Dear Penina,

My marriage is okay, but I believe it could be a lot better. We have days that are decent and even good days. However, we also have some pretty bad days, and the pain from those days always affects our relationship. I’m unable to talk through or work out issues with my husband. My husband is helpful, generous and works hard. Nevertheless, he can be very critical at times. He often prefaces his hurtful comments with “I don’t want to hurt your feelings,” and then proceeds to hurt my feelings. He rarely shows appreciation for all my hard work in our marriage and family.

When I try to discuss his concerns with him, he doesn’t listen and blames me for any issues in our marriage. He doesn’t acknowledge his own contributions to our conflict and disconnection. He’s refused couples therapy, saying that I am the one that has all the issues. I’ve attended individual therapy over the years, which has been helpful, but it hasn’t improved our relationship enough. When I try to share my feelings, he dismisses them.

What can I do aside from grinning and bearing it? I know that approach won’t lead to a healthy relationship. My husband believes that all our issues stem from the dysfunction I grew up with. He had his own challenges, but he doesn’t see how they affect him.

Sincerely,
Discouraged

Dear Discouraged,

I understand your pain and frustration. Many individuals face marital distress with an unwilling, unaware partner. I agree that couples therapy could be beneficial with the right practitioner. Since your husband is opposed to therapy, let’s focus on communication strategies.

When he shares criticism or concerns, try to identify the underlying need. Validate his frustration and express appreciation for his willingness to share. However, follow that up by gently explaining how his approach is hurtful. Look for common threads in his complaints and try to address the repeat issue that is hurting him. Try to fill his cup in ways that make him feel loved.

In a calm moment, ask to have a discussion with him about something very important to you. Start by expressing what you love and appreciate about him. Then, gently share how his actions are hurting your heart and preventing closeness. Explain that you want more closeness and identify the obstacle. Try to explain how your hurt is hurting him since it is preventing you from showing love at times.

If you want to try to convince him to go to therapy, acknowledge his discomfort and validate his feelings. Tell him the benefits of therapy: building a stronger foundation to your relationship; improved communication; developing emotional safety and responsiveness. It will also teach you how to get out of the negative patterns that hurt your relationship. Explain to him that even couples with healthy relationships can enhance their marriage through therapy. If you know of others who have benefitted, give anonymous examples. Offer him the chance to choose the therapist.

If he is still hesitant, you may want to suggest trying together to make a concerted effort to improve the relationship and set up a date a few months later when the two of you will evaluate together what progress has been made. If there is an improvement, that’s great and if there isn’t, maybe he will see the need for therapy. Remember to always try to share your concerns in a sensitive, nonjudgmental, non-critical, vulnerable way to get a better response from him.

Sincerely,
Penina

Penina Flug, LCSW, has dedicated over two decades to helping individuals, couples and families. She received her master’s in social work from Fordham University in 2003, and advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) in 2015. Her private practice focuses on relationship therapy and premarital education. Penina is also a passionate advocate of premarital education within the Jewish community. Penina also contributes to the field by training premarital educators, including kallah teachers. Penina can be reached at penina@peninafluglcsw.com.