Dear Rabbi Sam,

I am a single mom with two teenage sons, ages 15 and 18.  My problem is that my oldest son who only recently received his driver’s license, came home late, beyond our agreed upon curfew, two days in a row.

There is always an excuse why he didn’t get home on time, but he doesn’t take responsibility for it.

(You should know that he only recently was permitted to take his test because he was punished for not abiding by house rules.) When he began driving we made clear rules he agreed to and if he broke them he would lose access to the car for a month. I am feeling a bit guilty and I don’t want to punish him all the time, but I don’t know what else to do. I also want to make sure that his younger brother will get the right message about following rules and driving safely. What do you think is the best way to handle this?

Signed,

Feeling guilty about punishing

Dear Feeling Guilty,

Raising teenagers can be a minefield under the best of circumstances. As a single parent the challenges are magnified. I want to applaud you for trying to set reasonable driving standards and expectations for your son.  Why would you feel guilty about wanting your son to keep to timeframes and safety guidelines? Rather than think you are “punishing” him, try to help him realize that he hasn’t earned the privilege of driving as a consequence of his behavior.

You indicated that you had a prior discussion with him about driving rules and your requirements. Therefore, if he does not abide by them he is not rewarded with continued use of the car. However, if he does cooperate and complies with the rules, you can reward his positive behavior and not need to resort to consequences or punishments. You are merely being consistent about you arrangement with him.

I would like to focus on some discipline concepts and highlight some differences between punishment and consequences.

Disciplined with Consequences

Adults establish clear, fair and enforceable rules

Children are told the consequences in advance

They are shown positive alternatives

They see how their actions affect others

Good behavior is rewarded

Disciplined with Punishment

Their behavior is reacted to, usually with anger

They behave to avoid a penalty or punishment

They make excuses and do not take responsibility

They do not see how their actions affect others

If you can help your son see the importance of the rules and guidelines as your way of caring for him and ensuring his safety, then he will hopefully be more accepting and compliant. By following through on your agreement shows both your sons how serious you are about driving safely, and that should give them the positive message you hope to send.

Wishing you and your sons well,

Rabbi Sam Frankel, LCSW,Dean of Students at Yavneh Academy, Paramus, NJ Private Practice in Child and Family Therapy, Teaneck, NJ To submit letters for response send to: RabbiSam_jewishlinkbc.com Contact Rabbi Sam at: (201) 928-1148; rebsf18_yahoo.com

By Rabbi Sam Frankel