I know that we just began the new year. Clean slate, happy thoughts, be good to others, always have a smile and give people the benefit of the doubt, yada yada yada. I can only be so kind and so patient for so long and there are just so many, many things that annoy me. Let us begin with the huge balloons that spell out a kid’s name at a bar or bat mitzvah. We know your name; if we didn’t know your name, we shouldn’t be at the party! Why do we need to see your name in giant gold or silver balloons? So we spell it correctly on the check? That is what the invitation is for. It just aggravates me, don’t know why.

Then we have people who cannot drive. Hey lady in the SUV who can’t see over the windshield, the white dotted line in the middle of the road means that there are two lanes, not one lane; two lanes. I should be able to drive in the lane next to you. And the big white sign with the black numbers on it, those numbers tell you how fast you should be going, oh wait, you are texting and driving, maybe that is why you didn’t see the dotted white line or the speed limit…or the police car that I hope pulls you over and gives you a nice, juicy ticket.

People who talk on their cell phones when they are on line in the supermarket. Really? If it is an emergency, it’s one thing; if it is your kid calling from abroad, that is still acceptable. But other than that, I do not care that your Pilates class got canceled and that your cleaning lady locked you out of your house, or that your husband is away on business again and you are ovulating–and neither does the poor checkout person who probably makes minimum wage. Give that person the courtesy of saying hello, engaging in light conversation, and thank them for helping you. In addition, in this day and age with those Bluetooth contraptions, of which I have no concept because of my grandma flippy phone, bless her heart, you sometimes think the people are talking to you because they aren’t actually holding a phone, so you think they are either (a) yelling at you for not knowing what type of kasha to buy or (b) talking to themselves in the middle of the aisle and you question whether or not you should be calling an ambulance. Ah, modern technology. Just get off the phone and save it for when you aren’t in contact with another human being.

This now brings me to Facebook. Yes, I know there are many rabbis who think it is a terrible thing, the beginning of the end of humanity–though I firmly maintain it is not as bad as Mikvagate 2014–and there are many nuances about it that make my blood boil. Again, I know that this is right after the new year, my new attitude towards being tolerant and kind to others, and again, yada yada yada.

I am so happy that you were able to go to Florida/Israel/Italy/Switzerland/Hawaii for the holidays. More power to you, I am hoping that husband #2 will be able to take me on those trips as well, but must you make the other half feel inadequate with your numerous photos and clever captions? Really?? And after going on these fabulous vacations with your fabulous families and posting pictures of your fabulous feet on all of the fabulous beaches, is it really necessary to post how unhappy you are that your flight got delayed in yet another exotic location? Boo freakin’ hoo, my facebook friend…let me bring out my violin.

Bitter am I? No. My dad always taught me to be happy and appreciate what I have because there are always people who have less, but when after coming home from said vacation you post about looking for another destination spot, now that, for me, is the straw that breaks this very chubby camel’s back. Have any of you heard of the Internet? If you want to find out about amazing destinations, there are entire websites out there for you. You don’t need to let everyone know your plans! Yes, everyone has something and no one has everything. Yes, I would never want to trade my stuff for someone else’s (especially after all of the complaining I do about my stuff…no one would want it even if I were giving it away!). But why don’t you vacationers recover from your jetlag (which you also complain about, wait, gotta’ get my violin out again…) take a few days and then start planning more fabulousness! Give us all some time to recover from the last vacation before we have to gear up to see how much fun you have on your next vacation…in good health and happiness. See, some of that new year’s stuff rubbed off on me after all. But now I have to go run a Cadillac Escalade off the road because this person does not know what they are doing….

Banji Ganchrow is a self-proclaimed writer whose favorite song, not surprisingly, is Angry Young Man by Billy Joel (a concert she is still waiting to go to). She will try to be more positive next week. Please don’t be offended.

By Banji Latkin Ganchrow