This past Shabbat, Congregation Ahavat Torah, under the leadership of Rabbi Chaim Poupko in Englewood, hosted Rabbi Menachem and Adeena Penner as scholars-in-residence. Rabbi Penner is the former dean of RIETS of Yeshiva University and the incoming executive vice president of the Rabbinical Council of America. Approximately 15 years ago, their son Gedalia came out to them as being gay. At the time, they felt very alone without a support network in which they felt comfortable. Since then, awareness of LGBTQ+ individuals within the Orthodox community has improved with increased visibility, sensitivity and awareness.
Approximately two and a half years ago, Rabbi Penner and his son Gedalia were hosted by Rabbi Dovid Bashevkin on the popular 18Forty podcast. In an extremely heartfelt and touching session, father and son discussed what coming out was like for their family and their personal relationship. It was specifically not a discussion about Halacha, but rather designed to show others how an Orthodox family can maintain close relationships and connections to Yiddishkeit despite challenges. The podcast was wildly successful and had over 30,000 downloads in the first few weeks. Since then, the Penners have fielded questions from hundreds of families in similar situations.
Seeing a great need within the Modern Orthodox and more Yeshivish community for a network of support in which parents felt comfortable, Rabbi and Rebetzin Penner founded an organization called Kesher Families. The mission of Kesher Families is to provide support and guidance to families within the Orthodox Jewish community who have loved ones who identify as LGBTQ+ in order to preserve essential family relationships. Kesher is a safe space for frum families to share their common experiences in a judgment-free zone.
The theme of the Shabbat lecture series at Ahavat Torah was entitled: “Supporting families of LGBTQ+ members of the Orthodox community.’
The Penners began their residency with a Friday night discussion at Congregation Ahavath Torah. Rebbetzin Adeena and Rabbi Penner took turns speaking from the podium, retelling the story of Gedalia’s coming out process and all the emotions and tribulations that followed. Their authenticity and vulnerability was obvious to all in the room.
Rabbi Penner addressed the Congregation after Shabbat morning Tefilla with a drasha entitled, “Living in the spotlight—when we least expect it.” He spoke eloquently and emotionally about being present for your child no matter what the situation and no matter what other responsibilities a parent may have. A child is a gift and responsibility that requires the full commitment of the parent at all times, no matter what challenges the child may bring. His drasha was extremely well-received and touched everyone in the room.
But the highlight of the event was the panel discussion before Mincha moderated by Rabbi Poupko which featured Rabbi Penner and my son, Ben Small, a 19-year-old member of Congregation Ahavath Torah. Ben came out as gay approximately four years ago while a sophomore at SAR High School. Ben subsequently went for a gap year in Israel, studying at Yeshivat Ma’ale Gilboa. He is now halfway through his freshman year at the University of Pennsylvania. Ben discussed how he is a committed observant Jew who attends tefillah three times a day, is shomer Shabbat and wears tzitzit. He just happens to be gay. While gay youth from frum families decades ago may have felt they didn’t have a place within the community, the newer generation feels more comfortable amongst their peers and, if they are not made to feel “less than,” want to maintain their connection to Yiddishkeit.
Ben encouraged the rabbi’s audience to be more mindful of their language, particularly within educational settings. He gave examples of his rabbi in middle school saying gays should be killed and the pain and confusion that caused for him as a 12-year-old struggling with his own confusing feelings on sexuality. He also discussed the critical importance of public signaling of safe spaces (i.e. using a “safe space” sticker) at the doors of schools and shuls to signal to queer people that they are welcome and will not be judged. He educated the crowd by telling them that queer people assume all spaces are not safe unless the space is specifically designated as such. For him, seeing a small safe space sticker on a front door or window is like any other Jew spotting a mezuzah on a door in Mobile, Alabama. It is a sign that you are safe to be yourself in that location.
For many, the panel was the highlight of Shabbat. Seeing a thoughtful, knowledgeable, respectful, but uncowed queer voice completely reframed the program. It tore down many preconceived ideas that many people have related to queer people and any perceived agenda they may think they have. Queer Jews from Modern Orthodox families would ideally prefer to stay within the fold. They have no intention of changing Halacha or changing any of the community norms. They simply want to live, pray and raise their children in the communities where they grew up. It is only when they are made to feel unwelcome that they leave Yiddishkeit.
A question and answer session was held at seudah shlishit. Community members asked thoughtful and respectful questions. There was minor pushback from different directions but, overall, it was an extremely respectful and necessary conversation and appreciated by all.
The Penners’ scholar-in-residence program was enlightening and informative, educating us how we can better include queer Orthodox members in our community, lest we lose them completely and break our family connections.
Dr. Tzvi Small is the proud parent of Ben Small.
