Living Connected, the Bergen County School-Shul Technology Initiative, invites you to share your concerns, comments and insights about technology habits and its impact on children and teens. Throughout the month of Elul we will examine ways to create a healthy relationship with technology. In this column, three of the leading Yeshiva Day School psychologists in Bergen County discuss thoughts and suggestions about the benefits of technology and social media when used appropriately.
“As a parent I often have mixed feelings about my child’s social media use. On one hand, it is wonderful to see her engaging with her friends and posting photos of her accomplishments. But, coming from a generation where we didn’t do that growing up, I have a hard time getting used to her constant posting and checking her friends’ posts. Also, I have a hard time wondering if this will affect her sense of self. Am I just old-fashioned?” For comments or questions please email [email protected]
Dr. Ariela Brum—Director of Guidance, Yeshivat He’Atid
Digital safety is a significant part of my middle school curriculum. The start of these conversations is always focused on the many benefits we gain from technology. This quickly becomes a very engaging conversation, with students not only sharing the many benefits but also the downsides of regular internet usage. And they aren’t wrong! There are so many ways that technology has given children resources and tools that enable them to be creative thinkers and doers. As parents and educators, it becomes our responsibility to guide our children in creating healthy balances: What activities should I be doing online, and what activities do I actually prefer doing in person? By supporting our students to really pay attention to how they feel and how these choices impact their daily lives, we help them make well-informed decisions they will be proud of.
It is not surprising that teens and preteens are often acutely aware of the challenges faced by themselves and their peers resulting from the desire to constantly be posting on social media. Students this age have a strong sense of loyalty and responsibility to others. They understand that using technology comes with a certain sense of responsibility to think about how their actions will impact themselves, their smaller community, their larger community, and even beyond. Take a moment and ask your child what responsibilities they feel in their use of technology—you may be pleasantly surprised by how aware they actually are.
Though it has been said before, it is also important to acknowledge the many messages we share based on our personal relationships with technology. Showing our children that we believe what we say is a crucial first step. This is a great opportunity to make decisions as a family: Do we all agree to not be on our devices at a specific time? Is it OK with everyone if I share this picture of our family? Using the words “we” and “our,” rather than “your,” enables these conversations to feel positive and productive, regardless of the generation.
Dr. Aliza Frohlich—
Director of Guidance, Yavneh Academy Middle School
Dear Parent,
I, too, struggle each day as an “old-fashioned, “less-than-tech-savvy” adult—and I spend my day with teenagers! Working in schools for 27 years, and recalling when our students first got email, I do see many of the positive results of the technology in which our children are engaged. Relocating to a new town is not as traumatic as it used to be, as students are able to connect with friends in a way they never were able to in the past. A child who is a bit shy, who years ago would feel isolated, feels comfortable fostering friendships online. Teens are able to advocate for Israel, stand up for the environment or become upstanders against bullying—feeling powerful and as if they can literally change the world—all thanks to social media. Social media has boosted the self-esteem of numerous students and has helped them find their inner strengths.
But, I must share that I, ironically, see the opposite as well. In our Body Image curriculum I often utilize the excellent curriculum and videos of the Dove Self-Esteem project (yes, created by the makers of Dove soap). In their article “The Impact of Social Media on Body Image,” they highlight that in today’s world young people are “living their lives in full view of an online audience.” Selfies, “likes” and comments on their posts help them feel accomplished and accepted. But, this has led to teens constantly seeking the validation of others. Likewise, comparisons with the photos of others cause teens to be dissatisfied with themselves or what they are accomplishing. When they look at the posts of others it always looks as if “everyone looks like they’re having the best day ever, all the time … unlike me. Why is their life so much better?” Researchers at Stanford University call these feelings the “duck syndrome”—as ducks always appear to be gliding without effort across the pond, but are frantically paddling below the surface to stay afloat.
Researchers at Facebook themselves noted in March 2020:“Thirty-two percent of teen girls said that when they felt bad about their bodies, Instagram made them feel worse. Comparisons on Instagram can change how young women view and describe themselves. … Teens blame Instagram for increases in the rate of anxiety and depression. This reaction was unprompted and consistent across all groups. [Boys and girls]. Teens blame Instagram for increases in the rate of anxiety and depression. This reaction was unprompted and consistent across all groups.”
It makes sense that all of this begins in the middle-school years, as teens start to leave behind the cocoon of family and begin to judge themselves based on the standards of society. Psychologist Erik Erikson calls this stage of life the Identity Versus Confusion phase, when children struggle to understand how their emerging selves might fit into the larger picture. In the “olden days,” teens would ask their friends directly to find that identity. Now they have social media.
How can we as parents help? This issue is no different from any other issue our teens are facing—we as parents need to talk about it with them. We need to have conversations with them about “How does it feel when someone likes your post? Do you ever compare yourself to someone else? Do you ever feel worse about yourself after being on social media? Do you really think the other person’s life is as ‘perfect’ as it seems?” When it comes to body image specifically, speak to them directly about the skewed images they often see on social media.
And, if you feel “uneducated” about social media and therefore unable to discuss, do get educated! But, in the meanwhile, as Janell Burley Hofman, author of “iRules” says, let your child be the teacher. Ask questions! They are eager to teach us about their online worlds, and while they are teaching we can bring in a larger conversation.
Instagram has also indicated very directly in their research that teens do feel addicted to social media and lack the self-control to limit the amount of time spent on social media. So, another way we can help is to every so often have our family take a Tech Shabbat—and not on Shabbat! Let’s all take a break from technology in general or social media in particular.
I recently came across the words of the Lubavitcher Rebbe from 1966 regarding technology. (He was focusing on the radio!)
Our sages have said: “All that God created was created for His honor.” This also applies to all the scientific discoveries of recent years—their purpose is to add honor to God by using them for holiness, Torah, and mitzvot … There is a special advantage in using radio to teach Torah. Even if a person is not sufficiently motivated to go and attend a class, or even if he turned on the radio only to hear something else, the words of Torah reach him.
So, too, social media has so many positive uses. Mishlei 18:21 states: מָ֣וֶת וְ֭חַיִּים בְּיַד־לָשׁ֑וֹן Life and death are in the hands of the tongue. Today’s “tongue” is social media—it is the way we communicate and pass on information about ourselves and others. It can be for חיים —inspiring personal growth—or for מות—it can be harmful to one’s self-esteem.
May we as parents and educators help our children tap into the חיים that social media has to offer.
Dr. Rayzel Yaish, Director of Guidance, Ma’ayanot Yeshiva High School for Girls
Thank you for the thoughtful question! Even in the wording of your question it is clear that you are noting the potential positives of your child’s social media use, which is not always easy to think about amidst the worries we have as parents about the intense new engagement with a device. You see that your child is using social media as a tool for socialization and a way to develop interests, and even to take appropriate pride and share healthy feelings of self-worth about things that took effort!
Social media for many children is the first time they taste independence. They do not need to ask you for a ride, or permission to buy something; it does not require an investment of funds that children often do not yet have. It can be amazing to watch those first steps at independence, as awkward as they may seem. You may find yourself learning about certain values that she deems important, and ways she sees the world that you did not yet realize. These steps towards independence are part of a psychological process called individuation. While this term has been co-opted by other fields, it most often refers to the process of psychological differentiation, leading to the development of a personality and cognitive flexibility that is not merely a copy of parents or peers, but a new, unique blend. Individuation is most often associated with adolescence, because at this age many children are starting to become more intensely aware of others. This stems from increased exposures beyond family: think camp, new schools and extra-curricular activities, along with biological cognitive development. In order to truly separate, first the child becomes more aware of what others are doing and thinking.
This past Shabbat I was sitting in a living room with a friend and her eighth grade daughter and peers. Seven out of eight of the young women were wearing the exact same shoes. I joked with them about what a funny picture it would make of all their feet looking exactly alike. They laughed, and it was clear to all of us how important it was to have the right shoes, to fit in and feel the “same.” Indeed, you are not old fashioned, but your child has a social norm tool that was generally not available to us. Your child is using social media to take the temperature of his peer group, in a way that we could not. While it is somewhat counterintuitive, once he understands more about others, the hope is that he can become more comfortable with his own sense of right and wrong, and with your good guidance, and with other positive influences, hopefully he will be able to make choices of his own, in line with family and Torah values.
Parents should stay tuned in to their child’s mood. Social media feeds a constant comparison to others, and this can take a toll on self-esteem, especially at younger ages. Talking to your children about their worth, modeling other yardsticks for measuring their self-worth, expressing your love, and explaining your family values are all great ways to nurture self-esteem and provide a counterweight to social media feedback during this delicate developmental period!
