I’m a 22-year-old single woman who has been dating for a few years now. I’ve been set up with all sorts of young men. With some of the men I went out with, it was immediately clear to me that we were wrong for one another. Either we had different attitudes and goals about life or there were personality issues or I just didn’t like the way he behaved. Maybe he seemed too nervous, or was disrespectful toward people we came in contact with.

However, I also went out with a number of men who checked out in all of the above ways. We agreed on future goals and lifestyles, they possessed fine personalities and they were perfectly respectfully and total “mentches.” Everything on my “must have” list checked off and I had nothing negative to say about them.

But, I never felt excited. I never felt like I couldn’t wait until our next date because I enjoyed being with them so much. I notice how my friends who have gotten engaged behave when they are getting to the point of being proposed to. There is such an excitement around them and they can’t stop talking about the man they are about to get engaged to. I have never felt that way about anyone.

My problem and fear is that I’ll never know when it’s the right one because maybe I’m just not the type of person who gets butterflies in her stomach. I’ve asked so many friends, “How do you know when he’s the right one?” Usually the response is something like, “When it’s right – you’ll know.” But I’m starting to think that maybe I’ll never know. I know that I’ve let some wonderful men slip away, because I just “didn’t know.”

Any suggestions for someone like me?

The Navidaters respond:

Handfuls of women have met with me in your exact shoes. How will I know when he is the one? Or they are actively dating someone and are trying to “figure out” their feelings. While everyone is unique with a different set of circumstances, oftentimes our work usually boils down to figuring out if their uncertainty is a result of the relationship they are in, or their personality or pre-existing anxiety.

I am curious about your personality and whether or not you have some general anxiety. If you have anxiety, my recommendation is to work on your anxiety now, while you aren’t seeing anyone. Explore your fears, triggers and the way you manage your feelings and emotions. There are wonderful, effective treatments for anxiety and some or even all of the work can be done on your own. Check out YouTube for mindfulness and breathing exercises. Find activities that take your mind off your worries and allow you to relax and enjoy yourself. Continue all these activities once you are dating someone (and for the rest of your life).

There are people who don’t experience butterflies and go on to have deeply fulfilling and romantic relationships with their husbands. That is A-OK. These people are usually not as excitable in general. There are some women who buy a new pair of shoes and gush and emote and it puts a new pep in their step. Other women can buy a pair of fabulous shoes and think logically, “These shoes might match my navy outfit. I will go home and try them on.” (I am not comparing a relationship to shoes, just making a little analogy.)

In my opinion, as long as a chemistry is developing and there is some connection experienced when together, I encourage clients to keep at it and see where it goes. Not every relationship develops over the course of two or three months. Some people need more time; they need to know that this person is the “real deal.” Some people need to develop a friendship first. However, if the relationship begins to feel belabored or unenjoyable, then that is a potential signal that the relationship may be coming to an end.

Outside of religious circles, many men and women meet first as friends and then a romantic relationship develops over time. Some of these people would tell you that they would never dream of jumping into a relationship because it is not in their nature. They like to take it slow and watch what happens over time. Though it is not permissible to date this way in some Orthodox circles, I think what you can take from it is that it is normal to need more time to see if feelings develop. The formula for Orthodox dating just doesn’t mesh with all personality types. We must acknowledge this. Try to detach from your worries and take the approach of I will watch what happens. I don’t have to know anything right away. Try to take the pressure off.

I am wondering if any of your own “hang ups” could be getting in the way of developing feelings. I’ll just throw out some common issues I have seen along the way.

The Fear of Missing Out, otherwise known as FOMO: Is there someone better out there?

Comparisons: Will he measure up to my friend or sister’s husband?

Living in the future and missing out on the present: being fixated on all the “what ifs” even when you have so much in common.

Nitpicking: Taking the few things that aren’t perfect and examining them under a microscope… obsessively.

Do I really want to get married right now?: Somewhere inside of me, I have this feeling that I’m not ready to get married. But I’m doing it because it’s time or because everyone else is doing it, or because I don’t know what else to do.

These are issues we work on within ourselves to make sure we don’t bring them with us into our relationships. No man, no matter how wonderful he is, will be able to fix this for you. He will not be able to prove himself or measure up if we are dealing with any of these fixed beliefs.

The good news is that if you relate to anything I mentioned in this column, you can work on yourself! It will require some deep thought, navigating some uncomfortable waters, challenging old notions and taking risks. The reward is that you will potentially be able to feel more confident in your ability to recognize your feelings, tolerate any anxiety or embrace your personality. And let’s not forget to mention that it’s quite possible you simply haven’t met Mr. Right at 22, and you may very well get those butterflies with the right one.

All the best,
Jennifer

By Jennifer Mann

 Jennifer Mann, LCSW, is a licensed, clinical psychotherapist and dating and relationship coache working with individuals, couples and families in private practice in Hewlett, New York. To set up an appointment, please call 516.224.7779 and press 2 for Jennifer. To learn more about her services, please visit thenavidaters.com. If you would like to submit a dating or relationship question anonymously, please email [email protected]. You can follow The Navidaters on Facebook and Instagram for dating and relationship advice.