One of the most important components of Jewish life is the regular spiritual practice of tefillah. If Torah represents Hashem’s communication with Am Yisrael, tefillah is our communication with Hashem. Accessible to everyone regardless of their personal level of participation in religious life, tefillah is a medium of connection to Hashem in times of struggle or triumph, sadness or joy. After the tragic events of October 7, many people who never prayed before found themselves powerfully drawn to tefillah. More than an intellectual connection to Hashem, it is ideally an emotional experience. Yet for many people, children and teens especially, engaging meaningfully with tefillah can present a “relatability” challenge. How do we, as parents and educators, deal with this problem?
If it’s any consolation, even our sages were grappling with it more than 2,000 years ago. The rabbis articulated the supreme value of tefillah while recognizing the human tendency to take familiar things for granted: רַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן אוֹמֵר, הֱוֵי זָהִיר בִּקְרִיאַת שְׁמַע וּבַתְּפִלָּה. וּכְשֶׁאַתָּה מִתְפַּלֵּל, אַל תַּעַשׂ תְּפִלָּתְךָ קֶבַע, אֶלָּא רַחֲמִים וְתַחֲנוּנִים לִפְנֵי הַמָּקוֹם בָּרוּךְ הוּא, “Rabbi Shimon said: ‘Be careful with the reading of Shema and the Prayer. And when you pray, do not make your prayer something routine, but a plea for compassion before God.’” (Avot 2:13)
Through the lens of chinuch, thinking about methods of teaching or connecting students to an idea, my first question is: What challenges, blocks or obstacles might prevent them from grasping it? No matter how good the tool is, if students can’t connect to it, it’s useless. Our rabbis understood the challenge inherent in davening every day at the same time, repeating the same words, expecting to keep the emotional connection fresh and alive. And if this was true two millennia ago, it’s even more so today. A misguided perception of tefillah’s routine sameness can leave a child thinking, “I just did this yesterday and this morning. Why do I need to do it again?”
Another challenge for students is that at this stage in life, they may not identify with turning to Hashem for help. Most have been blessed, Baruch Hashem, with parents who provide for their needs; they haven’t felt compelled to connect with Hashem, the true Source of all. To them, Amazon is the source of everything. And yes, I can relate. Not until I was in my mid-twenties—when my wife was expecting our first child—did I feel totally helpless about something so important. That was when I connected deeply with the idea of tefillah, after realizing that life is too big to go through on our own. When October 7 happened, my students strongly connected with tefillah because they clearly saw the need for it; it gave purpose and meaning when there was little else they could do. But tefillah is not only about tragedy; we also encourage tefillah to come from a positive place of gratitude to Hashem for the joys and blessings of life.
The Gemara observes:
אֵלּוּ דְּבָרִים שֶׁעוֹמְדִים בְּרוּמוֹ שֶׁל עוֹלָם, וּבְנֵי אָדָם מְזַלְזְלִין בָּהֶן.
“Rav Naḥman bar Yitzḥak said: ‘Tefillah is a matter of utmost importance, which people nonetheless treat with contempt’” (Berachot 6b). Though something lofty and valuable, people tend to cheapen or mistreat tefillah. In shul, the congregation easily gets lost in a lengthy schmooze, turning communal tefillah into a social occasion. In an educational setting, disruptive students can be “shushed” or asked to leave the room, but a disciplinary approach won’t inspire the proper avirah (atmosphere). The goal is for the students themselves to create a respectful setting.
After identifying the challenges, we as educators need to put into practice different ways to offset them. Sometimes linguistic or conceptual complexities can present barriers. I find it best to focus on what’s within reach for students within a warm, welcoming environment that sets them up for success. “Don’t talk during davening!” gets reframed frequently as, “During tefillah, we speak only to Hashem, not to others.” A siddur with commentary offers students a break to read something interesting, keeping them engaged. Providing quiet time lets them proceed at their own pace. Favorite melodies bring everyone together, and explanations offer insight. One effective way to connect children with tefillah is by highlighting what’s meaningful to them. Davening for parnasa? Maybe not. But when davening for loved ones who are ill—and including their names in the tefillot—children start to associate prayer with helping people get through life. This slowly builds appreciation of tefillah as something powerful and important.
But it’s a lifelong process. As Rav A. I. Kook says, שבאמת הנשמה היא תמיד מתפללת…. אלא שבשעת התפילה המעשית, מתגלה בפעל התפילה הנשמתית התדירית. (“In truth, the neshama is constantly praying….However, the moment of actual prayer actively reveals the neshama’s constant prayers.”) The holy spark of the neshama is always there, a fire waiting to be lit. A conducive atmosphere can be the first step. When the neshama is given the time and space to align, tefillah flows naturally. Once the core of a child’s neshama gets a taste of the connection to Hashem, they will want to experience it again. In our own lives, too, we can keep small annoyances from intruding on our connection with Hashem. To daven, the rabbis understood, we need to “get into the zone.” About the prelude to the Amidah—”Hashem s’fatai tiftach”—the Ba’al Shem Tov observed, “even the ability to pray requires its own prayer.” No one has all the answers, but we do know Hashem eagerly awaits to connect with every one of us, more than we can imagine.
Rabbi Avi Hoffman is rav beit sefer at Westchester Torah Academy, a Modern Orthodox co-ed yeshiva day school in New Rochelle. He is also rabbi and a member of the founding team at The Jewish Renaissance Experience (JRE), a community-based educational organization serving Jews of all backgrounds in Westchester County. He obtained semicha from The Jerusalem Kollel in Israel, and graduated magna cum laude from New York’s Touro University with a bachelor’s in marketing/business management.
