The above phrase is said each evening at 10 p.m. on one of the television stations. It is sponsored by the furniture company Raymour and Flanigan. We realized the necessity of the message but never really felt it would apply to the Jewish community we live in. Recently, the many conversations back and forth with regard to how and why our children are becoming involved in activities we never before thought possible awakened us to the reality that things are no different from what they were years ago. Today, people are more anxious to discuss and face issues that in the past were swept under the carpet. There were always kids who engaged in behaviors that were questionable. Over the years, drinking in particular was a behavior that was well-known in many circles of young people. Afraid to face consequences, parents in many situations turned their heads and hoped that whatever their children were participating in would be outgrown. In most cases, they were.
What really riles us up is the natural phenomenon of blaming the schools our children attend for not dealing with unsavory behavior. The policy of blaming the school does not begin when children are teens. In our minds, we have noticed it beginning as early as kindergarten. A child is not playing cooperatively in a group—“Oh, the teacher cannot handle them.” “Why is it that our children in grade one or even grade four are not benching properly each day? Obviously, the school is not putting enough emphasis on benching.” Everyone is learning a certain amount of math in grade four and our child is far behind—“The school has not even tried to give him special attention.” And as the children get older, parents might question the mode of dress their children are choosing. They obviously are not able to instill their wishes as the school never preaches what a proper dress code should be (out of school). For the boys who are not interested in getting up in the morning for minyan when there is no school, parents are heard to say that if the school would be more strict about davening this would never happen.
Where exactly are we going with this? At some point, we as parents need to take some responsibility for the actions of our children. We do believe that in the case of kids who have decided to experiment with drugs it is almost certainly not because of the fact that they have seen their parents do this in the home. Yet it seems to be so easy to turn off our minds and eyes from noticing or even considering that these indiscretions could happen to our own children. Are we really noticing their actions? A friend told us of the day she was cleaning her son’s room when he was away for two weeks, She could not believe that when she looked behind the bookcase in his room there were tons of beer cans. This happened in her very own home under her very “watchful” eye. Sometimes we tend to not want to see things that are going on right in front of us. They are too frightening and oftentimes our children are able to do things they intentionally make every effort to hide from us. It is too painful to deal with but it has become a necessity for all of us to beware of.
All communities need to support each other and work together as a unit, parents and schools, to educate and tolerate. It is up to each individual family to deal with and punish their children forcefully and with love in order for them to learn that their actions have consequences. By turning our heads away we are in a soft manner sanctioning behaviors that can cause great harm in the future. The lessons we teach our children now, as kind, loving disciplinarians, should hopefully stay with them for their entire lives. No one should be concerned that they will lose the friendship of their children. We are not meant to be their best friends. We are meant to love them unconditionally by guiding them and, if necessary, sharply condemning their behavior while constructively implementing a proper form of punishment. No one ever said that parenting is an easy job. In many cases we are spending more time “on the job” than actually doing the most demanding work of all—stepping back and looking at our children. It is possible that some of us really don’t know what they are thinking and what their minds are contemplating. The recent events in the local community should be a wakeup call to all of us to step back and ask ourselves whether we really know “where our children are.”
By Rabbi Mordechai and Nina Glick
Rabbi Mordechai and Nina Glick are living in Bergenfield after many years of service to the Montreal Jewish community. Rabbi Glick was the rav of Congregation Ahavat Yisroel as well as a practicing clinical psychologist in private practice. He also taught at Champlain Regional College. The Glicks were frequent speakers at the OU marriage retreats. Nina coordinated all Yachad activities in Montreal and was a co/founder of Maison Shalom, a group home for young adults with special needs. They can be reached at [email protected].
