Motherhood, with all its joys, challenges and transformations, often demands a delicate balance between control and surrender. The act of caring for another human being can bring forth a strong desire for control. However, motherhood is also intrinsically filled with uncertainty and the unknown. Whether it’s navigating sleepless nights with a newborn, managing the pressures of parenting, or facing the inevitable ups and downs of a child’s development, many mothers struggle with the tension between wanting to control their circumstances and accepting what they cannot.
Control is a fundamental human desire. It offers a sense of stability, security and predictability, which are crucial for mental health. When it comes to motherhood, control often manifests as a desire to ensure that everything goes smoothly, that the child is healthy, happy and well-behaved, and that the household runs in an organized and efficient manner. Many mothers feel the weight of this responsibility acutely, as they believe that their ability to control their environment reflects their competence as a parent.
Psychologically, the need for control can stem from a variety of sources:
- Fear of the Unknown: The birth of a child marks the beginning of a completely new and unpredictable chapter.
- Perfectionism: Some mothers may feel a pressure to control every aspect of motherhood to meet an idealized standard of what “good” parenting looks like. This could involve controlling their child’s behavior, their own emotional responses and even their physical surroundings.
- Societal Expectations: Social pressures often reinforce the need for control. The idealized image of the “perfect mother” in media and culture can lead mothers to believe they need to control every aspect of their lives to meet these standards. Failure to do so might lead to feelings of inadequacy or guilt.
- Fear of Inadequacy: Many mothers experience the fear that they are not doing enough or are somehow failing their children.
Despite the intense desire for control, motherhood is inherently filled with uncertainty. Babies cry without explanation, toddlers throw tantrums for reasons that seem unfathomable, and children go through phases that can feel like emotional rollercoasters. Even older children present new challenges, as parents must contend with evolving developmental stages, school pressures and social dynamics.
The unknown in motherhood often triggers anxiety, stress and feelings of helplessness. As much as a mother may strive to manage every moment, she quickly learns that many factors are beyond her influence — health issues, developmental milestones and even societal shifts affecting her child’s worldview.
While seeking control is a natural impulse, when it becomes excessive or unrealistic it can negatively affect a mother’s mental health. The constant pressure to control everything, coupled with the anxiety created by the unknown, can result in:
Anxiety and Depression: Feeling unable to meet the high expectations of motherhood or managing the unpredictable aspects of raising a child can trigger symptoms of anxiety or depression. The fear of making mistakes or the constant comparison to others can exacerbate these feelings.
Burnout: Trying to control every aspect of motherhood can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion. Burnout can manifest as irritability, fatigue and a sense of being emotionally “numb” or disconnected from the children and the world around them.
Guilt and Shame: Mothers often experience guilt when they feel like they have failed to meet their own standards or society’s expectations. This guilt can be compounded when they cannot control certain aspects of their child’s behavior or well-being.
Perfectionism and Self-Criticism: When mothers believe they must control everything to be “good enough,” they may become overly self-critical, setting unattainably high standards for themselves and creating a cycle of frustration and inadequacy.
Motherhood is a journey of constant change and learning to navigate the tension between control and the unknown requires self-compassion, resilience and flexibility. Here are some strategies to help mothers manage their mental health in the face of uncertainty:
Practice Acceptance
One of the most powerful tools a mother can develop is the ability to accept what is beyond her control. This doesn’t mean giving up or being passive, it means acknowledging that life is unpredictable and sometimes the best thing a mother can do is to manage her own responses to challenging situations. Practicing mindfulness, such as focusing on the present moment rather than obsessing over the future, can help mothers cope with uncertainty.
Reframe Perfectionism
Instead of striving for perfection, mothers can learn to embrace “good enough” parenting. It’s important to recognize that children don’t need perfect mothers; they need consistent, loving and engaged caregivers. Aiming for perfection can be a source of stress but being present and responsive in moments of imperfection builds resilience both in the mother and the child.
Build a Support Network
Support from family, friends and communities is essential for mental health. Talking with others who understand the challenges of motherhood can help alleviate feelings of isolation. Professional support, such as therapy or counseling, can also offer valuable tools to manage anxiety, depression and parenting stress.
Set Realistic Expectations
Mothers often face a disconnect between their expectations and reality. Setting realistic goals and acknowledging that parenting is a journey full of unexpected twists can help alleviate unnecessary pressure. Embracing flexibility rather than rigid expectations can help mothers feel more equipped to handle the unknowns.
Self-Care
It’s essential for mothers to carve out time for themselves, both physically and emotionally. Self-care doesn’t always mean spa days or vacations — simple acts like going for a walk, journaling or pursuing hobbies can help recharge a mother’s mental health. Prioritizing self-care sends the message that a mother’s well-being matters, and it allows her to show up more fully for her children.
Motherhood is a beautiful, often chaotic, and deeply rewarding experience, but it’s also one of the most unpredictable life stages. By learning to accept the unknown, reframing perfectionism, seeking support, setting realistic expectations, and practicing self-care, mothers can foster a sense of resilience that will benefit both their mental health and their children’s development.
At the end of the day, motherhood is not about being in control of everything — it’s about navigating the ups and downs with grace, flexibility and the recognition that uncertainty is part of the journey. By embracing the unknown, mothers can find peace in the process, learning to thrive even in the most unpredictable of circumstances.
Gabrielle Moskovitz is a therapist at Collaborative Minds Psychotherapy specializing in maternal mental health. She is passionate about advocating for women’s mental health access with issues such as infertility, pregnancy loss, postpartum anxiety and depression, and struggles with motherhood. Gabrielle is currently pursuing a Perinatal Mental Health Certification (PMHC) through PSI. Follow along @thecheftherapist on Instagram for tips, resources and personal stories. To schedule an appointment with Gabrielle, visit www.collaborativeminds.net/gabrielle.
