can write the actual program…Maybe grandma flippy has a chance after all.
Banji Ganchrow is a self-proclaimed writer who only learned how to copy and paste a few months ago…not that there is anything wrong with that!
By Banji Latkin Ganchrow
