Dear Dr. Chani,
I’ve been dating someone—let’s call him Sammy—for quite some time now, and things are OK. There’s nothing particularly wrong with our relationship. It is just that I do not feel anything towards him. I always believed that when I met the right person, I would just know. I imagined that a feeling of certainty would wash over me, and I would feel it deep in my bones. But now, I am not so sure what to expect anymore, and, honestly, it is shaking my confidence.
When I think about Sammy, I feel so fortunate to be dating such a great guy. He is super nice, smart, and incredibly driven—qualities that I was looking for. We are even on the same page religiously—which is something not easy for me to find since I have a unique blend in my outlook. Whenever we speak, I am amazed at how similar we are and how safe I feel with Sammy. I feel like I would have to be crazy to break up with him.
Yet, as strange as it may sound, I do not feel a pull towards him. When he texts me, I do not feel happy. When he calls me, I do not feel excitement. When I see him, I feel like I am getting together with a study buddy or something. Going on dates with him is always fun and relaxed, but I do not feel enough of an attraction.
I am wondering if there is something bothering me about Sammy that I can’t put my finger on, or if I have my own “commitment problem” that I need to get over. I am torn. On the one hand, I would love to get excited about Sammy and move forward towards getting engaged. Yet, on the other hand, I can’t ignore my nagging doubts. If I continue to feel this way, I worry that I will have no choice but to break up with him—even though thinking about ending it with Sammy fills me with sadness.
I am so confused. What might be holding me back? How can I sort through these emotions and find clarity? Your guidance would mean the world to me.
Sincerely,
Conflicted
Dear Conflicted,
I can understand your angst about making a decision in your relationship with Sammy. You are blessed to be dating someone who sounds like a wonderful person and who has many of the qualities you are looking for in a life partner. At the same time, since you do not feel excited, you feel unable to move forward and take the relationship to the next level. Understandably, you fear that you might end up feeling like you made a mistake.
I agree with your hesitation about moving on to the next step in a relationship without feeling ready. It is best to sort through your emotions and to give yourself more time to develop your relationship before making this significant decision.
There are steps you can take on your own, and steps you can take together with Sammy to help you achieve clarity. Let’s explore what you can do.
First, it is important to understand that relationships do not always follow the narrative of an overwhelming “aha” moment. While some people do experience a visceral certainty when meeting the right person, most people build connection and love gradually. Emotional growth does not usually mirror the instant romantic drama portrayed in novels and movies.
There are many reasons why you might not be “feeling it” even though you and Sammy are very compatible. Here are some questions you can think about to help you get more clarity.
“Are you worrying about what ‘they’ will say?”
Sometimes, people suppress an intuitive sense about the person they are dating because they feel societal or internalized pressure. You might actually like Sammy but you are suppressing your positive feelings because you are worried that he might not meet the approval of other people, such as your family or friends.
“Is there something about Sammy that you are unsure about?”
Alternatively, the opposite may be true. You may find something that is bothering you about Sammy, but you are suppressing your feelings because you do not want people—including yourself—to see you as shallow or shortsighted.
To help you sort through your emotions, try to separate what matters to you from what others think. Prioritize what is important to you and focus on what you care about. You are the person you will be living with Sammy. Explore what matters to you and think about if Sammy embodies those qualities.
If you do uncover specific things that you are unsure about, depending on what the issue is, you might find it helpful to speak about it with Sammy. Discussing your concern may lead Sammy to explain things that can shift your perspective. If, however, your issue is something that you do not feel would be helpful to discuss with Sammy, you might find someone else you trust to talk to about your thoughts and feelings.
“Can you develop your relationship to get more clarity?”
Even though you do not yet feel emotionally connected to Sammy, this does not necessarily signal that something is wrong. One possibility is that you and Sammy have not shared enough conversations or experiences that can lead you to feel an emotional connection.
While you have highlighted many admirable qualities about Sammy, you did not mention how open you are with each other about your relationship, your feelings, or deeper aspects of yourselves. Sometimes relationships can feel surface-level or stagnant if emotional vulnerability is not actively nurtured.
To develop your emotional bond, try to take your conversations to a deeper level. For example, when you are sharing details about your day, go beyond the facts. Share the emotions you felt during your experiences—whether it was excitement, joy, frustration or doubt. This kind of openness signals trust and invites your partner to do the same. When you both share feelings, it creates a safe space for connection and mutual understanding. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and giving your partner the opportunity to understand you and support you is one of the most powerful ways to strengthen the bond between you.
Do not be afraid to let your guard down and share some of your own vulnerabilities. Sometimes we hesitate to show uncertainty or insecurity because we fear it might make us appear weak or less desirable. In truth, sharing these parts of yourself only makes you more relatable and human, allowing Sammy to connect with the real you—not just the composed version. We all have doubts and imperfections; embracing them can strengthen your relationship rather than weaken it.
“Have you discussed how you feel about each other?”
Another crucial element to consider is how you perceive Sammy’s feelings toward you. Relationships thrive when both partners feel accepted, appreciated and validated. If you are unsure how Sammy feels about you on a deeper level, try taking the initiative to express what you admire about him. Compliment him sincerely on specific qualities you have noticed—his thoughtfulness, wit, motivation—whatever it is that makes him stand out to you. Compliments have an incredible way of building connection, as they often encourage the other person to reciprocate and share positive things they feel about you. This exchange can reinforce emotional closeness and give you greater insight into your partner’s view of the relationship.
As you go about exploring these questions and taking action to clarify your feelings, you may find it helpful to speak to a therapist. The steps I described above are only some of the many possible questions you may consider to help you get clarity. Confiding in a nonjudgmental and insightful professional to speak to about your feelings can help you navigate your relationship and make a confident decision.
Allow yourself the time and space to develop your relationship and gain clarity. Making a lifelong commitment is a big decision, and it is natural to feel some level of anxiety about it. Give yourself permission to slow down. Continue learning about Sammy, sharing your thoughts and feelings, and letting the relationship evolve organically. Clarity often emerges when you give yourself space to breathe and reflect, free from the weight of deadlines or external expectations. Whatever path you choose, trust that you have the strength and wisdom to navigate it and make the decision that is right for you.
Wishing you much success,
Chani
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Dr. Chani Maybruch is a social psychologist who has specialized in helping people build and enhance their relationships for over two decades. If you would like to improve your personal and professional relationships, reach out to her at chanimaybruch.com.
