Twenty years ago a colleague of mine watched a video presentation in which a survivor of domestic violence described her journey toward healing and recovery. It began with the awareness that the way her partner treated her was considered abusive. “I didn’t realize that not speaking to me was abuse.” My friend’s face changed color and this decent man determined that he would never again stop speaking to his wife as a response to conflict. One moment, a shift in consciousness, enabled him to change a behavior that was part and parcel of their relationship.

Even though behavioral change is challenging and may seem impossible, the High Holy Days and the Yom Kippur formulation of confession of our sins provides a pathway to transformation. Every day I sit with couples, some married, some contemplating marriage, some ending their marriages, who struggle with relationship pain. These thoughts are presented with the belief that each of us has the capacity to consider our own actions, not just the actions of our partner. In the ways that we have made the relationship worse we have the capacity to make it better. Justification, provocation, family history—all contribute to our behavioral responses. But Yom Kippur reminds us that we can stop, take the pause provided by no food, no work, no engagement in distraction, and think about the relationship sins we have committed.

The following short list is a guide to your thinking.

For the sin I have committed of trying to control my partner.

For the sin I have committed of withdrawing my attention.

For the sin I have committed of speaking unkindly to my partner.

For the sin I have committed of comparing my partner unfavorably to others.

For the sin I have committed of assuming malevolent intent.

For the sin I have committed of humiliating my partner in front of our children.

For the sin I have committed of retaliation and score keeping.

For the sin I have committed of not showing appreciation.

For the sin I have committed of using intimacy as a weapon.

For the sin I have committed not making our relationship a priority.

For the sin I have committed of holding on to grudges.

For the sin I have committed of betraying trust.

For the sin I have committed of disparaging my partner’s family.

For the sins that I have knowingly committed, I ask for the wisdom and opportunity for change and for those that I have committed unintentionally, I ask for compassion and understanding from my partner.

Wishing all a gmar chasima Tova.

Esther East was the director of Jewish Family Service and Children’s Center of Clifton-Passaic (JFS) for 27 years.