Dear Penina,
About a year ago, our son got married to a wonderful young woman. The couple is very happy, but I have a difficult time connecting with my daughter-in-law. I have tried so many things, sending her gifts, taking her out for coffee or dinner, calling to check in, but nothing seems to work. When we invite them for Shabbos, they often decline, and when they do come, she seems withdrawn. She has a good relationship with her mother, and interestingly, she has connected with my two older daughters—they talk on the phone regularly and sometimes get together. I can’t figure out what I am doing wrong. I brought this up with one of my older daughters and she said that I should leave it alone and it will just take time. But I feel that as time goes on, this becomes “normal” for our relationship. What should I do?
Signed,
Disappointed Mother-in-Law
Dear Disappointed Mother-in-Law,
Thank you for submitting such an important and relatable question. Asking for help isn’t easy, yet we all need it! Marrying off children is such an exciting time for families, but navigating in-law relationships can be tricky. It’s understandable to feel disappointed when your relationship with your daughter-in-law isn’t what you’d hoped for. Building a strong relationship takes time, especially when everyone is adjusting to new family dynamics.
It’s great that you’re trying to connect with your daughter-in-law through gifts, outings and calls. These gestures are kind and your intentions are good. However, it’s also important to respect her boundaries and avoid overwhelming her. Try not to take things personally, rather see things from her perspective.
Think about times when you did connect. What was the setting? Were you alone with her or was it a group setting? Was your son with her? She might respond better in certain settings, and you can try to replicate those settings. Everyone has their own “love languages,” and learning how she best connects will help you connect with her.
Most importantly, remember that the couple’s happiness is paramount. By celebrating your son finding his bashert, you demonstrate a positive attitude toward their marriage. This will naturally foster a better relationship with your daughter-in-law. Be patient and intentional, trust that your genuine efforts will be recognized over time.
All the best,
Penina
Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples and families. She received her master’s in social work from Fordham University in 2003, and advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Penina is also a passionate advocate of premarital education within the Jewish community. Penina also contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. Penina can be reached at [email protected].
