Friday, August 14, 2020

It was in the times of Herzog Special Edition Cabernet Sauvignon Chalk Hill 2016. In the year 5779, King Herzog Chalk Hill 2016 reigned over the Kosher Wine Kingdom, from California through Bordeaux and Israel. The King was a powerful, full-bodied, complex wine with 127 aromas and flavors and a structure built to age for over 15 years. In the first year its reign, the King organized a big party in its cellar and invited its Queen. The Queen was spoiled, so the King got angry and poured it down the drain and then threw it into the recycling bin.

Once its anger had passed, the King started looking for a new Queen. The King dismissed thousands of candidates. When came the turn of Château Malartic-Lagravière 2016, a great classified growth from Pessac-Léognan, an appellation located to the south of the Médoc, it pleased King Herzog Chalk Hill 2016 with its velvety texture and multiple layers of flavors, and so it made it Queen.


The Queen’s close relative, Château du Tertre Margaux 2016, was an elegant wine which commanded thought while swirled in the glass and sipped. Château du Tertre was always sitting by the Cellar to protect the Queen. After these events, King Herzog Chalk Hill elevated the evil Corked Bottle to Governor of its Kingdom. Corked Bottle was furious that Château du Tertre would not bow to it, unlike all other wines. Corked Bottle decided to build a 50-gallon sink to pour Château du Tertre down the drain and throw it into the recycling bin.

One night, Château du Tertre overheard two guards plotting to smash the King, so he warned it, and the two guards were poured down the drain and thrown into the recycling bin.

A long time went by and then one night, as King Herzog Chalk Hill couldn’t finish its glass, it called its servant, the lovely light to medium-bodied Herzog Lineage Pinot Noir 2017, to read a story from the archives. The servant related how Château du Tertre had saved the King. When King Herzog Chalk Hill heard that Château du Tertre was never rewarded for its merits, he called Corked Bottle who then happened to be in the Cellar and asked how should a subject dear to the King be honored. Corked Bottle suggested that the dear subject be publicly poured into the decanter of the King. King Herzog Chalk Hill ordered Corked Bottle to quickly run and pour Château du Tertre in the Royal Wine Decanter, so it ran and did as the King had requested. Corked Bottle felt so humiliated that it decided to also get rid of all kosher wines and randomly chose the 13th day of the month of Adar to carry out its evil plan.

When Château du Tertre heard of Corked’s intentions, it tore its label and told Queen Malartic-Lagravière to fast for three days with their people and then to go ask the King to nullify Corked Bottle’s terrible decree. The Queen had not been invited to the King’s cellar in over 30 days and feared for its fate. However when Queen Malartic-Lagravière walked into the King’s Cellar, King Herzog Chalk Hill picked up its corkscrew and handed it to the Queen, offering it up to half its cellar. The Queen invited the King and Corked Bottle for a tasting in the Queen’s cellar.

As they were drinking some deliciously aromatic and fragrant Flam Rosé 2018, the King again asked Queen Château Malartic-Lagravière what its request was, as it would give it up to half its cellar. The Queen told the King that someone was planning to get rid of all kosher wines. King Herzog Chalk Hill stood up in its anger and asked who it was. Château Malartic-Lagravière pointed and said, “The evil Corked Bottle!”

Corked Bottle leaned in panic over the Queen’s glass, infuriating the King even more. Then the Queen’s servant, the delicious semi-dry Carmel Appellation Gewürztraminer 2017, with its notes of peach, lychee and rose petals, told the King that Corked Bottle was also planning to pour its savior Château du Tertre down the drain in a 50-gallon sink it built especially for that purpose. King Herzog Chalk Hill 2016 ordered to pour the evil Cork Bottle down the drain in the 50-gallon sink it had built.

On the 13th of the month of Adar, the kosher wines poured out all corked bottles and were saved. The 14th of Adar was declared as Purim, a day of joy and feasting with many great kosher wines enjoyed at the Purim seudah and given as mishloach manos. L’chaim!

By Gabriel Geller

Gabriel Geller is a wine consultant for Royal Wines.