People who know us well think that “Shira” and I would make a perfect match. Not because we match up on the outside, but because they feel we would be great together and complement each other’s qualities. We know a lot of people in common and it’s come up so many times. I’ve seen Shira at friends’ weddings and other places and even spoke to her briefly once or twice. I desperately want to go out with her. I love what I see and what everyone tells me about her. The problem is that she has an image of me that I don’t think is totally accurate.

I live in the Five Towns and I guess I have to admit that I’ve lived a spoiled life. With my family, I’ve traveled more than most adults. I’ve tried and love things like skiing and snorkeling. But I do have a very serious side as well and though I wouldn’t want to give up some of the fun sports I’ve come to love, I also value my time learning and would never dream of giving that up either.

Shira comes from a modest family. What comes back to me repeatedly is that she is looking for a more “eidel” sort of guy, who has lived a simpler life. I guess I don’t necessarily come off as “eidel,” since I’m very friendly and outgoing. Shira comes off as very understated and low-key, which to me is part of her appeal. And isn’t it true that opposites attract?

I feel she is judging me by my exterior and won’t even give me a chance to show her my serious side, which is also an important part of me. I have tried through so many different sources to get Shira to give me a chance and at least go out with me once. But so far, I have always been turned down. Honestly, it’s almost become like an obsession with me. I don’t want to give up. In general, I’m not one to give up on a challenge. I’m so focused on going out with Shira that I’ve turned down a number of ideas because I can’t seem to get her out of my thoughts. Is there anything I can try, that maybe I haven’t thought of, to get Shira to give me a chance? To at least go out with me one time and get to know who I really am? I feel like if she goes out with me once she’ll think differently of me. And if not, maybe then I’ll be able to move on.

The Navidaters Respond:

I’m so sorry you are experiencing this rejection. I can’t help but notice that you are a very determined individual. While that quality will suit you well in other areas of your life, such as business, fundraising or cold calling, it doesn’t seem to have any place in your pursuit of Shira.

There are lots of women out there. Smart, kind, beautiful, warm, funny, charming, etc. I’m wondering why you would focus on the one woman who rejects you. Perhaps this is something you should explore with a therapist. I say this because it seems like your obsession with Shira is getting in the way of successful dating and a long-term relationship. I hate to sound harsh but perhaps she’s just not that into you. Several years ago there was a wildly popular book titled “He’s Just Not That Into You.” I am not recommending it as a great clinical read, nor do I even know the author, nor have I read it myself. It was somewhat of a sensation because it was so liberating to women. According to this book, gone were to be the days of women sitting by the phone or rationalizing why a man had yet to ask them out again. The idea was, if he isn’t acting into you—if he wasn’t actively pursuing you—then he’s just not that into you. There is liberation in that! It was OK if a guy or girl wasn’t returning calls or asking you out again. He just wasn’t into you. Nothing personal, no more wasted energy. Just moving on to bigger and better.

I’m going to say something that may hurt (and I apologize in advance… but I’m genuinely saying it for your benefit)… Shira is just not that into you. You need to accept this so that you can move on and date. There will be more people who will not be that into you. Unfortunately, this is life. We all have to suffer rejection. And it hurts. And we cry. And we mope around for a while. And we question our looks, our intelligence, what went wrong, even our self worth. But there comes a point when we must move on. In the words of Disney’s Elsa, Let It Go.

Sincerely,

Jennifer

Esther Mann, LCSW, and Jennifer Mann, LCSW, are licensed, clinical psychotherapists and dating and relationship coaches working with individuals, couples and families in private practice in Hewlett, New York. To set up an appointment, please call 516.224.7779. Press 1 for Esther, 2 for Jennifer. To learn more about their services, please visit thenavidaters.com. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question anonymously, please email [email protected]. You can follow the Navidaters on Facebook and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.

By Jennifer Mann