Our daughter had been on a track to get engaged in the near future. Her future choson seemed all right, though my husband and I were never totally smitten with him, but figured we weren’t the ones marrying him and if our daughter was so happy with him we would go along, though cautiously and with a bit of hesitancy.
Recently, I got a call from someone I know only casually. She sounded very nervous and almost reluctant to talk to me, but felt that she had an obligation to share something with me that she knew about the young man our daughter was dating. She said that her daughter was now divorced with two small children and she wished that someone had come clean with her about certain details that definitely would have shut down any chance of her daughter marrying the man she ultimately divorced.
Without going into detail, the information she shared with me was definitely of great concern and I thanked her for making the hard call. I discussed it with my husband and we both felt that we had to share this information with our daughter as soon as possible, so that she could walk away from this relationship that was getting more serious by the minute.
When we shared what we knew with our daughter, who just turned 20 and, honestly, isn’t the most mature 20-year-old, she basically told us she didn’t care. She said she was in love and was going to get engaged to him and get married, whether or not we were on board. She’s always been strong willed and sometimes impetuous, but we were shocked at her reaction. We figured maybe she needed a few days to let it sink in. But she just kept digging in her heels regarding her determination to marry this man, with no thought or care about his past. She had an excuse for everything and basically told us that if we refused to be excited for her and refused to make her a wedding, his family would make a wedding for them. Our guess is that his parents are so desperate for him to get married, they’ll do whatever they can to seal the deal.
Where do we go from here? Do we support our daughter, even though we feel in our hearts that she’s walking into a horrible marriage that will probably end badly? Do we tell her that we don’t support her and won’t attend any wedding with this man? What is our best recourse at this point?
The Navidaters respond:
You don’t mention the specific, hair-raising information brought to your attention by this well-meaning caller. I have to imagine that it is of a very serious nature: history or current use of drugs or alcohol, mental illness, risk-taking behaviors, possible personality disorder, etc. Some email submissions leave me more hesitant to give clear direction than others, and yours is one of them. I am not privy to the following information which I need in order to give you a suggestion of any kind:
- 1. What exactly is the issue at hand?
- 2. Is there a history of you being critical of your daughter or your daughter’s choices, or of being intrusive and lacking boundaries?
- 3. Does your daughter have a history of making poor choices, mental illness or other cognitive deficits? Does your daughter have friends? In other words, what did her personal life look like before this boy came around?
- 4. Was the information you received confirmed?
- 5. Who put her on this “track” to get married? Was it her idea? Was it your idea? Was it agreed upon?
- 6. If you agreed to it in any way, shape or form, knowing she is immature and somewhat defiant, what is your understanding of your reasoning? (If this is true, get into therapy ASAP to help you have a really clear understanding of the situation at hand and how to break the cyclical, negative dynamics between you and your daughter. There may be some enabling at play.)
The answers to these questions are critical. Without them, I’m afraid I can’t be of much help to you. I have to assume too much, and I don’t want to speak irresponsibly. This is time sensitive as your daughter is moving forward full steam ahead. I suggest you speak with someone sooner rather than later, be it a trusted rav and/or therapist experienced with parenting adult children.
I say the following speaking to the general issue at hand, and not to your specific situation. If a young-adult child has always been level headed, has been overall respectful (including the expected and normal teenage attitude and drama) and has made age-appropriate informed decisions, and then suddenly acts out (atypical behavior, “out of the blue”), there is cause for concern and good reason to get involved. The hope is that the parents have leverage and their involvement will help the situation. If such an adult child were to suddenly find herself in a relationship with a troubled young guy, my general leaning would be to influence parents to encourage her to exit the relationship. We would discuss gentle and collaborative, yet firm, strategies to help the child out of the risky relationship.
However, if the adult child has always been a “handful,” i.e., defiant, engaging in unhealthy risk-taking behaviors, refusing suggestion or help of any kind etc., the strategy to attempt to remove a child from an unhealthy adult relationship looks different. This child has never listened to you before, so to think she will listen currently (when she is emboldened by her new relationship) is futile. Fighting or arguing with such a young adult is pointless. Generally speaking (though the strategy is different for every situation), you profess your love, you express your concern, you tell them you will not fight about it, you make it clear the choice is theirs, and tell them what consequences will follow (you as the parents choose your consequences, which is often the most confusing part).
Children need love. The defiant, distant, troubled ones need it the most. Children need boundaries. The defiant, distant, troubled ones need them the most. This is the truth. Our job as parents is to hold these two somewhat paradoxical truths. The goal is to keep your child out of the relationship and to keep them in your life. What’s the big fear every parent with a defiant adult child has? In a nutshell, I’ll lose her forever. Many risk-taking, defiant children are capable of cutting out their parents. Parents have to look that fear in the eye and make the very personal decision: Will I go along with her program so I can have her in my life? Or can I no longer watch her ruin her life and prepare myself to possibly lose her? This is one of the hardest decisions a parent could ever make.
Back to you, author. Seek counsel now. Your daughter is in trouble and you need advice. Be sure to discuss questions 1-6 above to help inform your next move. Sending you positive thoughts and wishes for a positive outcome.
By Jennifer Mann, LCSW
Jennifer Mann, LCSW, is a licensed, clinical psychotherapist and dating and relationship coach working with individuals, couples and families in private practice in Hewlett, New York. To set up an appointment, please call 516.224.7779. Press 2 for Jennifer. To learn more about her services, please visit thenavidaters.com. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question anonymously, please email [email protected]. You can follow The Navidaters on Facebook and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.
