My parents were fortunate to escape with their lives. They were Jewish minorities in Iraq during the late 1960s. This certainly had its own set of challenges. But by the 1970s, the Iraqi public was highly influenced by the addictive ideology of the Ba’ath Party, who persecuted Jews as the enemy of the state.

Everything was taken from Jews—their valuables, dignity and position in society. They faced the horrors of a state controlled by the dogma of a victim ideology. The Ba’ath Party, under the leadership of Saddam Hussein, convinced the Arabs that made up 90% of the population they were being victimized by the 1% of the population who was Jewish. This empowered the Ba’ath government to take everything from the Jews that they had built.

In the beginning they took away their right to protest, their right to free speech. Then they took away their credit, then their property, businesses, and their ability to make a living. And then the government denied Jews passports to leave Iraq, and eventually their family members were harassed, publicly ostracized, abducted, jailed, tortured and killed.

My father escaped through the Qandil Mountains into Iran. In the middle of the night the Kurds smuggled him through an extremely rugged and dangerous mountainous area called the Zagros mountain range, which is difficult to cross. Both of my parents left their ancestral homeland empty-handed. They left behind their family farms and inheritance, their property, and even the family members who had disappeared into Saddam’s torture chambers.

All they had left was their free will and the determination to persevere. They had the ability to decide for themselves if, like their oppressors, they would gain a victim mindset and harbor resentment and fear. But they decided long ago they were not victims, they were survivors with a purpose.

As I raise my 2-year-old daughter, I cannot help but think about how she inherits this multigenerational trauma. While there is loss, pain, grief and trauma, there is also strength, power, values, honor and integrity. There is strength in surviving trauma, which becomes embedded in identity. There is profound meaning and life purpose that becomes part of my family’s inherited legacy. In this is a sacred gift.

As a psychologist and a 40-year-old woman, I have thought deeply about how I would raise my daughter. While I have read a lot of parenting advice, having a toddler is itself filled with life lessons. More importantly, she has given me a greater degree of humility. I have a much greater respect for the challenges of being a parent and for my parents’ sacrifices and their unconditional love for me.

Certainly every child is different, and what we do with one child may not work with another. Everything we do to raise a child ends up being part of a 30-year experiment. We won’t know for sure if our approach really worked until they are adults.

But there are a few things that I’m certain of. One is the importance of how we frame ourselves as parents. The second is gratitude. And the third is the importance of giving children a chance to experience life through discovery, even at a young age, with as little interference as possible from the parent.

How we frame ourselves matters. Children mirror and model after us. If we see ourselves as a victim, it can play out as a lack of confidence, or it can go the other way, and make one more violent and less tolerant. We have free will. If ever there is an important time to change out of a victim mindset, it’s when you have children. Multigenerational trauma does not have to be a shameful secret, nor does it have to be negative. We play a role in choosing how we allow trauma to affect us. If we see ourselves as victims, this will influence how our children view themselves.

Second, it is important we show gratitude around our children. Gratitude for those who came before us, with the stories we tell them. Gratitude for where we are, and who we are. Gratitude for them, our children. My parents were always grateful for emigrating to America and the freedoms, liberties and opportunities that came from working hard. I aspire to transmit this optimistic perspective to my daughter as she is the grandchild of courageous survivors.

From gratitude comes joy, which is an important emotion for your children to mirror. If you are joyful, they will enjoy their time more with you. They will want to be with you. They will seek you out, not just when they are 2, but throughout their lifetime, hopefully.

Lastly, giving your child space for discovery of their world and themselves is crucial.

I have provided therapy to people who viewed their child as an extension of their own success. What school they went to, their grades, the sports they played, the clothes they wore were all a statement the parent took personal pride in. Simultaneously, their child would demand the right to be who they wanted to be. The parent might become not only disappointed, but embarrassed or ashamed of them. This dynamic creates all kinds of problems because it says to the child they are never enough or worthy of acceptance.

The big idea is that we want our children to have a great sense of who they are, to discover their own purpose and meaning. To know they are part of something so much greater than themselves. And with that comes great responsibility, duty of service, courage and honor.

Dr. Emily Bashah is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of “Addictive Ideologies: Finding Meaning and Agency When Politics Fail You.”