Dear Dr. Chani,
A shadchan recently sent me to an all-time emotional low by telling me that she doubts that I will ever get married. I hope that she is wrong. What probably made her say that is I have severe dating anxiety.
Ever since I started dating four years ago, I get sick to my stomach before a date. It was really surprising to me that I had dating anxiety because I do not usually consider myself to be an anxious person. I have a great and stable job working in finance. I actively volunteer in my community and I have tons of friends. Yet somehow, when it comes to dating, my body just does not seem to cooperate. The debilitating stomach cramps that I get are so painful that I sometimes have had to end a date early or cancel it right beforehand.
Recently, I dated a guy that I really liked. I had met him casually at an event and was very excited that he was interested in dating me. I was absolutely mortified when in the middle of our first date, I felt so queasy and weak that I asked him to take me home early. He was really sweet and understanding about it, but on our following dates I still felt very anxious and could not act like myself. I kept freezing when he asked me deep questions and could not come up with normal answers. We dated a few times, but eventually he told me that he “does not see it working out.”
I wish that I could just relax on dates and have a good time like everybody else. In all of my four years of dating, I have never gotten to the level of a serious relationship. Do you have any advice for me? I hope that there is something I can do to get rid of this problem.
Thank you in advance,
Lisa
Dear Lisa,
Your difficult experiences with dating anxiety are heartbreaking. It must be so disappointing to go through the process of arranging a date and then have to struggle to get through it. I know it seems like you will never be able to date normally, but there are proven and effective ways for you to manage your anxiety so that you will eventually reach the light at the end of the tunnel.
It might be comforting to know that you are not alone. It is very common for people to experience some level of dating anxiety. Interestingly, I have found what you described; that many people with dating anxiety do not experience intense anxiety or social anxiety in any other context of their lives. So what contributes to dating anxiety? Why is dating anxiety so unique?
On a fundamental level it is normal for you to experience a degree of dating anxiety. Dating is unlike any other relationship. A unique aspect of dating is that there is an expectation that at some future point you might make a commitment to marry one another. When you are dating for marriage you are aware — either acutely or subtly — that you are both judging the person you are dating and that you are being judged to determine if there is long-term potential to your relationship.
In contrast to your dating experience, think about how you develop a friendship. You usually meet a friend because you find yourself in a shared circumstance. Then you gradually get to know one another through conversation and common experiences. You are not expected to make a formal decision about whether you are going to meet again or not. Furthermore, there is no assumption that you need to make a commitment to remain friends forever. It is almost laughable to think about having conversations with a friend while you are developing a friendship to deliberate over whether you plan to remain friends way into the future.
However, when it comes to dating, the unique aspect of an anticipated commitment and the uncertainty about how the person you are dating will perceive you both contribute to a heightened level of anxiety. Anxiety is often related to worrying about the future. A fear of the unknown. People who suffer from dating anxiety experience this to the extreme.
So what can you do to lower your fear of how you will be judged on a date or your worries about having to make a future decision to get married? There are many steps you can take to help you manage your anxiety. Here are some methods that can help you get your anxiety under control.
One of the most effective strategies to reduce anxiety is through deep breathing exercises. Deep breathing fills your body with oxygen that travels to your brain and activates your parasympathetic nervous system. This tells your brain that you are safe and you can let go of your anxiety. Practice deep breathing before each date and even on a date.
Another effective strategy is to take time before a date to visualize yourself having a good time. Imagine yourself sharing things about yourself and discussing common topics such as your family, friends, job or interests. Visualizing yourself talking about these topics ahead of time can reduce your anxiety before and during your dates. In the beginning, you may find that even visualizing yourself on a date makes you feel anxious. Yet as you repeatedly practice visualizing yourself on a date you will be mentally preparing how you will present yourself and allow you to virtually experience yourself being comfortable on a date. This will help you smooth your experience and increase your sense of confidence on an actual date.
When you are on a date, a helpful strategy that can shift your focus away from your anxiety is to deeply focus on enjoying your date. Replace your anxious thoughts by shifting your focus to your physical experience on the date. Be mindful of the sights, sounds, smells, textures and tastes on your date. Allow yourself to experience them with all of your senses. For example, as you take a sip from your drink in a hotel lounge, feel the cool moist condensation on the outside of the smooth glass. Be mindful of the firm, hard floor beneath your feet. Sink your back and arms deeply into the textured cushion of your chair. Take in the scent of your environment.
As you choose to appreciate the little things about your experiences on your date, it can help you draw your mind away from the repetitive anxious thoughts that contribute to your discomfort. Anxious thoughts make you worry about the uncertainty of now and what will happen next or in the future. Being mindful of your sensory experience on your date keeps you grounded in what is happening in the present. When your thoughts are focused on your environment and enjoying your experience, it distracts your mind from getting flooded with anxious thoughts. It is easier to listen to what your date is saying and to think about how you would like to reply. This paves the way to create an emotional connection with your dating partner.
Practicing these strategies can steadily improve your dating experiences. At the same time, since you describe severely debilitating physical symptoms, consider speaking to a therapist who can guide you through the process of managing your anxiety. You might even discuss taking medication to reduce your anxiety, which can allow the other strategies to work more effectively.
Keep in mind that managing your dating anxiety is a process. It may take time for you to feel relaxed before and during a date. By acknowledging what you are going through and committing yourself to working through it, you are well on your way to managing your anxiety, enjoying your dates and creating your ideal relationship.
Wishing you much success,
Chani
NEW — Premarital Education Workshop — Take my fun and interactive three-part series on effective communication, conflict management and more. Build a strong foundation for your marriage!
Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your relationship with yourself, your loved ones or others in your life, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.
