The Talmud itself warns of the potential ill consequences of favoring one child over another, stating that the favoritism Jacob demonstrated toward Joseph by presenting him with the colored coat ignited the jealousy of his brothers and led to our exile to Egypt (TB Shabbat 10B).
Parental favoritism is a big problem.
Why would a parent favor a particular child anyway? Perhaps Child A reminds mommy of herself. Perhaps Child B brings true Yiddishe nachas to the home. Or perhaps Child C is endowed with a winning and effervescent personality that puts a smile on everyone’s face.
Whatever the reason, parents must not have favorites; not even hidden favorites, because children have the best antennas in the world and they know exactly what you are thinking (even when you think they don’t, even when they cannot verbalize it).
On the other hand, fair does not mean equal. Just because we must not maintain favorites, it does not mean that we must spend an equal amount of time with every child. Different children require different amounts of time, energy and effort. Babies require a lot more time than teens, but that does not mean you are showing a preference. If one child breezes through his homework and the other has ADD and needs prompting, it is certainly necessary to devote more time toward the homework of the weaker student.
In our parsha, it seems that Yitzchak prefers Esav, and Rivkah prefers Yaakov. Although there are deeper meanings and implications of these verses, the bottom line is that favoritism occurred, and we see how it all turned out. In the end, Yaakov and Esav battle for their father’s blessing, and years later almost fight to death. Is it because there was child favoritism in their youth? I’m not sure, but it certainly did not help.
In a perfect world, every child needs to believe that he/she is a favorite—because indeed he/she is. Every child is a gift and requires unique and particular support and care to help them grow and thrive in the world around them.
May Hashem provide us with the strength so that we can raise our progeny well so that they will continue in the ways of Torah and yirat shamayim all the days of their lives.
Rabbi Ephraim Epstein is the rabbi at Congregation Sons of Israel in Cherry Hill, New Jersey.
