Saturday, April 01, 2023

Dear Shoshy,

I do not know what to do. Last week, someone suggested a boy to me and I agreed to go out with him. He called me and we are supposed to go out later this week. When I accepted the offer, I was not so excited about going out with him, but the suggestion came from a good friend so I thought it would not hurt to say yes. But the next day, another person called me suggesting another boy. I was about to tell her I was “busy,” but suddenly she was telling me all about him. He sounded like he had a great personality and it seemed like a good match in a lot of ways. I began to get excited with the prospect of dating him. I told the girl that I would call her back later with an answer. As I began to think about what to do, it struck me that I was not truly “busy” with the other boy. All I had done was agree to go out with him on a date, and suddenly I had to say no to anyone else who was interested? It seemed unfair that my chances with this second boy should be ruined. The more I asked people about the second boy, the more I thought it was a good idea and became upset over the prospect of turning him down. I know that most people in my circles will not usually date two boys at the same time, but is it really so bad? I also think that things will probably not work out with the first boy so I am really hesitant to turn down the second one. What do I do?

Thanks for your help,

Two Too Many?

Dear Two Too Many,

I am glad you have gotten a suggestion of a boy that you are excited to go out with, but it seems that you are in a tricky situation. From what you have explained, it does not seem that the boy you agreed to go out with has so much potential. However, as you have already said yes to him you cannot change your mind about dating him. You expressed that since this first boy will probably not be your husband, perhaps it is not so terrible to date the second boy. If you really thought that this boy was not for you though, you probably would not have said “yes.” Therefore, you really have to keep your mind open about him. A good friend thinks that it could work and you thought it had enough potential to not turn it down. Do not rule him out before you two even go on a first date!

That being said, you really do not know how things are going to work out with either of these boys. Let’s say that even if it’s just at the beginning, you take a liking to both of them. Are you going to date them both simultaneously? The other factor that you have to consider is the point you made about this not being done in your community. If both of these boys are going out with you on the pretense that they are the only people you are dating, it seems pretty unfair to date both of them. It is almost a lie of omission. I understand that you are nervous about turning down a boy who seems really shayach, but you have to have emunah, as difficult as it may be, that Hashem has a plan. It would not be fair to either of the boys to go out with both of them. Frankly, it would most probably be very difficult for you and your own mental health as well. Imagine one of the boys asks you Sunday night what you spent that Sunday doing, and you had a date that day with the other boy. It is a very sticky situation that you do not want to get yourself involved in. Wishing you the best of luck with your situation.

Im yirtzeh Hashem by you,

Shoshy Goldstein

Shoshy Goldstein (a pseudonym) is in the “dating parsha,” but she has great intrinsic instincts that her friends and family members have sought out when they have questions about dating etiquette. Ask Shoshy your own questions by emailing [email protected] Disclaimer: This column is not intended to replace professional advice.


Sign up now!