We are fortunate to be living in a community where mitzvot are an everyday occurrence. We all try to do as many good deeds as we can, and this is obvious when we look around and see all of the wonderful organizations in our community doing so much good. Saying brachot, dressing in a tzniut fashion and more are things that many of us do without batting an eyelash. For most, kibud av v’em comes naturally, even when we sometimes feel challenged by that commandment. Almost none of us would think of stealing or cheating. Yet lately we have found that there is a category of mitzvot that we are losing our incentive to partake in.
What could be better than finding a shidduch for someone? We believe that all shidduchim are made by Hashem and that we are working as His agents in order to expedite matters. But as evident as the horrible “shidduch crisis” is to all of us, we find ourselves in many cases with our hands tied in trying to make suggestions or arrange actual meetings. Recently we have had some unnerving and what we thought were ridiculous refusals for possible shidduchim that were never given the chance. We are already accustomed to the nonsense of young girls who will not consider outstanding young men because they are students at Yeshiva University. We all know the outrageous stories that are circulating about the type of tablecloths parents cover their tables with on Shabbat, or whether or not the boy only wears white shirts; however, this has spread even to the non-Yeshivish world.
What jolts us even more are the unfortunate number of “older” singles who are just as particular and even more demanding than their younger competitors. We were asked if we knew someone for a man who is turning 50 shortly. We met him and thought he was lovely. It was our error that we did not go directly to him but instead spoke with the person who was interested in making a shidduch for him. Upon suggesting a young woman, we were asked to send them (not him) her resume. We asked the intermediary whether a 40-year-old woman and an almost 50-year-old man need to read resumes. Were they supposed to write about their camp friends, their high school and elementary educations? We thought the person was joking. Indeed not. Embarrassed as we were, we requested a resume from the young lady. Unfortunately, the resume never reached the eyes of the young man. His good friends decided from reading it that because the lady said that she would be happy to cover her hair or not, she was obviously not religious enough for him. We asked if maybe he would reconsider when he was about to turn 60.
Are we all losing our minds over these situations? Try to fix up a single and you need to work at it night and day. Apparently, major dating sites are sponsoring days of encouragement for those who are signed up to be shadchanim. The amount of burnout is high because it seems to be a no-win situation. The older Modern Orthodox female single no longer needs a man to support her. It is known that on the Upper West Side and in many other communities to which singles tend to gravitate they meet to have Shabbat meals together, attend lectures together, laugh and enjoy each other’s company but find too many other reasons why the members of the opposite sex who are present are not the right “one” for them.
Maybe Dr. Abraham Twerski had the right idea when he told us how he met his wife. His parents told him that he was getting married. They had a l’chaim or a vort (we are never sure of the protocol), and through the mechitza from one room to the other his father pointed to show him who his chosen bashert was. This was done in order for him to see her, as the halacha insists that a man see who he is going to marry before he meets her under the chuppah. The next time he saw her was under the chuppah. They shared many beautiful, fulfilling years together until she unfortunately passed away.
We know there are those who are living this parsha in extreme pain and we have tried to be understanding time and time again. Is there not a better way for this to work? We are perplexed and disturbed that whatever effort we make seems to be unacceptable. Keep in mind that we are primarily writing about the older singles whose biological clocks are passing them by. It is a crisis of great proportion and we wish to help.
By Rabbi Mordechai and Nina Glick
Rabbi Mordechai and Nina Glick are living in Bergenfield after many years of service to the Montreal Jewish community. Rabbi Glick was the rav of Congregation Ahavat Yisroel as well as a practicing clinical psychologist in private practice. He also taught at Champlain Regional College. The Glicks were frequent speakers at the OU marriage retreats. Nina coordinated all Yachad activities in Montreal and was a co/founder of Maison Shalom, a group home for young adults with special needs. They can be reached at [email protected].
