Elul can bring a mix of hope and renewal, but it also has a way of stirring up old wounds and harsh self-judgment. Every year, I hear from clients struggling with shame, regret, and self-blame. I remind them that it’s something I’ve faced myself—and I’m certain many of you have too. The new year offers a chance for forgiveness and fresh starts, but the introspection that comes with it can evoke difficult emotions—guilt, regret, and perhaps most harmfully, shame. When we focus solely on where we fell short or failed to meet our own expectations, the process becomes more of a reckoning with failure than an opportunity for growth and renewal.
Shame is a particularly heavy emotion to carry into this process. Unlike guilt about a specific action, shame goes deeper. Shame tells us that we are the problem, that we are flawed or unworthy at our core. While guilt motivates us to change, shame often paralyzes us, making it difficult to move forward. It keeps us stuck in cycles of self-blame, unable to embrace the possibility of change.
If you find yourself feeling burdened by shame or overwhelmed by self-judgment during this time, you’re not alone. And for those who struggle with anxiety, depression, trauma, or perfectionism—which could be as many as half of us—these feelings of being stuck in shame can be even more pronounced. Depression can distort how people view their past actions, casting everything in a negative light and reinforcing a sense of worthlessness. Anxiety might keep someone hyper-focused on their mistakes, playing them over and over in their mind. Trauma often leads to deeply rooted feelings of inadequacy, with individuals believing that their past defines them. And perfectionists, constantly striving for unattainable ideals, often see their failures as proof that they’ve fallen short.
It’s important to remind ourselves that teshuva is not meant to reinforce those feelings of shame. It’s not about confirming our worst fears about ourselves. Rather, teshuva is a process of healing and reconnection—both with ourselves and with Hashem. In Jewish thought, Elul is likened to an Ir Miklat (city of refuge), a place of safety and pause. The Ba’al HaTurim connects the letters of the word אלו”ל to the verse “אנה לידו ושמתי לך מקום אשר ינוס שמה”—a city of refuge where one [who accidentally killed another Jew] can flee for protection (Shemot 21:13). Just as the Ir Miklat provided a refuge for someone responsible for the gravest of destruction, God offers us Elul as a spiritual refuge where we can move past even our most profound failures in the past year without being overwhelmed by judgment. It’s a time to create space for ourselves, a moment to pause and breathe before the weight of self-criticism takes over.
Many of us go into teshuva feeling that we need to be perfect, that we need to prove our worth or make up for all the ways we’ve fallen short. But when we approach teshuva from a place of self-compassion, the process becomes less about punishment and more about renewal.
Self-compassion doesn’t mean ignoring our mistakes or pretending they don’t matter. It means acknowledging where we went wrong, but with the understanding that mistakes are part of the human experience. We can hold ourselves accountable without falling into shame. This perspective—one rooted in kindness toward ourselves—creates the space for genuine growth.
For those of us who struggle with perfectionism, anxiety, or depression, this shift in perspective can be especially difficult. When we’re constantly focused on meeting high expectations, it’s easy to see only where we’ve failed, to magnify every shortcoming and dismiss our efforts. In these moments, teshuva can feel more like a time of judgment than an opportunity for reconnection. If you find that these feelings are difficult to navigate on your own, consider working with a therapist who is not only clinically skilled but also understands the nuances of your spiritual path and the deep emotions this time can evoke.
But teshuva, at its core, is about returning to who we truly are. It’s about reconnecting with our essence—the part of us that remains whole and worthy no matter how many times we stumble. Hashem doesn’t demand perfection from us; rather, He offers us the chance to reflect and return, again and again. We don’t have to “fix” ourselves to be worthy of teshuva. We simply have to be honest—with ourselves, with Hashem, and with our own potential to grow.
As we move through Elul, let’s allow ourselves the space to reflect without the burden of shame. Let’s create an internal Ir Miklat where we can confront our mistakes with honesty and kindness, rather than self-criticism. In doing so, we transform teshuva into a process of healing, rather than judgment—a way to return to ourselves, to Hashem, and to the possibility of renewal.
Dr. Bin Goldman is a clinical psychologist. He works with adults and children in private practice, in Teaneck, New Jersey and the Upper West Side. He writes and speaks about mental health, Torah and spirituality.
