As we approach the Yamim Noraim, the days of awe, there are a lot of powerful and intense feelings that may arise. This is a time that can bring up a lot of fear, anxiety or stress, particularly as we reflect on the past year with the State of Israel, antisemitism and uncertainty in our lives and in the world. As a clinical psychologist, I am privy to the experience of this time as a significant mental health trigger. Many Orthodox Jews have grown up with certain messages that promote intense fear and even panic around these times. Individuals prone to any kind of obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety, depression or a history of trauma, often find these few weeks as trigger points for deep amounts of panic, depression, pain and self-criticism. I would like to offer a perspective that these days can be reclaimed from this time of overwhelming stress and anxiety to times of deep reflection, meaning, and even elevation.
Many people are familiar with Maimonides’ position that we should see ourselves in the position of the “beinoni,” who has an equal number of sins and merits. This way it encourages us to do many pious deeds to support ourselves being inscribed in the book of life. While there is something simple and powerful, and concrete about this formulation, it can certainly trigger someone with a history of OCD or anxiety into a spiral of pressure, stress, anxiety and self-criticism. For example, someone may think, “At each moment I do a good deed, I worry that it’s still not enough. What if now I am at the beinoni level and I must keep doing more and more?” Similarly, someone who is prone to depression may go into a dark self-critical spiral of learned helplessness, “What is the point? I am a terrible person anyway, and no matter what I do I am helpless to find a place of hope and righteousness.” Trying to protect from the possibility of triggering a mental health crisis during this time, we may want to take a different approach to support a position of empowerment, self-efficacy and agency.
At the other extreme are those who treat this day as another holiday with technical halachot to be practiced, but without inherent spirituality or meaning. These individuals may go through the rituals of the day or even the halachic requirements without feeling the resonance of the holidays. It’s just another day that can feel boring or long. For those it is about “just getting through the day.” This group may choose to dissociate from the intense feelings of the time by simply cutting off all pathways of meaning.
It appears there are two opposing positions that people may gravitate toward. In one extreme, the days of awe become days of panic and anxiety, and at the other extreme, the days of awe become days of disconnection. To put it in simple terms, “I feel too much and I am overwhelmed” or “I feel nothing and empty.”
I would like to suggest a third option: to treat these holidays as they are presented to us by the rabbis as days of awe, without catapulting ourselves into a space of frenzy and emotional chaos, or leaving the day as sterile and bland—or as I like to say, to find a space between these two opposing options. This space between is a space of feeling and connecting in a way that feels internally meaningful, emotional, spiritual, intentional and connected.
When the prophet Eliyahu yearns for a deep, connected experience with God, it is experienced as a “kol dmama daka,” a “still small voice.” Can we fill our personal spiritual space with allowing ourselves to be open to the possibility of whatever our own personal spiritual experience can be in whatever form it appears? Let me explain. During Rosh Hashanah there are so many opportunities to find your connection with God. Davening, songs, shofar, new fruits, new beginnings, family, friends. The goal is to find small ways of connecting in personally meaningful ways to the holiday. Rather than putting the pressure on ourselves to get it right, allowing ourselves the pace to wait for the experience of “kol dmama daka” in whatever form it takes. It may be strong and powerful or small and subtle. It may take up one moment in time, or it may come and go. It may be an experience of the mind, or an experience of the body. It may be an experience of the heart, or one of the soul. It may be tied to the tefillah or a random other moment in time.
Perhaps if we look at the different prayers, songs and symbols for these upcoming holidays, we can find the one or many that personally speaks to our individual experience of godliness and spirituality. This year, let’s open up the space to whatever comes to us: feelings, thoughts, ideas, agency, with a fluidity and receptivity to changing and flowing states, and a self with nuance and complexity. Shana Tova!
Dr. Sandler is a psychologist with a practice in Teaneck. She can be reached via her website at https://www.reflectiontherapygroup.com/.
