Recently, I’ve heard the phrase “fat-shaming” outside my place of work. This idea is one that arises with my clients, discussing their experiences of being shamed or fears of being shamed for how they look. I lead a group regularly, and offer presentations to the public, on the subjects of health at every size and body tolerance, in the context of this important topic.

But in recent weeks, I’ve heard this phrase pop up quite regularly. Late-night host and comedian James Corden spent some time discussing Bill Maher’s recommendation that fat-shaming “make a come-back” as this will help solve the “obesity problem” and encourage individuals to lose weight. Corden spoke, using humor, as he is—as we know—a comedian, about how shaming is actually just bullying and how if this actually “worked” there wouldn’t be any fat people.

People applauded Corden’s response, where he also noted that he feels Maher “thought he was doing the right thing and trying to help people.” I had a plethora of reaction to Corden’s video. Firstly, good for him for responding to this! For acknowledging that fat is not simply about “trying to lose weight.” But also the following thought: Ugh. This was an opportunity and while he tried, I know he did, he missed out on an essential factor.

Fat is not bad. Yes, there are plenty of studies citing an “obesity epidemic” as if we are discussing swine flu. Yes, there are some medical conditions that have a correlation with, but are not inherent caused by weight. And finally, having fat be the butt of the joke only perpetuates the cycle of thought that fat is inherently bad and something to be “rid of.”

The experience of individuals focusing their lives on what they consider a “weight problem” breaks my heart. Too often weight loss is prescribed and too often people believe “if I only lose the weight, I’ll be happy—I’ll get married—I’ll be successful.” I cannot count how many weight-loss ads and statements are made within my vision and earshot, all promising a “better future.” Wouldn’t learning to tolerate, accept and love ourselves and others, regardless of weight, actually promote a better future? Wouldn’t this allow for quality, middot, charisma, and chesed to define us over an obscure number measuring our relationship to gravity and nothing else?

While my life’s passion is to promote body acceptance and intuitive eating especially in the Jewish community, I find myself confronted with body shaming regularly. Because body/fat shaming is not “one size fits all.” It is not necessarily statements about the inherent negativity of size. It can even be implicit messages about weight loss. Implications that losing weight is okay but gaining is not. Messages around fat being used as an insult or low-calorie diets being glamorized as the be-all and end-all. These also define fat shaming. They promote the idea that fat is bad and thin is good, and as long as you’re striving for thinness you can be accepted and okay. Shame is shame and as we know, to embarrass or shame someone is equated to killing that individual—the experience is so serious.

I think of the children using the Kurbo app, going out for ice cream or pizza with friends but pausing to log points because only then will it be okay. My heart breaks for these children, being given the message that they will receive more love if they look smaller. If they shrink themselves. Instead, can’t we love them and teach them to love themselves regardless? My heart also breaks for the adults doing the same, the adults—and humans of all ages—believing that worth is connected to a number and eating must come with “permission” because this is how they will receive love.

Shouldn’t love, respect, friendship and dignity be given, received and simply free-flowing without any caveat around your size or if you’re pursuing a diet?

But they’re not. We can change that. We can stop the cycle of fat and body shaming, whether explicit or implicit. We can give compliments beyond appearance, we can practice taking less time equating food with worth. We can listen to our bodies, souls and minds and to each other rather than the promises a diet offers. (Especially as diets typically fail and lead the person to feel like a failure.)

Yes, some people need to be mindful about food intake because of medical conditions. But as I’ve stated above and in earlier pieces, this is over-prescribed and at times not research-based. Weight does not equal health and it does not equal success or drive or kindness.

So stop the cycle. Stop asking about weight and commenting on weight loss as positive. This—whether or not you’ve realized it—constitutes fat shaming and unfortunately the experience of fat individuals in the world is that they are made to feel “wrong.” It is never, ever acceptable to make another individual feel wrong for how they look. This is not all right according to Judaism and it isn’t all right as human beings. Take stock of how you speak to yourself and to others; realize how without knowing, you could be contributing to this awful cycle. Pause. Ground. And try to do differently so that we may all be accepting of one another and of ourselves.

Temimah Zucker, LCSW, is the assistant clinical director at Monte Nido Manhattan and a national speaker on the subjects of body image, eating disorders, health at every size and mental health. Temimah works in private practice in New York City and will soon be opening a private practice in Teaneck. For inquiries and information, visit www.temimah.com.