Dear Dr. Chani,
I recently heard about a fantastic girl—let’s call her Elana—who has many of the qualities I am looking for in a wife. I was starting to find out more about Elana when someone called me to see if she would be a good idea for my best friend. I was a bit confused by the sudden turn of events. Of course, I gave a glowing report about my friend and I hoped for the best. It turns out that my friend dated Elana a few times and then he broke it off. He told me that Elana was interested in him but he did not think it would work out. He had no idea that I had been checking her out. Now I feel like he ruined the experience for me and I am not interested in dating her.
My sister, who I turn to for dating advice, advised me that I should still be willing to go out with Elana despite the history between her and my friend. She said that it should not matter that my friend broke up with her since we are different people and there could be a different chemistry between me and Elana. I understand that she is right from a logical standpoint but I feel uncomfortable about it for several reasons.
First of all, I feel like a loser dating my best friend’s “leftovers.” If he did not feel that Elana was good enough for him, then why should I be willing to date her? This is even more significant for me because I feel like, in my ways, I am a better catch than my friend. I feel like it is beneath me to go out with someone that he rejected.
Second of all, I am concerned because my friend told me that Elana was interested in him. How do I know that Elana is emotionally “over” my friend? What if she still has feelings for him? I do not want to live in his shadow or for Elana to compare me to him. This applies to when we are dating, but it would even be true if we got married. If I maintain my friendship with my friend, things will always be awkward between him and Elana, and I will feel inadequate knowing that she really liked him first.
Thirdly, even though we have a lot in common, I am different from my friend in many ways. If Elana was interested in him then she probably would not be able to appreciate my unique qualities. If she was willing to continue dating him, she probably does not care so much about the specific talents, accomplishments and values that I have. Even if she could appreciate me, I do not feel excited to go out with her if she was interested in someone who does not have my qualities. If Elana is willing to marry someone more mediocre, she may not have the ability to appreciate my special characteristics.
What do you think about my analysis? If you think I should give Elana a chance, can you please help me get to the point where I am excited to go out with her?
Thanks in advance,
Alex
Dear Alex,
I understand how disappointing it was for you to watch the girl that you were potentially interested in end up dating your best friend. Now that he has broken up with her and told you that she was interested in dating him, you feel like it is hopeless to date her. You have questions about her potential to be a good fit for you, as well as her mindset and feelings. Yet, along with your sister’s advice, by reaching out to me it suggests that you have your own inclination to consider dating Elana, despite what happened. It is helpful to consider all of the possibilities before making a decision. Let’s explore some of your conclusions and how you might look at things from another perspective.
Your first objection is that you are a better catch than your friend and since he did not deem Elana worthy enough for himself, then why should she be “good enough” for you? Yet dating is very complex. You cannot draw conclusions about the kind of person Elana is or who she is looking for simply because she dated your friend and was willing to continue dating him before he broke up with her.
To some extent, your approach sets up a hierarchy of sorts with you being above the level of your best friend and Elana being beneath the level of your friend, simply because she was willing to continue dating him and he broke up with her. Yet, it is not in your interests to approach people with this artificial hierarchy of people being “better than” or “less than” others. Every person is unique. Each person has their own strengths and challenges. It is helpful for you to look for a person who has the combination of qualities you are looking for, regardless of other people’s opinions of them or the people they chose to date.
Keep in mind that having someone choose not to date you does not make you less than that person. There are many reasons why someone would choose not to continue dating a person. In fact, one of the reasons a person might break up with someone is because he thinks that she will eventually break up with him—so he chooses to break up with her first. You do not really know why your friend broke up with Elana and you cannot use this as a basis for determining her qualities.
On that note, your friend’s evaluation of Elana is the result of his unique interaction with her. You should not make a decision about Elana because your friend decided she was not right for him. Every couple has their own chemistry and dynamic. Even if your friend decided that Elana was not a good fit for him, this does not mean that she would not be right for you. There may be specific aspects of each of them that did not match up. Yet, Elana may be the right combination of features for you.
Your second concern is that Elana may still have feelings for your friend because he told you that she was willing to continue dating him. This question is related to your third issue, that if Elana was interested in your friend, and he is mediocre compared to you, then maybe she cannot appreciate and would not care so much about your unique qualities. Yet there are many reasons why Elana may have said yes to him. Her interest in continuing does not prove that she was emotionally invested in the relationship. It does not mean that she was ready to marry him. You do not really even know if she was interested at all. She may have been willing to go out with him again to give him a chance, even if she had doubts about him. You do not know how Elana feels about him simply because she agreed to another date.
Also, Elana may have been interested in going out with your friend because she might not yet be aware of what she is looking for. Dating is a process. One of the benefits of the process is that by dating different people, you can gain clarity about what you are looking for. You cannot draw a conclusion about Elana’s priorities or preferences based on her choices because she might not yet know exactly what qualities she is looking for.
On top of this, even if Elana has clarity about what she is looking for, she may have gotten the impression that she will have to compromise on certain qualities and that she cannot expect to find someone who has every quality she wants on the level that she desires. If so, maybe she was putting in an effort to get to know your friend even if he did not have the qualities she truly wants. This is especially possible since they only went out a few times. Yet it would even be valid had they dated for a while. The only way you can know how Elana felt about your friend is to discuss it with her.
As far as your worry that Elana may still have feelings for your friend, it is true that initially she may still have an interest in him. If you focus on this it can feel awkward to date her. Yet, if you choose to get to know her and you develop a great relationship, it will progress far beyond the point at which your friend broke up with her. Even if Elana did have feelings for him, she will likely move past them as she develops a deep, fulfilling and enduring relationship with you.
Whether or not it will be awkward while you date her and if you end up marrying her has a lot to do with you. We may not realize how much our own perceptions and mindset contribute to the way other people act. If you think it is awkward you will give off that vibe—verbally or nonverbally. In effect, your mindset will create a self-fulfilling prophecy. If, on other hand, you approach each date with a clean slate, forgetting about the past between her and your friend, you will allow yourself the opportunity to meet a wonderful girl, who potentially may be the wife of your dreams. You may want to give yourself a chance to get to know her for yourself and see how things work out.
Wishing you much success,
Chani
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Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your relationship with yourself, your loved ones, or others in your life, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.
