July 3, 2025

Linking Northern and Central NJ, Bronx, Manhattan, Westchester and CT

Linking Northern and Central NJ, Bronx, Manhattan, Westchester and CT

Dating Doubts or R-OCD? Understanding the Difference

Sruly has been dating Tova for a few weeks. She’s kind, thoughtful, and checks all the boxes. His parents love her. His rebbe approves. But Sruly can’t shake the nagging doubt: “What if she’s not the one?” or “How do I know for sure?”

For many singles, these thoughts feel like normal “cold feet.” In some cases, they may even point to a more specific clinical condition known as relationship obsessive-compulsive cisorder (R-OCD). And in other cases, the concerns are perfectly valid—a sign that something may truly be off. Understanding the differences is crucial in building healthy, lasting relationships.

 

What Is R-OCD?

R-OCD is a subtype of OCD in which the obsession focuses on doubts about a romantic partner. Unlike the more well-known form of OCD, which may involve visible compulsions like repeated handwashing, R-OCD tends to primarily consist of internal obsessions: a loop of intrusive thoughts and mental checking.

Instead of “What if my hands aren’t clean enough?” it becomes, “What if I don’t really love them?” or “What if there’s someone better out there?”

It’s not just a passing worry. It’s an exhausting cycle of doubt, fueled by the brain’s attempt to eliminate uncertainty—a futile effort when it comes to relationships, which are inherently uncertain.

 

Where Does It Come From?

R-OCD often appears in people with broader OCD tendencies: difficulty making decisions, perfectionism, discomfort with uncertainty. Add in the high stakes of marriage in the frum community—including social pressure and a more permanent commitment—and you have fertile ground for this anxiety to flourish.

But here’s the nuance: Not every doubt is pathological. Sometimes, people simply don’t like the person they’re dating. The trick is learning to distinguish between a gut feeling to listen to and an anxious loop to observe but not obey. So how can someone tell whether they’re experiencing anxiety or real incompatibility?

 

The Role of Inner Voice

One of the most important aspects of R-OCD is how it disconnects people from their own instincts. They often know, on some deep level, that the person they’re dating is or is not a good match—but they struggle to trust that knowing. The goal in therapy is to help them reconnect with their inner voice and then build tolerance for the doubts that inevitably arise.

Unfortunately, well-meaning advisers often make things worse. A parent might say, “She’s a great girl, just go for it.” A rebbe might offer reassurance. But reassurance is the fuel for OCD. It may provide a short burst of calm—but it reinforces the idea that doubt is dangerous and must be eliminated.

 

How Is R-OCD Treated?

For OCD of all types, including R-OCD, the gold standard treatment is exposure and response prevention (ERP). This involves helping clients confront their fear head-on (e.g., “What if this isn’t the right one?”) and not seek reassurance. Over time, they learn that they can feel anxiety—and survive it—without resolving the question.

Another helpful model is acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). It teaches clients to stop struggling with trying to get rid of intrusive thoughts and instead start accepting them. Rather than trying to remove the “What if this isn’t the right one?” thought, they learn to accept that this thought may linger—while still committing to a relationship that feels fundamentally right.

Sruly came to see me for a few weeks until he felt comfortable getting engaged. He called me frantically after the engagement party, saying he had seen another girl whom he thought might be a better fit. “So marry her,” I advised. Having worked with me for several weeks, Sruly immediately understood my message: There will always be someone smarter, funnier or more attractive. The question is if you can live with the choice you’re making—not in spite of the uncertainty, but alongside it.

 

What About People Who Aren’t Struggling With R-OCD?

Here’s the danger: Not all doubts are OCD. Among the hardest clients I’ve ever worked with are those who were encouraged by friends, rabbis, and even therapists to push through their hesitation, only to find themselves in painful marriages with people they never liked to begin with.

That’s why a careful assessment matters. Does the client have a history of OCD? Do they report similar doubts in other areas? Do they enjoy spending time with their partner—even if they’re scared?

Ultimately, the question is not “Are you sure?” but something more like “Are you comfortable living the rest of your life feeling the way you currently do?”

 

Final Thought

Dating will always involve uncertainty. But when anxiety becomes obsessive and paralyzing, it may be time to consider whether R-OCD is playing a role. With the right support—and the courage to sit with the unknown—many people find that the right path becomes clear not by eliminating doubt, but by learning to live with it.


Dr. Avi Muschel is a clinical psychologist specializing in relationship issues, working with young men and women who are dating, engaged, and newly married. He has also appeared on popular podcasts, presented at conferences, and taught workshops about relationships. For any inquiries, he can be reached at 845-232-1177 or via email at DrMuschel@gmail.com.

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