One of the many reasons for the growth of Teaneck as a desirable place to live is its proximity to New York City. For decades before COVID, which resulted in working from home becoming more of the norm, many people in Teaneck took the 167 bus to work in New York every day. Prior to cell phones, people on the bus would read, sleep or converse with each other. I actually made some lifelong friends going to work on that bus.
I remember once sitting next to a friend of my mother-in-law and chatting with her about my kids, my spouse and my job. She told me to cherish this stage, for it was fleeting and would be the best time of my life. I pondered what she said, and my first thought was, “No, this cannot be as good as it gets!” When I was young and my kids were small, I used to dream about getting more rest. Like most parents of young children, I was sleep-deprived, overworked and at times overwhelmed with the responsibilities of taking care of others, serving as an active member of the community, trying to advance my career and being a caring spouse, all while financially and emotionally helping to support my growing family. I was sure this woman was mistaken; she just did not remember how demanding it is to be a young adult and have so many responsibilities.
Her words come back to me now, at this point in my life. My kids are grown, and some of them are married and have families of their own. In considering the last three decades or so, I have to wonder: Were the early days of marriage and parenting babies the best of times? Was it better when the kids were a little older but still living at home, when everyone slept through the night and we spent our time carpooling and going to school events? What about when one by one, they matured, became capable of intriguing and enlightening conversation, and then moved out of their childhood bedrooms and eventually out of our home? Which was indeed the best of times?
The research shows that both Western and Eastern societies generally place more value on youth than on old age. There appears to be a fear of aging in our society that causes people to experience a sense of negativity about it. All of us have our own identity and self-perception; we see ourselves in a certain way, usually deeply connected to our role as parents and/or as our professional selves, our jobs.
Having had children, you always remain a parent; your specific role changes as you age; and your children become adults. So if your identity was tied to your being a parent, how do you see yourself? Typically, our professional lives change as we get older. We are no longer sought after by employees or headhunters the same way, if at all. Jobs that we have had securely for decades may become tenuous, as younger people enter the job market. If your identity was tied to your employment, how do you see yourself?
During the natural aging process, our bodies also change and because of that, we can develop some aches and pains. If your identity was tied to your physical self, for example, if you were a runner and now you can no longer run due to knee pain, how do you see yourself?
According to socioemotional selectivity theory, our goals change through life. Younger people tend to focus on long-term goals, building resources, making social connections and accumulating money. Older people tend to focus more on shorter-term goals, taking pride in accomplishments, relishing private time and enjoying the moment.
I now think that my mother-in-law’s friend was wrong: That was not the best of times, as all stages can be the best of times if approached properly.
If we want to be happy as we age, we need to adjust our expectations and embrace our new roles and our new bodies! Most older people have at least a little more time to take care of themselves and doing so is not a luxury, it is a necessity. Eating healthy food is not something we do just in order to look good in a new dress or suit. We need to eat well so we can feel well. Exercise must be a priority, a key part of daily life. Sarcopenia (muscle loss) starts in our 30s and we lose between 3% to 7% per decade. But we can build muscle even as we age by eating the right foods and through strength training.
I have learned from older individuals that they have more potential, as noted, to focus on the moment, looking for satisfaction in the here and now, and prioritize more immediate goals. They have a lifetime of experience behind them dealing with life’s ups and downs and may thus be better at maximizing happiness, because the wisdom that comes with age adjusts expectations.
If we can embrace each stage of life, embrace our new identities as they develop, spend time with people that we care about, and take time to care for ourselves, then we’ll realize that the best time has arrived, but is still yet to come!
Beth S. (Bassie) Taubes, RN, CHC, CYT, is the owner of Wellness Motivations LLC. She motivates clients of all backgrounds, ages and health conditions to engage in improved self-care through nutritional counseling, personal fitness training, yoga practice, breath training tai chi and stress-reduction techniques. She is also the rebbetzin of Congregation Zichron Mordechai in Teaneck. She can be reached at [email protected], www.wellnessmotivationsbt.com
