Simon (42) came to therapy because he felt stuck in his dating life. Speed dating barely yielded “matches,” connections from dating apps usually ended after several phone calls or one date, and people in his close circle and greater community didn’t seem to be eager to introduce him to potential partners.
In therapy, Simon worked on making his screening process more conscious and deliberate. He clarified (and expanded!) how many miles he is willing to travel and what level of observance will be the best fit for him. He verbalized his insecurities about different areas in his life and discovered empowered ways to talk about them. He received direct and honest feedback on key communication skills. He started thinking in terms of places, apps and people that will be more likely to connect him with women that will be closer to who he is actually looking to meet for a long term relationship.
Some clients wonder if it is relevant for them to start therapy if they are single but actively dating (or struggling to date).
Dating can be extremely confusing. Contemplating over and over the long-term compatibility, being uncertain about what is a “red flag,” what’s “non-negotiable,” and what’s a “bonus.” More importantly, what is the level of flexibility with each of these categories?
And then there is the noise of the butterflies, the loneliness, the urgency, the biological clock, the five-year plan.
A good therapist will not only help you clarify what you want and need but will also hold you accountable as you go through the complex process of starting and maintaining a healthy relationship.
A good therapist will help you work on self-reflection, confidence, communication skills, emotional intelligence, boundaries and assertiveness.
The reason he didn’t call, she “ghosted” you, the relationship ended prematurely or you can’t get over the ex, lies somewhere in developing those crucial and practical skills and attitudes.
The presence of a non-judgmental (but attentive and honest) therapist will help you illuminate repetitive mistakes and bad habits that you’re oblivious to, and no one is telling you about.
Imagine that you can start seeing the recurring patterns that sabotage your potential or existing relationship. Imagine that you can start communicating your needs directly, instead of hiding them behind passivity, passive-aggressiveness and anger.
In therapy you can start having the conversation about:
What makes a couple compatible enough for the long term;
The major red flags that make a relationship fail;
When it’s time to end a relationship;
How can you approach dating in a more effective way;
How to get over a break-up or divorce.
Therapy is the place to have the conversations you’ve never had, evaluate what’s working, what’s not working and strategize what to do about it. Growth and excitement are attainable and the therapeutic journey can lead to a more fulfilling and empowered life.
Kate Winkler is a Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist (LAMFT) at Group Therapy NJ. She is passionate about learning how individuals establish and maintain connections. She works with individuals, couples and families. In addition to English, Kate speaks Hebrew, Russian and is studying Spanish. If you are new to therapy, not sure you need therapy or have been frustrated with therapy in the past, feel free to reach out at [email protected] or 732.320.3651 and book a free consultation.
