How come you rarely hear people say, “I know I shouldn’t eat this or do this, but I’m going to do it anyhow.” Cognitive dissonance (having two very different beliefs about something at the same time) sets in and the rationalization process begins. “I only eat dairy treif. I only eat dairy treif that is cold. It’s not like we’re eating treif meat.” Of course, this can branch out to virtually all sectors of Judaism. “I may not put in tefillin or daven three times a day or make brachas, but I give a lot of charity and support Israel.”
As my pal Andy always says, “Your excuses are your own.”
And so, rather than look ourselves in the mirror and say that what we are doing is wrong and doing it anyway, instead, we rationalize our behavior.
This is an old trick utilized by our good friend sporting the top hat and cane, Mr. Evil Inclination. Clearly our brains understand that texting on Shabbat or turning off a light is halachically wrong. To fix that feeling of unease, we immediately utilize our bag of tricks with excuses such as, “I need to have menucha so I can have a restful Shabbat.” I once had a guy tell me he must answer his texts on Shabbat or else his business will fall apart. I explained to him that one of the many reasons we keep Shabbat, aside from the fact that God commanded us to, is to show our faith in him. This was illustrated by the mon, which was forbidden from taking on Shabbat, with Hashem allowing two portions to be taken on Friday, establishing trust in Him. Shabbat reinforces this.
The midrash tells us clearly that the first time you do it it’s a sin, the second time it’s not so bad and the third time, it’s a mitzvah.
I lived my life that way for many years taking an “Orthodox light” approach to Judaism. I never broke the Sabbath, and I put on my tefillin for the obligatory five minutes a day. I was going through the motions yet not really practicing Judaism in the way that I believe God wants
us-with true sincerity.
I would go out to restaurants and ignore the fact that my eggs or pancakes were made on the same grill as the bacon and sausage. Rather, I chose to focus on the fact that I was only eating eggs while my friends were eating real treif. I’m pretty sure at the time I felt like a pretty religious guy. How ridiculous is that?
In retrospect, I’m grateful that my grandmother of blessed memory told me to look in the mirror and stop playing games.
“Avila, who are you kidding? Everything about those eggs isn’t kosher.”
In time I realized that the rebuke from my grandmother was the greatest gift I could’ve ever received. It forced me to forever try and be honest about my observance.
And even though I fell short in other areas, I still acknowledged that I was wrong. I didn’t give up on other mitzvahs as many of us do, utilizing the age old “I’m an all-or-nothing kind of guy. And besides, I’m just not feeling it.” Just another ploy from the guy with the fancy cane and top hat!
When it gets down to it, we have got to be honest with ourselves if we ever expect to develop a meaningful relationship with Hashem.
Many years ago, my father had the opportunity to hear Prime Minister Menachem Begin give a speech where he was soliciting funds for the State of Israel. fter everyone made their pledges he told the crowd, “Tomorrow morning when you look in the mirror, you’re going to have to look into your eyes and ask yourself if you did everything to help our brothers in Israel, to the point where it actually hurts.” With that, people doubled their efforts.
Today many frum Modern Orthodox Jews heed the call of Torah Judaism and do Judaism proud. I was zoche to have my holy Bubby set me straight on the path of trying to be honest with myself. This is a critical component in reaching higher levels, as opposed to remaining stagnant in a sea of justifications, with one intended goal: to eat those darn pancakes!
Avi Ciment lives in Florida and is a longtime columnist for The Jewish Press. He lectures throughout the world and has just finished his second book, “Real Questions Real Answers.” He can be reached at www.AviTalks.com.
