Helen’s marriage was falling apart. She reminisced about the day of her wedding. Each of her parents had kissed her; at that moment she was shocked into the realization that this was the first time that either of them had ever kissed her. Further, as she thought back on that day, she didn’t remember hugging, holding or even touching.
Just as people need physical nutriment to develop properly, so too do they need psychological nutriment. And just as a person can develop a specific nutritional deficit in terms of calories or vitamins, so can he/she develop a specific psychological deficit in terms of ego support, language usage, expressions of love,or the need for physical proximity and stroking. In order to highlight for Helen the importance of the lack of kissing on her psychological development, I dubbed her condition “a psycho-nutritional kissing deficit.” She understood the pathos and humor in her diagnosis.
It came as no surprise to learn that Helen experienced an unusually strong startle reaction if someone bumped into her or even touched her by accident. Nor was it surprising to learn that she did not have a single close friend. Nor did Helen communicate on a personal level with anybody, including her numerous sisters and sisters-in-law, either from her side or from her husband’s side—much less with her parents.
Is this situation unusual? Why were Helen’s parents so untouching and unkind? Interesting insights into this problem emerge from mothering experiments with monkeys. In a series of studies with rhesus monkeys at the University of Wisconsin during the 1950s, Dr. Harry Harlow demonstrated the importance of proper mothering on the development of sexual and later maternal behavior in monkeys. In some experiments, baby monkeys were brought up with artificial mother surrogates, i.e., dummies made of wire netting; the infant’s milk was propped up so that the baby could climb up the wire frame and reach it. Other infant monkeys were reared in the same way, except that the wire dummies were covered with a soft, terry cloth, against which the monkeys could cuddle. Results: The infants with terry-cloth mother surrogates did not grow up to be sexually normal—but their adult behavior was at least slightly better than that of the infants brought up without even the minimal tactile experience of clinging against the terry-cloth.
As adults, these “unmothered” mothers ignored their infants and sat relatively motionless at one side of the cage, staring into space, not defending their babies when they were approached or threatened. Other unmothered mothers physically repulsed their babies even when the infants made continual, desperate attempts to effect maternal contact; still others were physically abusive to their offspring.
In his book “The Sex Researchers,” Edward Brecher notes that Harlow cautioned against drawing sweeping conclusions about humans from experiments on monkeys. Nonetheless, the experiments do give some food for thought, and it is not difficult to point to numerous parallels in homo sapiens. In the case cited earlier, both of Helen’s parents were orphaned at an early age. Helen’s mother was placed in an orphanage at age 10; her father was placed in another orphanage at age 5. Both orphans met in their early 20s and began to raise a family together. However, there was a noticeable deficit in the attention and care they gave their children. Indeed, a striking parallel to the findings of the Harlow studies.
The Parenting of Parents
Parents are profoundly affected by the type of parenting they received themselves. In normal households, very few children grow up with clear-cut or pronounced psychological deficits, but even in the best of households, problems exist. This is a normal part of growing up, and most children have the ego strength to compensate to a greater or lesser degree for their parents’ mistakes or for their own lack of responsiveness to their parents’ overtures. Generally speaking, however, the worst parents feel the least guilt about their parenting—and those who feel the guiltiest are probably the most mature, sensitive and sophisticated. This latter group give their children as much as—or more than—can be reasonably expected.
Still, the giving and receiving of love is a two-way proposition: Some children are extremely difficult and manipulative, and they test the wits of their parents—almost defy them to act lovingly. This is similar to the child who refuses to eat normally. Providing physical as well as psychological nutriment is a challenge to the parent. Parents who make a reasonable effort to meet this challenge are not guaranteed success in their efforts, but on the other hand, they need not fear that their child will suffer greatly. A serious physical or psychological deficit can generally be attributed to clear-cut chronic problems that reasonable parents would never tolerate. Consequently, a psycho-nutritional kissing deficit is rare. Feelings of being unloved, however, are more common, and parents should make conscious efforts, both physically and verbally, to let children know that they are both lovable and loved.
Reuben E. Gross, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and marriage counselor. He is a diplomate in clinical psychology, A.B.P.P. and a diplomate in psychotherapy, A.B.P. Gross has a private practice in Teaneck and in New York City. Letters, comments and questions are invited. Write to him directly at 961 Teaneck Rd., Teaneck, NJ 07666 or at [email protected].
