Dear Penina,
I’m feeling very frustrated with my husband. Almost every time we spend time together, he’s on his phone, playing games or scrolling through WhatsApp. When I try to share my thoughts, feelings and experiences with him, he’s often distracted, nodding or responding with one word answers. It feels like I’m competing with his phone for his attention, and it’s really taking a toll on our relationship. I’ve mentioned it to him before, but he just shrugs it off, saying that I am on my phone as much as him. I want to address this issue in a way that will make him understand how hurtful and frustrating it is for me. How can I effectively share my feelings with him so that he will hear and understand me?
Signed,
Ignored
Dear Ignored,
The issue that you are bringing up is quite prevalent. I still remember a comment from years ago when a client said to me, “I need a rabbi to do a wedding between my husband and his phone.” Phones are a blessing and a curse. They are a huge distraction and can even be an addiction for many and they do get in the way of emotional presence and connection. I always say (aside from the urgent need of a family member on the phone) that the people in front of you are a priority over the people on your phone. I strongly recommend implementing a “phone-free zone” in your relationship each evening. Set aside 30-60 minutes where both of you commit to putting phones away completely—perhaps during dinner or before bed. This dedicated time creates space for genuine conversation, eye contact and emotional presence that technology often interrupts. Start small if needed—even 15 minutes can make a difference—but protect this time as sacred.
I understand why this is difficult to bring up with your spouse again when it sounds like he wasn’t receptive in the past. However, if this is weighing on your heart, it’s important to address. You want to share your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a way that fosters validation and understanding between you.
Keep these ideas in mind:
1) Speak for yourself and not your partner. 2) Share your own experience, identifying difficult emotions. 3) Share complaints without attacking. 4) Manage escalating emotions.
Here are a few examples:
1) It’s hard for me when _____.
2) I am really struggling with ______.
3) I need your help navigating this issue…
You don’t want him to feel criticized because if he does, he may withdraw or defend and then you will feel worse because your feelings will be dismissed. Try to share your more vulnerable feelings (i.e hurt, and sadness) rather than anger and contempt which can hurt him instead of having him hear you.
Remember, at its core, this conversation isn’t about the phone—it’s about your desire for deeper connection and presence with your spouse. Frame it as an invitation to greater closeness rather than criticism of a habit. The fact that you’re seeking advice shows your commitment to nurturing your relationship. Take a gentle approach, but don’t let that diminish how important this is to you. Your feelings are valid, and healthy marriages thrive when both partners can express their needs openly.
