“Aging is not a problem to solve, but a stage of life to be lived well. … It’s more than the negative that you’re going to die, it’s also the positive that you understand you’re going to die, and that you live a better life because of it.” (“The Wisdom of Morrie” and “Tuesdays with Morrie”).
A renowned professor of sociology at Brandeis University, Dr. Morrie Schwartz, famously interviewed and memorialized by bestselling author Mitch Albom, believed that through the process of aging and even the experience of dying, we discover how to live more meaningful and fulfilling lives. In Jewish tradition, we learn that the Hebrew word for an elderly individual, Zaken, is an acronym for zeh shekaneh chachma, “an individual who has acquired wisdom.” The respect we are instructed to accord to older adults refers both to Torah scholars and non-Torah scholars as well as Jews and non-Jews alike. The Maharal (Yehudah Loew of Prague), a renowned scholar of the 16th century, expounds upon this concept further as he distinguishes between how in one’s youth the body’s physicality often drives an individual’s impulses yet as his physical stamina declines, his soul and the knowledge he can attain become more instrumental in guiding him.
As I entered high school, I vividly recall my mother making the pivotal decision to shift her decades-long career as the principal of a large Hebrew school for grades K-12 to become the program director at an assisted-living home. My mother expressed her eagerness to glean wisdom from the vast experience and life lessons older adults could impart. Why wait to grow older to learn how to maximize the happiness and meaning in her life? Not only did my mother return home prepared to share valuable insights with us, my siblings and I also had multiple opportunities to meet our mother’s residents firsthand and marvel at their unique stories, insights and life contributions. Many years later, I sought to interview several older adults and the individuals who work directly with them in various organizations, such as Dorot, among others. I also delved into the literature and recordings of illuminating conversations with Dr. Schwartz and others to enlighten myself further about human nature, vulnerability and ways of boosting one’s life satisfaction and contentment.
Currently nearly 62 million adults aged 65 and older reside in the United States, comprising nearly 18% of the population. The numbers continue to rise and will climb by 50% in a few decades (Schwartz, 2023). While sex, race and demographics can figure prominently in the life expectancy of individuals, many adults can expect to live well into their 80s. Historically, though much of the literature surrounding older adults centered around those most vulnerable and debilitated, there is now a greater impetus to recognize their vast wisdom and unique contributions.
Dr. Schwartz believed in the invaluable gift of giving love and letting it “come in … one life touching another,” and reinforced the power of human connection. Despite his penchant for scholarship, reading and writing, he explained that he could forego reading, writing and television, but he could not relinquish the opportunity for love and human connection. Even while he was in the throes of ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis), which eventually compromised his ability to speak, Dr. Schwartz requested that others visit with and speak to him, and he would listen. Dr. Schwartz depicted the power of the voice as transcending time and sought to be an individual who was generous in giving his time and sage advice, thereby leaving a legacy that endures. Dr. Schwartz explained, “An individual is not just a single wave but an integral part of a larger body of water. … Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live … death ends a life, not a relationship.”
A recent article published by the Surgeon General cautioned that social isolation, which runs rampant among older adults, is as detrimental to their well-being as smoking cigarettes. Dr. Schwartz underscored the crucial importance of cultivating and maintaining strong relationships with others and working past any conflicts. He understood the fleeting nature of life and the way in which arguments with others steal precious time from caring and loving.
Many of the older adults I interviewed similarly reinforced the importance of spending time with their loved ones and learning not to “sweat the small stuff” or become overly finicky. They strove to be present and intentional in the moment, to fully relish the activity in which they were engaged, and the company surrounding them. One older adult exclaimed, “I am increasingly aware of my mortality. Scenes from my past reverberate through my mind. I want to make every moment count and transmit my memories to the next generation.”
Many also described growing less self-conscious over time. They realized that their fear of failure and multiple insecurities only restrained them from enjoying positive opportunities and ultimate happiness. One such interviewee described always second-guessing herself and her capabilities. She noted how, over time, she began to experience herself as “effective and positively influential and impactful,” which became transformative for her and her relationships with herself and others. She advised, “Recognize your gifts, believe in yourself, trust what you are and who are. You are OK, more than OK. Trust your intuition and do not let fear of failure and criticism hold you back!” Another older adult asserted, “I no longer care what people think as I am going to think about what I want to think about.” Yet another female older adult depicted feeling, “liberated, coming to a level of acceptance with my body changing.” The illustrious actress, Helen Mirren, employs the term “growing up” rather than aging. She embraces her wrinkles and declines any attempt to turn back the clock. She asserts, “If someone said to me, I’m going to wave the magic one and you’ll be 25 again, I would say no. I don’t want that. The reality is as you age your body changes, but you learn so much with time.” Gradually these older adults felt increasingly more confident in their physical skin and embraced their eccentric personalities as well.
Another theme that pervaded our conversations: Despite the aches and pains they endured, the older adults felt a deep sense of gratitude for the mental and physical faculties they retained and the blessing of having loved ones and social support. Those who had a spouse felt grateful to have a companion, and one 76-year-old newlywed especially appreciated the company of a partner, since she had spent countless years without one. The presence of children and grandchildren figured prominently in promoting feelings of joy, motivation and fulfillment in these individuals. There was no mention of wishing they had accomplished more professionally or clocked in more hours at work. On the contrary, these older adults bemoaned not taking the opportunity to travel more when they or their partner were more able-bodied and energetic.
Multiple individuals described their attempts to “carpe diem,” “seize the day” with the knowledge of the elusive nature of life. This involved releasing years-long grudges and resentment, as well as infusing humor and activity into their lives whenever possible. They stressed the importance of moving forward rather than wasting time ruminating about the past. Their conscious attempts to become more active came in the form of volunteering, spending time with loved ones, enjoying nature, attending classes in person or over Zoom (if physically compromised), as well as imparting their hard-earned knowledge, wisdom and advice to younger generations and mentees.
Viktor Frankl, the famed Austrian psychiatrist, prolific writer and Holocaust survivor who miraculously survived due to his strong will to live, posited, “Those who have a ‘why’ to live, can bear almost any ‘how’… Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s way.” Individuals struggling with dementia or other mentally debilitating illnesses may lack the agency to choose their attitude entirely. However, when surrounded by loving support, they can sense glimmers of light and warmth seeping through to envelop them. Dr. Frankl elaborated upon the importance of having a central purpose, “a meaning to live for,” which Dr. Schwartz would argue is most powerfully that of human love and connection.
May we attempt to live meaningful and intentional lives by shedding our excessive use of technology, fear of aging, and obsessive pursuit to turn back time. May we strive to be present with our loved ones, and fully engaged in endeavors that bring positive energy, wisdom, and transformation to the world.
Shira Silton, LCSW, received her BA from Brandeis University, an MSW in clinical social work from Columbia University, an MA in Jewish studies and is currently pursuing a doctorate in social welfare and policy at the Wurzweiler School of Social Work. Silton has been working as a psychotherapist for over 20 years, providing individual, couples, family and group counseling in English, Hebrew and Spanish. Currently she works as a senior therapist and outreach program director at Yeshiva University’s Counseling Center with undergraduate and graduate students and has a private practice on the UWS. She can be reached at [email protected].
