Parent-Teacher Conferences are fast approaching and each year I get calls from parents asking me how best to approach their children’s teachers. “How do I tell them that my son feels bored in class?” “How come they still don’t give my child the accommodations she is entitled to?” “How can I ask why my son doesn’t seem to have enough homework without upsetting his teacher?” These are just a few questions I get from concerned and well-meaning parents – both during conference time and all year long – who struggle to find the most effective way to communicate with their children’s schools.
Over my 15 years working at various day schools, I have found that the following pieces of advice help parents communicate their concerns and questions to teachers in ways that keep teachers open to hearing those concerns and, more importantly, open to making changes necessary to help children who need it.
Teachers are more able to help students whom they feel they know and understand. To that end, it helps to be in touch with teachers early in the year to introduce them to you and your child. An e-mail or phone call at the start of the year allows for communication when the pressure is off and, also, the building of a relationship outside the context of dealing with a problem or concern. Communicating early helps a teacher get to know your child and sets an expectation that you will be in touch and want to not only inform the teachers but remain informed BY the teachers as time goes on. (As we are well into the school year, this piece of advice can help you set up a relationship with your children’s teachers next year.)
When communicating with teachers, whether via e-mail, phone call or in person at conferences, it’s crucial to be aware of your language and the power that language has to open doors or close them. Phrases like “you haven’t” or “why won’t you” or “you really should,” often make teachers feel attacked and defensive and run the danger of shutting them down to what otherwise may be valid concerns or requests. No matter how right you feel you are or how strong your argument may be, making demands, taking an offensive stance or telling a teacher how to do their job may make him or her feel attacked — and anyone who feels attacked uses their energy to survive and is no longer focused on your particular issue or concern. Phrases like “how do you feel about trying…” or “have you noticed a difference in his behavior when you…” serve to present possible solutions while keeping the teacher in the role of expert and observer and not in a position of needing to defend him- or herself.
Make sure your children’s teachers understand that you respect them, value their opinions and appreciate their observations. To that end, I often counsel parents to empower the teachers (rather than dictate to them) and demonstrate that they understand that teachers are at the front-line of gathering data and providing solutions that they feel can be both helpful and reasonable for their classroom. Practically speaking, ask teachers for their observations of your child. Ask them to use their experience to suggest solutions that might address the issue at hand. ALWAYS begin your conversations with a “thank you” or some measure of appreciation for what they are doing. Teaching is often a thankless job and everyone appreciates hearing that you recognize the job they are doing and thank them for it.
Be aware of the hierarchical structure of the school your child is attending. Most schools prefer that parents contact their children’s teacher first when there is a concern. It not only demonstrates respect to the teacher by not “going over their head,” but also recognizes that the administration has an entire school to look after and can’t necessarily be as effective in developing and executing interventions for your child. Start with the teacher and if you feel that the teacher is either unresponsive or simply not succeeding with your child, then move “up the chain,” perhaps to a department head or school psychologist/learning specialist. I recommend contacting the Principal only as a last resort. In charge of so many aspects of running a school, the Principal may not be able to respond to you as quickly as your child’s teacher can and, while we all want to believe that everyone on the school is intimately aware of our child’s strengths and weaknesses, the reality is that your child’s teacher is almost always the most familiar with and knowledgeable about your child.
Our children are our most prized possession. Day school is one of our most costly investments. It makes sense that we want the best out of the school and we want it being directed toward our children. In my private practice and in my workshops with parents I stress that taking the time to consider, think about, develop and work on how to speak to your child’s school in general and to his or her teachers in particular will go a long way toward getting all you want out of your investment and what your children need to succeed.
Dr. Alex Bailey is a licensed school and clinical psychologist with a private practice in Teaneck, NJ. He works with teens and their families, adults and couples. He also provides psychological testing for ages 6-16; private pre- and early-marriage communications skills workshops; and workshops and lectures on communication for couples & parents, teachers & schools. Dr. Bailey can be reached at [email protected] or 201-357-2277.
By: Dr. Alex Bailey
