Many Jews go away for Passover, traveling to Florida, the Caribbean or other warm leisure locations. These Jews typically spend their time at a hotel or resort as part of an official Passover Program that features at least three square meals a day. (Yes, every meal featuring matzah is a square meal or, in some cases, rectangular.)

The food frenzy on Passover can be quite a spectacle. Those attending want to get their money’s worth and since the food is a major cost component, guests tend to treat every meal as though it was their last. For many, missing a meal simply is not an option:

Jew #1: Where have you been?

Jew #2: I went for a walk on the boardwalk with some friends.

Jew #1: A walk… with some friends?!?!?

Jew #2: Yeah. What’s the big deal?

Jew #1: The big deal is that you missed lunch?

Jew #2: So what?

Jew #1: So, I pay for lunch whether you show up or not. And it’s not cheap!

Jew #2: Oh, well then I guess I better tell you now that I’m also missing dinner tonight?

Jew #1: Are you kidding me?!?!? They’re serving steak and lamb!!!

Jew #2: But I’m doing a mitzvah. I’m visiting Bubbie because she said she’s too tired to schlep out for dinner.

Jew #1: Listen here, you are not missing dinner and neither is Bubbie. We’re talking about rib eye steak and rack of lamb!!! So, if you have to, get a bellhop to strap Bubbie to a dolly.

Jew #2: But I thought Passover is about freedom from bondage.

Jew #1: Not a $5,000 a head.

On a Passover Program, missing a meal has more than financial implications. There are social ramifications too:

Jew #1: So, what’s today’s schedule?

Jew #2: 7am to 10am is breakfast, 11am to 2pm is lunch and 6pm to 9pm is dinner.

Jew #1: Well, I need to exercise to work some of that off. It sounds like I have a 4-hour window between lunch and dinner, so that should work.

Jew #2: Oh no, I forgot to mention that they serve coffee, tea and snacks from 3pm to 5pm.

Jew #1: Well, I guess we can work out after dinner.

Jew #2: No, we can’t.

Jew #1: Why not?

Jew #2: Because the snack room reopens at 10pm.

Jew #1: Can’t we just skip one of the meals or snack time?

Jew #2: No, we absolutely cannot. It would be social suicide.

Jew #1: How so?

Jew #2: If we skip a meal and then show up to the next one, we’ll be totally out of the loop because everyone else will be talking about the previous meal, how good it was, how bad it was, etc. That’s what a Passover Program is all about.

Jew #1: I can’t believe I’m saying this but… that actually makes perfect sense.

Jews on Passover programs also like to reminisce about their favorite meals from years past:

Jew #1: Isn’t the brisket delicious?

Jew #2: Yeah but last year they had stuffed cabbage which I could not stop stuffing down my throat.

Jew #3: And two years ago they served Hungarian goulash that was simply out of this world. I was ready to move to Budapest.

Jew #4: True, but let’s not forget about the veal chops from three years go. I still dream of that veal meal.

Jew #5: Yes, it was excellent but then we also have to pay homage to the spare ribs from four years ago. They actually ran out of spare ribs; there wasn’t a rib to spare.

Jew #6: How do all of you remember what you ate so many years ago?

Jew #7: That’s a good question. I have 15 grandchildren and I cannot tell you a thing about them but I could write a 10-page poem about the London broil from five years ago.

Jew #8: I suffer from dementia but I distinctly remember every morsel of the lamb chops they served six years ago.

Jew #6: Well, that is amazing but perhaps we can talk about something else, besides your favorite meals from the past.

Jew #1: Sure, that’s a perfectly reasonable request.

Jew #6: Thank you.

Jew #1: Don’t mention it. Anyway, switching gears here, has anyone seen the menu for breakfast tomorrow?

Jew #6: Oy vey.

Bottom-line: On Passover, when the waiter is taking orders, pay attention or else you might get passed over.

By Jon Kranz