Dear Dr. Chani,

As I look forward to entering my second marriage, I am feeling guilty about abandoning my children from my first marriage. My fiancée is very kind and caring to my children, but it seems that this is not enough. My children have become increasingly vocal about their concerns and resentment. What can I do to make everyone get along?

When my wife and I divorced after our youngest child went to college, I felt that I had done everything I could for my children. Although it had been difficult to remain married since my wife has a bitter and difficult personality, I committed myself to staying in my marriage for the sake of my children until I felt that they were ready to live on their own. I had expected my children to forge their own paths in life, appreciating all that I had invested into them. Yet unfortunately, in keeping with today’s generation, my children were not ready to create their own adult independent lives. They preferred to settle down with me into my new home. I have always tried to be the best father I could be so I readily welcomed my three children into my apartment.

The problem is that I wanted to have a new lease on life after my loveless marriage to my first wife. I craved a second marriage with someone who would be kind and nurturing. After a brief year of dating, I found my wonderful fiancée. She is a special person and she cares about me and my children. But my children will not accept the fact that I want to remarry. They each act out negatively in different ways but the common attitude is that I am abandoning them by remarrying.

One of the reasons they probably feel this way is that I have asked them to find another place to live during the week. I told them that I am happy to keep their rooms as is and that they are welcome to come to us every Shabbos, yet I would like them to rent their own places or live with their mother during the week. It is important to me to begin my marriage to my second wife with a feeling of privacy and personal space.

I had hoped that my children would be more understanding of my needs and grateful to me for all that I have done for them up until this point. Yet shockingly, they were extremely angry with me. One of my daughters told me that she feels that I do not care about her anymore. She feels that she is being replaced by my fiancée. My son told me that he does not mind if I remarry but that I have no right to kick him out of his house.

I understand my children’s point of view, but what can I do to start off my marriage right with my second wife? I feel so torn apart by trying to make both my wife and my children happy. I tremendously appreciate your perspective on this. Thank you so much!

Sincerely,
Zack

Dear Zack,

After all that you have been through, you are eager to remarry and you are understandably troubled about your children’s reaction. It sounds like you were hoping that, as emerging adults, your children would recognize how important it is for you to develop a healthy relationship, a stable marriage and a new life for yourself. This is compounded by the fact that you have been living for the sake of your children for a long time, constantly putting their needs before your own. It sounds like you might have been implicitly expecting your children to appreciate your sacrifices and return your favor by being happy for you and giving you the space you need to establish your new marriage.

What can you do to satisfy your own needs to create a new marriage while remaining a supportive and devoted father to your children?

In order to figure out how you can help your children adapt to their new reality, you need to understand what they might be feeling. Let’s explore what might be contributing to your children’s resentment and what you can do about it.

Above all, you described their reaction very succinctly when you said in your letter, “I am feeling guilty about abandoning my children.” It sounds like you are very much attuned to how they might be feeling. Your children have already endured the dissolution of their parents’ first marriage. Even though your children were young adults at the time of your divorce, they might still have experienced trauma from having their nuclear family broken up. In the aftermath of your divorce, it was likely comforting for them to move in with you and to continue feeling like they have a parent to return to and a family home to call their own.

Yet, on the threshold of your remarriage, all of this is about to change. Your children might sense that when you are remarried you will have an allegiance to your wife and that they can no longer rely on you to always “be there” for them. This would be true even if you had kept things the status quo while you welcomed your new wife into your apartment. Yet, your request to them that they “find another place to live during the week” probably exacerbated their feelings of abandonment. This does not mean that anything you are doing is incorrect, it is merely important to observe what your children might feel. One can imagine that it is very difficult for your children to transition from feeling like they have the keys and an open-door policy to be in your home to feeling like guests in a home where they need permission to enter. It makes sense that your children may feel a mix of emotions — fear, resentment and even jealousy.

If this is so, how can you repair your relationships with your children while creating a safe space for you and your new wife to develop your relationship? The first step is to encourage your children to share their feelings with you. Listening to their concerns and complaints is a challenging but necessary way for you to demonstrate to them that you will always “be there for them” and that you care about them. Even if you cannot always solve their problems in a practical way, listening to them, empathizing with them and expressing to them that you can “understand why they feel that way” conveys to them that their feelings are important, and they are important. This can go a long way toward strengthening your relationship with them and supporting them through this major transition.

In your conversations with your children, after your children have felt that you have heard them and understood their feelings, take the time to express your point of view and help your children to see the situation from your perspective. Even if you and your children initially do not agree, having heartfelt, respectful conversations can lead you to develop a shared understanding that can shed light on opportunities for compromise and concessions.

Maybe you can revisit your decision to have them live elsewhere during the week? Take the time to brainstorm ideas with them that will allow you to have your privacy while providing for their emotional needs.

There will be many decisions and changes to be made while blending your children from your first marriage with your marriage to your new wife. Try to include your children in the decision-making process as much as possible. By involving them in the decisions that have to be made, you will show them they matter and they are significant.

Another way to help everyone feel more comfortable with the new arrangement is to create shared experiences. Whether you go out for activities or enjoy dinner at home as a family, having opportunities for your wife and children to get to know one another can build their own relationships and smooth their transition to developing an identity as a blended family. Do not force them. Just create opportunities.

Navigating the process of blending families can be challenging, especially when emotions run high. You will need a lot of patience, empathy and consistent effort to create a family dynamic where everyone feels that they belong and are understanding of each other’s needs. Seek professional advice if necessary to ensure that you are doing your best to strengthen your relationships. As you support your children and hold their hands through this process, assure them that your love for them remains constant even as you build a new life with your new wife.

Wishing you much success,

Chani

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Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your relationship with yourself, your loved ones or others in your life, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.