Dear Dr. Chani,

My wife and I moved to our generally friendly Jewish community in New Jersey over half a decade ago. We are involved in our shul’s leadership, our young kids have plenty of friends, and overall, our family is well-liked.

In recent months however, a group of newer families in the community, who we had become friends with over the years, abruptly started giving us the cold shoulder, especially the husbands, toward me. In shul and at community events, they either muster the bare minimum amount of small talk, look in the other direction and pretend I do not exist, or begin chatting with other men and deliberately leave me out of conversations. Since we were among the first families to welcome these people to town, and I cannot understand the reasoning behind their checking out of our friendship, this has been a hurtful situation for me.

I wholeheartedly agree that it is normal that friends come and go throughout our lives. However, my sense is that my mistreatment has something to do with these families becoming closer with each other, seemingly to the point of forming a clique. I assume that one of these families chose not to like me or my wife and shared their disdain with the others at a Shabbat meal, at a group hangout, or on a WhatsApp chat.

What would be the path to repairing such community friendships when it is not at all clear to me what I might have done to spoil it? Part of me wants to ask other friends of ours for the “intel” as to how the aforementioned group of friends feels about me, but another part of me would rather not involve other peers in this sticky situation that I am navigating. I guess as a general overarching question, how can I be comfortable being myself in my own Jewish community when

I know there are individuals who do not care to interact with me, whether or not I understand their reasoning? I try to maintain a Mr. Nice Guy image and be as likable as possible in my community, so the rejection by this group of friends of my attempts to smooth things over is hitting me particularly hard.

Thanks in advance,
Eli

Dear Eli,

Your experience of being socially excluded, especially by people in your own community who used to be your friends, is deeply disheartening. You try to be nice to people and are an active member of your shul, so it is especially shocking that people are being cold to you. I can understand that you feel bewildered, hurt, and unsure how to make things right again. It sounds like you are trying your best to act normally, hoping that this is just your imagination or a passing phase and that your friends will go back to treating you as “one of the guys” just as suddenly as they had stopped.

It is particularly disappointing to hear about this dynamic, since this is the opposite of how Jewish people — individually and collectively — should behave. As Jews, we have a mission to spread light to our society and to make the world a better place. We should actively seek to befriend people and include them in our communities, especially those who are lonely or less fortunate. Yet, the clique that has formed in your community is behaving in the opposite way, as if they only care about their own well-being.

Let’s explore why this group of people may be acting this way to see if there is something you can do to improve the situation. You wonder if you may have said or done something to deserve this treatment. Yet, on the other hand, as you pointed out, sometimes friendships fade and community dynamics shift over time. While you may have done something to cause this change, this clique may have formed through no fault of your own.

In general, cliques tend to form because they share a common feature. As the saying goes, “Birds of a feather flock together.” It may sound surprising but often that commonality is the insecurities of members of that social group. People who feel insecure tend to band together in close-knit, exclusive groups among themselves in order to bolster themselves and make themselves feel more important and significant.

For example, you observed that the clique is made up of “newer families” in your community. Sometimes, new arrivals find their social footing as they navigate a new community by inadvertently creating boundaries that exclude long-standing members. Cliques tend to include people who are equally socially “needy,” people who will be loyal to the group, so that they can feel more self-assured knowing that they can always rely on each other for validation and companionship. Since group members lack their own self-confidence, they make themselves feel better than others by snubbing and ignoring outsiders. Whatever their reason for forming a clique, the way they are treating you says more about their limitations than about your own personal worth.

Whether this group’s members are ignoring you because of their own insecurities or they are treating you this way because of something you have done, it is worthwhile to reach out to someone in the group to try to improve the dynamic. Initiating direct, empathic communication can sometimes open doors to understanding. It is best to avoid asking peers for “intel” as their responses may be affected by their own biases and can also lead to additional ill feeling among community members.

Rather, consider reaching out privately to one or two individuals from the group who might serve as a bridge between you and the rest of the group. In a private one-on-one conversation you can ask him about the interaction between the two of you. You might say something like, “I’ve noticed our interactions have changed recently, and I’m wondering if there is anything you know about that may have caused this.” This kind of gentle inquiry opens the door to honest feedback and information gathering without assuming anything. Approach the situation as an opportunity for genuine conversation, aiming to clear up any possible misunderstandings between the two of you, and maybe, between you and the rest of the group.

If you get feedback that there is something you have done, you can make an effort to repair your relationships and clear any misunderstandings. If, on the other hand, your inquiry is met with apathy or denial that there is something amiss, such as “I have no idea what you are talking about” — you might want to reconsider if it is healthy for you to belong to such a group.

It is important to balance your desire to be friends with everyone with the need to protect your emotional well-being. It is admirable that you try to maintain a “Mr. Nice Guy” persona, but it should not come at the expense of your authenticity and self-dignity. Of course, you can be nice and polite to members of this clique, yet spending energy on trying to be accepted by people who consistently exclude you is a recipe for burnout.

Instead, continue to build your community and strengthen your social network by developing more reciprocal relationships. If some individuals choose to distance themselves from you despite your best efforts, focus instead on cultivating bonds with those who appreciate you. Look for new opportunities within and beyond your current circle. Volunteering for community projects or joining groups that share your interests can help you forge deeper, more affirming connections.

In addition, you can choose to lead by example. Being active in community leadership and activities means you have multiple avenues for engagement. Consider hosting an event or a Shabbat dinner where everyone is invited, including those who might have grown distant. This could provide a neutral ground for reconnection and demonstrate that your commitment to the community is unwavering. Such initiatives not only remind others of your positive contributions but also reinforce an inclusive atmosphere, setting a standard for how community interactions should take place.

Navigating exclusion is never comfortable, but it can be an opportunity for personal growth. Remember that meaningful relationships are a two-way street: they are built on communication, shared values, and acceptance of one another’s individuality. If some people choose not to engage with you, likely because of their own insecurities, that reflects their limitations rather than any deficiency on your part. Exploring how to deepen relationships with those who appreciate and support you can draw you toward diverse people within your community and expand your horizons.

Ultimately, your sense of belonging should come about as an outgrowth of being true to yourself. Holding fast to your values — kindness, authenticity and generosity — will attract those who resonate with you so that you can enjoy a core community of nice, friendly people. In time, you may find that the group dynamic shifts naturally, embracing even those who were once distant, or you might discover new circles where your presence is celebrated. Embrace this as part of the natural process of growing your social network and your community.

Wishing you much success,

Chani

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Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your personal and professional relationships, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.