Most reasonable people agree that there is nothing fashionable about a schmatta. If someone tells you that you are wearing a schmatta, you probably should be insulted. Even if you intentionally label your fashion sense as grunge or bohemian, you still do not want to be accused of “rockin’ a schmatta.” Even Fagin’s motley crew in Charles Dickens’ Oliver Twist and the ragtag orphans in Little Orphan Annie would be upset to hear their articles of clothing referred to as schmattas. Basically, nobody wants to be viewed as wearing a schmatta just like nobody wants to be viewed as dating a schlemiel.

Unfortunately, schmatta status is sometimes relative and thus unavoidable. If you wear a jean jacket to a fur-coat convention, you will be viewed as wearing a schmatta. If you don overalls to a black-tie affair, you will be viewed as wearing a schmatta. If you sashay a basic onesie down a runway in Paris, you will turn the fashion show into a schmatta show.

What exactly is a schmatta? The term “schmatta” (also spelled shmatta, shmate, schmatte, schmattah or shmatteh) is a Yiddish word that typically is defined as a rag or ragged piece of clothing. Some scholars trace “schmatta” back to the Polish term “szmata” (which, fortunately, does not have numerous alternative spellings) which also means a rag. Believe it or not, the term schmatta has made it into the mainstream. For example, one of the most famous and successful rock bands of all-time, The Rolling Stones, released a song titled “Shattered” in 1978 which includes the following verse: “All this chitter-chatter, chitter-chatter, chitter-chatter about shmatta, shmatta, shmatta, I can’t give it away on 7th Avenue. This town’s been wearing tatters, uh-huh. Shadoobie, shattered. (These are the actual lyrics. No joke. And no, I do not have any idea what “Shadoobie” means.) Of course, the song’s reference to “7th Avenue” pertains to New York City’s garment district which is or used to be known as the “Schmatta District.”

The term “schmatta” is still in vogue. For example, the New York Post reported that when United States Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi recently visited New York City last year, she was dressed in “pearls and periwinkle shmatta, waving to onlookers near 51st and Lex.” Last year, the New York Post also reported that “[t]he summer’s hottest outfit is a shapeless spotted shmatta that costs $70.” Granted, you are far more likely to find the term schmatta used in the New York Post than in the Salt Lake Tribune or Chattanooga Times.

Some scholars question whether the terms “schmatta” and “rag” can be used interchangeably. In some cases that might be appropriate, like the expression “rags to riches“ could easily be converted into ”schmattas to shekels.” In other instances, however, substituting “schmatta” for “rag” will not work as smoothly. For example, it would be awkward to refer to a Raggedy Ann doll as a Schmattedy Ann doll and if an (alleged) female spy is dressed poorly, you still should not refer to her as Schmatta Hari.

So what is the test for determining whether you are wearing a schmatta? Well, there is no fool-proof test and it’s a rather subjective standard, but here are some examples to use as guidelines:

1. If strangers stop you in the street and, unsolicited, hand you money while flashing a look of pity, then you probably are wearing a schmatta.

2. If a filthy fast food restaurant refuses to serve you based on your attire, then you probably are wearing a schmatta.

3. If you get thrown out of an outdoor punk rock concert for being under-dressed, then you probably are wearing a schmatta.

4. If your greasy auto mechanic asks to borrow your shirt to clean up an oil leak, then you probably are wearing a schmatta.

5. If your sweater has more holes than Swiss cheese, then you probably are wearing a schmatta.

6. If your coat has more stains than a wood floor with two coats of an oily-based polyurethane, then you probably are wearing a schmatta.

7. If your jeans are more faded than an antique photograph in very poor condition, then you probably are wearing a schmatta.

8. If you visit prisoners in a maximum security jail and they are much better dressed than you, than you probably are wearing a schmatta.

9. If a schlocky circus clown laughs uncontrollably at your outfit, than you probably are wearing a schmatta.

10. If your previously doting mother publicly disowns you based on your garb, then you probably are wearing a schmatta.

Final thought: Some people use the term “schmatta” to refer to a pushover parent or a doormat spouse so, with that in mind, it is still better to wear a schmatta than to be one.

By Jon Kranz