By Zachary Greenberg
Netflix’s latest hit series, “Jewish Matchmaking,” resonates close to home for a lot of members in our community, many of whom date using a shadchan (matchmaker). The Netflix series takes a contemporary approach to the matchmaking game (in fact, the show’s Hebrew title, שדכנות מודרנית, literally translates to “Modern Matchmaking”) by featuring mostly non-observant Jews who, without the show, would likely never have considered being set up through a matchmaker.
While the majority of couples on “Jewish Matchmaking” do not consider themselves Orthodox, with the exception of one yeshivish couple and a few Jews who identify as traditional, the show’s central figure, the energetic matchmaker Aleeza Ben Shalom, has been practicing as a religious matchmaker for many years. She has successfully facilitated the marriage of hundreds of couples and provided guidance to thousands more. Recently, at the W Hoboken hotel, hosted by the Chabad Young Professionals of Hoboken & Jersey City, Aleeza ran a matchmaking event of the ages, which my wife Ahuva and I attended.
In my head, I never associated the word “matchmaker” with something cool or modern. I more thought of the song “Matchmaker, Matchmaker” from “Fiddler on the Roof” and pictured a matchmaker as old-fashioned and not with the times. However, as I got older and into the dating scene, my picture did gradually shift as I realized that anyone can be a matchmaker, even young adults. In fact, for the past year, Ahuva has been volunteering as a matchmaker on YUConnects. But still, even with my grown appreciation and understanding of what matchmakers really are, I never pictured matchmakers as “cool” or individuals sought out by non-religious Jews for dating purposes.
That was until I watched “Jewish Matchmaking,” and Aleeza completely flipped all my preconceived notions of matchmaking upside down. As soon as I heard that the show was coming out, I wanted to watch it with my wife because we often have hours-long conversations about dating and matchmaking. But we hadn’t gotten around to it until I read the article in The Jewish Link saying that the one-and-only Aleeza would be running a live event in person right here in New Jersey. Ahuva and I signed up right away, and as preparation, we binge-watched the entire show in a week. (It’s only eight episodes, each around 30 minutes long, so it wasn’t too crazy.) I really enjoyed the show, mostly because of Aleeza’s insights and energy. If you’re interested in watching the show, I would give a disclaimer that the first three episodes are very modern and a bit inappropriate. If you don’t want to view that, I would suggest starting from episode 4 and skipping any scenes that make you uncomfortable.
On the drive to the event, Ahuva and I passed Hoboken Waterfront Walkway, which offers spectacular views of the New York skyline and the Hudson River. (I highly recommend visiting this park if you’ve never been to Hoboken before; I’ve gone twice and it’s stunning.) We parked our car in a lot across the street from the hotel and huddled under our umbrellas to protect ourselves from the pouring rain.
Once inside, we stepped into a stunning hotel lobby adorned with elegant lights hanging from the ceiling, a large gray metal portrait of Manhattan skyscrapers adorning the wall, and comfortable chairs and couches arranged for seating. A friendly doorman warmly welcomed us and directed us to the event area, which was accessible via a black staircase adorned with white dots reminiscent of the night sky. On the second floor, a table had been set up where Rabbi Shmully Levitin, the director of the Chabad, and his wife greeted guests and sold copies of Aleeza’s book “Get Real Get Married.” Ahuva and I checked in at the table and got our own book. Afterward, we proceeded to the coat room, where we caught a glimpse of Aleeza herself preparing for the show in a private corner. We didn’t want to disturb her, but the sight filled us with excitement. Finally, we made our way to the Great Room, where the event took place.
The Great Room was arranged in a talk-show format. Front and center were two long black couches with a purple and blue synagogue background, which was a replica of the background Aleeza used throughout the Netflix show. Across the room, rows of chairs were set up, each adorned with a goody bag. Ahuva and I chose seats on the left side near the front. Excitedly, I opened my goody bag and discovered a delightful assortment of treats, including chocolate-drizzled popcorn, Razzle gum and a water bottle—YUM! After a few minutes, Rabbi Levitin got up on stage and encouraged the guests to get involved with Chabad and attend more events. He then introduced Aleeza, who received a resounding ovation.
To start, Aleeza asked who in the audience had seen the show on Netflix. Most of the crowd raised their hands, but she half-joked that everyone who hadn’t seen it should watch it, and if you have seen it, watch it again because the viewership needs to go up to make a second season possible. Aleeza then broke down the order of the event: First, she would give an introduction of herself and tell her story, then there would be a Q&A session, and finally, she would call up a few singles to do live matchmaking.
Growing up, Aleeza described herself to be Jew-“ish,” meaning she had to marry a fellow Jew, celebrated some holidays, and ate Chinese food on Christmas, but the big nos were being Orthodox and moving to Israel. At her parents’ behest, she attended college. She was unsure of her purpose in life, so she majored in interdisciplinary studies, which she said was the most basic and generic major possible. During a weekend in Orlando with a friend, she discovered a profound connection to Shabbat and began observing it. At one point her brother, who as a math guy tested Aleeza’s love for Shabbat by asking how is 5 times 5 related to Shabbat, and without missing a beat Aleeza replied “5×5 = 25, and 2+5 = 7, which is Shabbat!
Slowly but surely, Aleeza took on one mitzvah at a time. She began by saying the Shema prayer in the morning and evening. As time went on, she decided to dress modestly, which she said was actually easier because it allowed her not to worry about fashion as much. Since she was already vegan, she decided to keep kosher as well. The only big difference was checking for bugs in produce and removing non-kosher snacks. When she began dating, she identified as not religious, but the men she went out with would say, “You’re not for me. You’re Orthodox.” At first, she didn’t believe it since she had grown up believing that Orthodox was a “no-no.” She thought she had just been doing mitzvot without any change in labels. Eventually, Aleeza decided to embrace being observant, found her spouse, got married and had two children.
In 2008, with the economy reeling, Aleeza’s husband asked her to get a job. Aleeza, who had been volunteering as a matchmaker, decided to open up her own matchmaking and dating coach business. Over the years, she continued to be a premier shadchan while also writing for Aish.com, which reached thousands of Jews. She also wrote her book, “Get Real Get Married,” which spread her reach even further. In addition, Aleeza starred in the season 1 finale of the Jewish sitcom “Soon by You.”
Following the success of its series “Indian Matchmaking,” Netflix aimed to create a Jewish matchmaking show and sought a charismatic host. Their search led them to Laurie Young, a shadchan based in Seattle. While Laurie declined the offer, she recommended Aleeza.
Laurie then reached out to Aleeza, informing her that a production company would soon contact her regarding a TV show and urging her to answer the call. Aleeza heeded the advice, landed the role, and at last, realized her life’s calling: to be a TV star matchmaker on Netflix! The timing of all of this was a bit inconvenient since it was one year after Aleeza and her family had moved to Israel, and she needed to spend the whole summer of 2022 traveling all over the globe to film for the show.
With her story finished, Aleeza took a seat on the couch, and Shayna, an audience member from Australia, joined her for a TV-style interview. Shayna posed several questions, including whether Aleeza had any concerns prior to joining the show and if she had any dating advice to share.
Aleeza revealed that she initially had reservations about maintaining observance of Shabbat and kashrut. However, Netflix had a religious producer on their staff who made sure she was provided with a suitcase containing kosher pots and pans and ensured that no filming occurred on Shabbat. Also, a rabbi screened all of the candidates for the show to confirm that they were truly Jewish. As far as advice, Aleeza recommended trying to be shomer negiah (literally, guarding touch) for a minimum of five dates. She said that relationships blossom and have strong clarity and connection when physicality does not interfere. Once the sixth date comes around, the people will know for certain whether they actually like each other, since most people would never go six dates without touching. Aleeza added that Judaism often emphasizes the importance of disconnecting to reconnect, like the meaning behind Shabbat.
The third section of the event was also the most interactive: live matchmaking! Aleeza called up three women who sat on the two couches. Aleeza first explained the three roles of a successful matchmaker:
Job #1—Introducer—Need to make a match.
Job #2—Mentor—Be a coach and guide for the couple.
Job #3—Closer—Someone needs to break them up or get them to the chuppah at a certain point.
Aleeza said that we, the audience, would be asking the contestants questions until we were confident in offering them a suitable date suggestion. She explained the three stages of questions we should ask individuals to gain a deeper understanding of their compatibility for a potential match:
- Cover the “Weather”
The two singles introduced themselves with generic info about their age, job, and where they were living. Audience members asked questions such as how much TV they watch and what their hobbies were.
- Specific Is Terrific
Which meant no “yes-or-no” questions. All questions were needed to allow the contestants the space to offer insights into who they are and provide concrete answers. For example, an audience member asked, “How many kids do you want, and by when, ideally? I asked, “Where do you see yourself living long-term?” If they didn’t have an answer, they could opt to pass and move on.
- Fixed or Flexed
These were the hardest questions on where the hard lines were drawn. For instance, Aleeza posed a height-related query to one contestant, asking about their preferred range—maximum or minimum. The contestant nonchalantly replied, “I don’t really care.” The matchmaker continued probing, suggesting different time frames for engagement after dating. The contestant appeared shocked when Aleeza proposed a one-month timeline and firmly responded with “No way.” Aleeza persisted, asking about two months, three months, and so on until the contestant reluctantly admitted that six months would be the fastest. Aleeza then turned the focus to the longest duration someone would date without a proposal. The contestant didn’t seem to know, so again Aleeza proposed various time frames—eight months, a year, 18 months, and eventually two years. The contestant’s grimace at the two-year mark led Aleeza to conclude, “Two years is the answer for the other side.”
This segment was by far my favorite part of the show. Aleeza was phenomenal at getting everyone in the audience involved in asking questions. Not only did we learn a lot about the contestants, but more importantly, we gained knowledge about how to ask meaningful dating questions. Once the three females answered all of the questions, three males were called up and went through the same process again, with us in the audience asking them questions following the three stages of questions.
After the event, Aleeza stayed behind to autograph copies of her book for those who had one. Ahava and I had the opportunity to meet her and express our admiration. We briefly shared our own unique story of how we initially connected during the challenging times of COVID, relying on Zoom dates for a duration of two months before finally having the chance to meet face-to-face. Aleeza appreciated hearing about our experience and the journey we had undertaken.
Overall, I had an awesome time at the event and learned a lot. From the moment Aleeza took the stage, her energy and passion were infectious, just as I had witnessed on the show. Her dedication to matchmaking was evident, and she proved to be an exceptional orator. Every word she spoke held the audience captive, and it was incredible to witness her live.
Aleeza always had the perfect witty response to each answer. She was also great at reading between the lines of the contestants’ responses, frequently being able to extract the deeper meaning of what they meant or what they were looking for. I especially appreciated that Aleeza made all of her lessons so easy to remember, whether by using rhymes such as “Date ’em ’til you hate ’em,” “When in doubt, go out,” and “analysis paralysis” (a term for people in today’s age who have an overabundance of dating options through apps and suggestions, leading to decision-making paralysis), or short lists like the three stages of questions or the three jobs of a shadchan.
If you have the chance to attend an Aleeza Ben Shalom event in person, I highly recommend it. You will learn a lot, laugh a lot, and maybe even meet your soulmate. In the meantime, consider checking out the Netflix show “Jewish Matchmaking.” It is an easy watch and thoroughly entertaining. Thank you so much to the Chabad Young Professionals of Hoboken & Jersey City for organizing the event. It was truly inspiring, and they did a fantastic job putting it together.
Zachary Greenberg is a consultant at Semler Brossy and the TABC track coach. Zack recently joined the No. 1 trending dating app Loop to set up friends. Additionally, Zack recently watched the film “Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse” in theaters. If you have any recommendations of fun places for Zack to cover, email him at [email protected]. For more content, follow Zack @FunZacktivities on Instagram.
