My Mother’s Letter

At the funeral of my mother, Shani Feder, a”h, my father recounted a regular occurrence during her short yet joyful 57 years. Whenever a new doctor requested her medical history, my mother would launch into a detailed account. After detailing her five major illnesses, 12 major surgeries, over 100 medical procedures and over 200 hospital nights, the bewildered doctor would reply, “But you look good?” She would invariably respond, “I feel great!”

Despite my mother’s cheerfulness, there wasn’t a day in her last two decades when she wasn’t in pain. Yet she never complained. Always happy and bringing joy to those around her, she left us all wondering: “How did she do it? What was her secret to happiness in the face of adversity?” To convey her wisdom, she wrote the following heartfelt letter to my siblings and me just before another life-threatening surgery:

“Just a Happy Mother’s Day note from ‘Dear Old Mom’ (although I decided not to send on Mother’s Day):

I am awed by watching the miraculous order of God’s nature unfolding in my backyard—you can see throughout nature, a mother’s job is to give her child wings, teach them to fly and watch them soar. Each year, I watch the swans hatch ugly ducklings, teach them to hunt for food and—when strong enough—teach them to fly. Then, they turn into beautiful swans and fly off to start their own lives (so it seems). Fortunately, children may leave the nest—but don’t always leave the neighborhood. And I have really had the zechus to watch you all soar.

I just have a few words of motherly advice, as you soar. It’s not Torah miSinai—that your father and rebbeim have taught you well, and I, in turn, have learned much from you—but just some thoughts on happiness.

Enjoy and cherish every day—don’t worry so much about tomorrow, on what might or might not happen. Do the best you can—but if you focus your worry on tomorrow, it makes you lose today and tomorrow. If something bad is going to happen, it will happen. You won’t be able to deny it. At least you have today—and so many wonderful things happen in today.

If something bad or unexpected happens, you will deal with it—you are stronger than you think—and, maybe, some good will even come from it. Only God knows what lies ahead, what’s just around the corner. We cannot write the script. We don’t even always know what is good or bad. Sometimes, it’s a matter of a person’s perspective on life and what’s truly important to them. One can only strive for the best Torah life.

Always thank God for all the good that you have (and for the bad that you don’t have). Nothing is a given. Appreciate it all—but try not to judge people who don’t seem to. You never really know what their true circumstances are. But, do try to treat them as you would like them to treat you (God created all of us).

And, of course, try to do things with a smile. Nobody likes a grump; your words of wisdom (and even help and criticism) are better accepted if given with a smile.

Okay, enough preaching. I could keep going— but as you realize, that’s not the point of this message. (I can take lessons from you all on these topics.) As I hope you realize, the point of this all is to simply say, I thank God every day that I am truly blessed with happiness (to be clichéd, “Yiddishe nachas”).

Bumps in the road are just that and make me appreciate what I have more. I am sorry for how they affect you and your father. My wings may be clipped for a short time but, God willing, all will be well (even better, I hope and pray—‘no pain no gain,’ as they say).

So, shut off this computer and go teach my grandchildren to fly … With God’s help, I will be there very soon to help.

Love,

The Tough Old Bird.”

Baruch Hashem, my mother lived for two more years after this surgery. While her moving letter offered insight into how she maintained her positivity despite her illnesses, I yearned for a deeper understanding. It slowly became clear to me that while my mother’s happiness was truly remarkable, it wasn’t purely her own; it was the happiness of a life deeply rooted in Torah principles. As my mother intuitively sensed the Torah’s lessons about happiness, she built her life around them. Since these lessons empowered her to face her challenges with joy, she carefully crafted her letter to show us how to follow in her footsteps.

Each year, as I prepared for a shiur in honor of her yahrzeit, I would study my mother’s letter in combination with associated words of our Sages. The more I analyzed her letter, the more I appreciated its depth. Over time, I came to see each part of my mother’s letter as a pearl of wisdom that guided me in living a joyous Torah life.

Over time, as I studied her letter alongside the wisdom of Chazal, I realized that her words held profound lessons not just for me, but for anyone seeking joy in the face of life’s challenges. Inspired by her example, I felt compelled to share these insights more widely. “Happiness in the Face of Adversity: Meaningful Torah Ideas from a Mom’s Parting Words,” is my small attempt to teach my mother’s Torah lessons in a way that can help us all be a little happier today, than we were yesterday. It takes readers on a journey to decipher my mother’s clues and unravel her secrets about confronting adversity with joy.

While inspired by my mother in particular, this book provides a thought-provoking analysis of the Torah’s path to happiness that’s available to everyone. Some Torah topics that are discussed include: emunah, reward and punishment, brachos, gam zu letova, sameach b’chelko, dan l’chaf zechus, the golden mean, midas chasidus, jealousy, love your friend like yourself, lishmah and lo lishmah, hakaras hatov, miracles and natural law.

“Happiness in the Face of Adversity” combines probing analysis of important Torah concepts with meaningful and practical lessons about happiness. Each chapter takes a different part of my mother’s letter, shares relevant anecdotes from her life and then delves into the deeper meaning of her words. To do so, it analyzes relevant teachings from Chazal to uncover the Torah’s wisdom about happiness. The conclusion of each chapter provides practical steps to incorporate these lessons into our lives. God willing, “Happiness in the Face of Adversity” will provide its readers a path to follow my mother’s example in framing their lives around joy, instead of adversity.

My mother’s life demonstrated that true happiness comes from a mindset deeply rooted in Torah values and principles. For a deeper analysis of Torah sources on happiness, or to explore more lessons from my mother about living a joyous Torah life, you can find “Happiness in the Face of Adversity” on Amazon, Mosaica Press or at your local seforim store.

Rabbi Elie Feder PhD, a rebbe at Yeshiva Bnei Torah and a math professor at Kingsborough Community College, is the author of Gematria Refigured (2022) and Happiness in the Face of Adversity (2024). He is also a cohost of the podcast “Physics to God” and the host of the podcast “Simply Deep.”