It all started just a few weeks ago, when Janet Andron Hoffman, a grandmother of five including a special needs child, reached out to Zeesy Grossbaum at The Friendship Circle of Bergen County. She wanted to network and meet other grandparents who also had special needs grandchildren. However, she quickly realized that no such forum existed where these individuals could come together to share their struggles, as well as resources.
A social worker for 45 years with a doctorate in early education, Hoffman said she tends to see life from several perspectives—from a professional one, and also from a parent and grandparents’ perspective. “As I have lived with the challenges of having a granddaughter with special needs for six years, I thought about others in this situation and the lack of support for the many issues that confront us.”
Grossbaum immediately sprang into action, creating a flier, organizing an event and getting the word out. Sure enough, Hoffman was spot-on, and Zeesy’s efforts, resourcefulness and ingenuity paid off.
Before they knew it, a group of people came together who all had one thing in common: They all had a grandchild with special needs. At that first meeting they discussed various issues they faced, they commiserated, and also shared moments that brought them happiness.
“Having a grandchild with special needs is such a joy and also such a challenge,” explained Grossbaum. “Sometimes people just need to find and connect with others in the same situation to talk things out, hear other perspectives and connect with others who are going through similar experiences.”
This special group of grandparents, which Hoffman describes as a type of “support” group, has met three times already and with each meeting, new faces, stories and journeys have been added.
“Some of the grandparents were at the beginning of their journey in learning about the disability while others have grandchildren who are much older,” Hoffman explained. “We addressed topics such as navigating the needs of our children, respecting boundaries, and the challenges of providing support for our grandchildren.”
Many participants shared stories, special moments and the pain and challenges they have experienced. “A commonality amongst the participants was the immense pride and respect they feel for their children and the absolute love they share for their families,” Hoffman said.
Stressing that the group is confidential for those who wish to have it that way, Hoffman stressed that it is really about creating commonalities and conveying the message that no one is alone in this situation. Many of the grandparents who attended “were trying to find their balance and define their roles, whether they should voice their opinions to their children or simply be constantly supportive while keeping their thoughts to themselves.”
Grossbaum recalled a discussion on when to “step in” and when to wait to be asked for help, and the many differing opinions on the issue. “It was interesting to see the different types of people and how they handled things differently yet at the end of the day, how much they had in common,” she recalled.
The group also talked about their experiences with grandchildren who live locally, while others live in different states and countries. “How do you handle your feelings, your concerns and your worries about your child and grandchild, yet you are not there to really be of much assistance?” Grossbaum added.
“Every time we had new faces and it was just so real; there was so much depth,” said Hoffman, who posed several questions to the group. She asked participants to share what they are most proud of and what their moments of joy look like, and emphasized that there are, indeed, plenty of things about which to feel joyful. Calling it “an opportunity for people to open up,” she said that issues of faith were discussed as well. “It was just so beautiful. I really feel that everybody who came benefited tremendously.”
The next session is set to take place January 9, except this grandparents group will have a special focus on estate planning for those with special needs grandchildren and what grandparents need to know about leaving money for their families. “You have to provide differently for grandchildren if they have special needs,” Hoffman said.
“People want to do something really nice for their grandchild but they really need to know the intricacies of the laws because leaving them a gift could end up being a real issue,” Grossbaum added. Major complications can arise, especially when one becomes dependent on the state.
“I think there is really something here,” said Grossbaum. “I think it’s a very niche crowd, but it certainly is a need that wasn’t being addressed. I’m so happy that Janet had the idea and reached out to us, and that we were able to create something that will be helpful for people.”
For more information or to join the next event, email [email protected]
By Ronit Mershon
