What is the definition of a hypocrite? There are actually many definitions that all circle around the same meaning. Are you a hypocrite because you send your kid to yeshiva and you don’t daven three times a day? Are you a hypocrite because you do daven three times a day but you don’t pay your taxes? Are you a hypocrite because you get drunk most Shabbos afternoons, but punish your kids if they get drunk? What is a true hypocrite? I will tell you.
A true hypocrite is a woman who spends over $40 on popcorn; not your regular run-of-the-mill popcorn, but the gourmet, decadent kind. The kind that comes bathed in caramel, white chocolate, cashews, almonds, milk chocolate, oh, and some actual popcorn. After making this purchase, this same woman also purchases a health-inspiring juice cleanse that is normally $150 for a three-day cleanse, but because of Black Friday is only $90. To review: $40 on really fattening, yummy, life-affirming popcorn and then $90 on 18 healthy, life-changing juices. That is hypocrisy of the very worst kind. Because any way you look at it, it ends badly. You eat the popcorn first and then you do the cleanse; you do the cleanse first and reward yourself with the popcorn; you use the cleanse to wash down the popcorn. I am not seeing any good options here. Hypocrisy eventually catches up with you. Unless, of course, you are really good at lying and then you get away with everything. But that is for another column. Let’s talk about the juice cleanse. There won’t be much about husband #1 in this one so if you want to stop reading, now might be a good time.
I actually did this Jus by Julie three-day cleanse; let’s be honest, it’s a juice FAST. The only thing cleansing about it is how many times you run to the bathroom. When you aren’t doing that, you are pretty much fasting or hallucinating or having delusional thoughts of floating hamburgers WITH the bun. But it means well. Each day you are given six juices and those are your meals for the day. You can drink as much water as you want and eat as much broccoli and celery as you want; you are also allowed to have two egg whites. In any event, let’s be clear about something. There are at least three green juices. Green is a very pretty color. So the positive is that the juice is a pretty color. The other positive is that it has a lot of healthy things in it all juiced together for your drinking enjoyment. The negative is that I was exaggerating when I used the word enjoyment. It is not enjoyable. The first one wasn’t so bad because there was a hint, don’t get excited, just a hint, of pineapple in it. So that one managed to go down and stay down. Though one of my friends who did the cleanse a while ago has fond memories of the green stuff getting stuck in her teeth. That might go under the negative column. Unless you get hungry later and then you can use the stuff stuck in your teeth as another meal (positive).
The juices that aren’t green are also pretty colors. We have spicy lemonade, spicy pomegranate lemonade (which is really delicious), chia berry (which is also really delicious—like drinking a bottle of fresh strawberries, so yummy). Then we have Island Coconut. It isn’t as delicious as it sounds, but it is still better than any of the green ones. Then there was PB&Js, which is, unfortunately what it sounds like. A juice that is supposed to taste like peanut butter and jelly. What can I tell you, peanut butter and jelly tastes like peanut butter and jelly. PB&Js tastes like, “Oh my God why was I born with eating issues and now have to subject myself to this ridiculousness!” That’s what I am saying.
The green juice that calls itself Dr. Green should change its name to Dr. Don’t Do It I Warned You. There is no way around it. My friend drank it by sticking a straw in it and sipping it really slowly over the course of an hour and a half and she was able to get the whole thing down. I drank it by taking a sip, checking that my gag reflex worked and then sticking it back in the freezer and pretending that it wasn’t there.
This is the bottom line kids, so listen closely. Jus by Julie makes an excellent product. If you follow the three-day cleanse, when you are done, you will feel a real sense of accomplishment. You will realize that you don’t have to eat all the time and that a little hunger isn’t going to kill you. You will lose some weight, but I am not promising you that you will feel invigorated and ready to take on the world; I can promise that you will not turn green from those green juices—huge positive right there. Any program you are on, if you have the right mindset and willpower, you can follow it and be successful, that is really what I am saying. But if you want to try Jus by Julie, just let me know and I will hook you up! Here’s to good health!
Banji Ganchrow was not paid or threatened by Jus by Julie to write this column. She did this cleanse three years ago and had a much harder time because she didn’t cheat on popcorners and Goldenberg’s peanut chews when she was on it. Shh, don’t tell anyone!!!!
By Banji Latkin Ganchrow
