July 15, 2024
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Linking Northern and Central NJ, Bronx, Manhattan, Westchester and CT

Dealing With a Dating Lull

Dear Shoshy,

I don’t know what to do. I started dating around a year ago, and things are very quiet for me in my dating life right now. Baruch Hashem, I’ve been fortunate to have been set up on some great dates, but for the past few months I have not been on any dates. What is my role in this process at this point and what are my parents’ roles? How much effort should I put into this? This is a great time for me to date and I have a clear picture of who I am and what I want; however, I do not know how much I should “put myself out there.” Hashkafically, I also fall into a gray category. I definitely would not consider myself Yeshivish, but I don’t readily identify as Modern Orthodox. I’m probably somewhere in between. Moving forward, how much and how should I put myself out there?

Thank you for your help,

Available As Ever

Dear Available As Ever,

You are definitely in a hard place right now. I am glad to hear that you know you are ready to date and you know a basic outline of what you are looking for. You should know that, first and foremost, you are your biggest advocate! Hopefully, your friends and acquaintances are keeping their eyes and ears open for you, but do not hesitate to ask. Be vocal with your friends, especially those who are dating, married and engaged, about what you are looking for in a boy. Make sure to do the same for your own friends and consider if anyone you have dated or know could be shayach for them. Do not be afraid to remind the ones who have connections that you are still on the lookout. You do not have to overdo it, but you can definitely let your situation be known.

I understand that you are in a gray area hashkafically, which can also prove difficult. It is definitely worth asking any of your teachers from high school or seminary whose husbands also work in chinuch. While it may not feel so comfortable to you, having a shidduch resume at the ready is never a bad thing. Teachers or friends who know you may not know every detail of your background, or may want to set you up with a boy who asks for one. Be sure to include friends and teachers in your references who know you well and know what you are looking for. In terms of going to shadchanim, this is really a matter of what is in your comfort zone. If you are comfortable doing so at this point, the right shadchanim in your neighborhood can be a great resource if they take the time to get to know you and what you are looking for.

Your parents’ level of involvement can also be tricky. If you want them to be involved in this process you can let them know that and have them reach out to their friends who might know the right people. Tell your parents how you want them to be involved in this process and how best they should advocate for you. Remember that finding the one does not mean be set up with a myriad of dates; rather, it only takes one.

Im yirtzeh Hashem by you,

Shoshy Goldstein

By Shoshy Goldstein

 Shoshy Goldstein (a pseudonym) is in the “dating parsha” but has great intrinsic instincts that her friends and family members have sought out when they have questions about dating etiquette. Ask Shoshy your own questions by emailing [email protected]. Disclaimer: This column is not intended to replace professional advice.

 

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