(Courtesy of Center for Mediation) Shira and Yossi have been married for seven years. Their children are 3 and 5. A few years ago, they bought a house. Shira is a speech therapist. Yossi is a lawyer in private practice. Overall, Shira and Yossi are happily married, and their children seem well-adjusted. However, they argue about spending and parenting. Shira thinks that making and sticking to a budget is important. She keeps track of the family’s cash flow, looks for deals and sales, and pays bills. Yossi agrees that budgeting is important. However, he works long hours and feels that he can occasionally splurge on items that give him pleasure, such as food and clothing. He also likes to surprise Shira and the kids with an outing to a restaurant or a concert.
Shira believes that the kids need structure and benefit from predictable schedules and routines. She likes to plan their activities and play dates well in advance. Yossi thinks that the kids are already overscheduled by virtue of going to school where they have a lot of structured activities. He believes that the kids can benefit from some spontaneity in their lives, such as staying up late on weekends or going on an occasional unplanned trip.
For a while, Shira and Yossi were able to manage these differences, but, lately, they started getting into frequent arguments. Shira noticed a few times that their credit card bill has surpassed their monthly earnings. Yossi has started spending increasingly more on expensive liquor and clothing, and eating out has also started to add up. In addition, their kids have been having behavioral issues in school. Their teachers noticed that the kids sometimes appear sleep deprived. Yossi has taken them on trips from which they come home late and go to sleep even later. Shira has tried to speak to Yossi about these issues, but was not able to get too far. Yossi was defensive and did not want to have a discussion. He got upset, saying that Shira is focusing on minutiae and not appreciating the fact that he works hard and spends time with the kids.
What should Shira and Yossi do if they don’t want to keep on fighting? Talk to a therapist? Consult with a rabbi? Both of these options should be considered and may be helpful. At the same time, therapy sometimes can feel theoretical and removed from day-to-day practicalities. Rabbinic guidance can also be helpful, but rabbis are often busy dealing with myriad other problems.
This is where mediation can be quite valuable. In the family context, when people hear the word “mediation,” they automatically think divorce. But divorce is only one instance where mediation can be helpful. Mediation can be useful when dealing with: differences in parenting styles and spending habits; time management and schedules; decision-making on big issues, such as a choice of high schools, whether to relocate or where to spend an upcoming vacation or Yom Tov. Often, issues that couples and families face are practical in nature. For example, there is no pathology or addiction, and issues are not halachic. This is where mediation comes in handy. It gives both newlyweds and seasoned spouses an opportunity to address their differences; hear each other out; rediscover their shared values; and brainstorm solutions to their problems.
Back to Shira and Yossi. They heard of a mediator who tackles differences between couples and booked a session. The mediator gave them ample opportunity to express their frustrations with each other. Then, the mediator asked each of them to share their priorities and goals with respect to parenting and money management. The mediator wrote Shira’s and Yossi’s goals and interests side by side on a white board. Some of them were similar to each other, whereas some were different.
Shira and Yossi chose to address parenting first. Based on the earlier expressed goals and priorities, they began to see where they disagree with each other. Yossi acknowledged that he saw value in having structure and predictability, which was important to Shira. Shira acknowledged the value in Yossi’s more spontaneous and fun approach to parenting. They then worked out a daily schedule for their kids and carved out times on the calendar over the next few months when the kids can go to sleep late, which would allow Yossi to take them on outings.
They then moved on to money management. The mediator helped them create a monthly budget, which was helpful in ascertaining how much was left for any unplanned items. Their written priorities and the budget led Shira and Yossi to agree on a separate budget for any extras, such as eating out and fancy clothing. Shira was happy that the monthly budget was going to balance, and Yossi was happy that there is some breathing room, albeit with a cap, for some extras that he can enjoy. While they were on the topic of money management, they decided to open separate savings accounts for the kids. Shira and Yossi left mediation feeling heard, understood, and with a concrete plan of action in hand.
Center for Mediation is a local mediation practice. For more information, visit centerformediation.net; call/text at (973) 922-3254. Center for Mediation is offering a free webinar on October 6 at 8:30 p.m. Topic: Using Mediation Mindset in Conflict Resolution. To register, email [email protected]
