(Courtesy of JFS/PSS) As we head into a new Yom Tov season, things start to get a bit hectic. We find ourselves busy with cooking, cleaning, preparations and travel, all in anticipation of Pesach. Fully aware of the holiday’s requirements, we strive to uphold its high standards as we enter this joyous season.

In the midst of the hustle, we often overlook where our kids are and what they are doing. With so much going on, we sometimes become less vigilant about supervising them, thinking, “What could happen anyway?”

The Torah describes the night of the Yetziat Mitzrayim as “ליל שמורים לה’…שמורים לכל בני ישראל” (“That was for Hashem a night of vigil to bring them out of the land of Mitzrayim; that same night is Hashem’s, one of vigil for all the children of Israel throughout the ages” – Shemos 12:42). Rabbi Shamshon Refael Hirsch interprets this verse by explaining that what Hashem demonstrated that night was the culmination of centuries of intense and abundant care. From then on, it became the nation’s responsibility to carry out its mission with similar dedication and care (Hirsch Chumash, Feldheim). Rabbi Hirsch provides a crucial insight into our role as the Jewish people: Just as Hashem showed us constant and profound care in our formation and continues to do so, it is our duty to approach every task He has given us with the same level of intensive and abundant care.

One of these tasks is to be vigilant about our children’s welfare. This means giving our children constant supervision to ensure they are in a safe and healthy environment at all times. Given the importance of this task, it is not something about which we can be relaxed. Rather, it is a task that requires our full attention and to do so with intensive and abundant care.

To help us be more careful, let’s take a look at some risk factors. Current leaders in the field of child sexual abuse note that in the majority of cases, the victim knows their abuser, and often, it is a family member (Lopiansky et al., 2017). A recent study (Rosenbach et al., 2023) found that over two-thirds of frum female sexual abuse victims (68%) were abused by someone within their family. Although this may seem frightening, with proper, diligent care, there are plenty of ways to help our children stay safe.

At PSS (Project Sarah Services), we strive to ensure that all necessary precautions are in place to enable you and your family to have the most joyous time during the holidays. As the statewide program serving Jewish families impacted by abuse, and as leaders in providing culturally sensitive abuse-prevention education in schools, camps and youth groups, PSS is here to help you learn about risk factors so that you can keep your loved ones safe.

In a groundbreaking article, Rabbi Aharon Lopiansky explores this issue in detail and offers guidance on how we should approach these matters as individuals and as a community. Rabbi Lopiansky explains that one of the most effective ways to protect our children involves fostering a culture of safety in our homes and greater communities (Lopiansky et al., 2017). This starts with promoting dialogue around safety, risks and potential red flags. This empowers children, adolescents and adults to speak up for themselves and others if they observe or experience something outside of the norm. What we will present here is informed by this groundbreaking work.

Additionally, the guidelines presented here are culled from our presentations given at schools, shuls and camps, which are informed by the Magen Yeladim Institute and Safety Kid Program founded by Debbie Fox, LCSW. The basic guidelines are making sure that very “clear protocols” are given in each appropriate setting.

PSS recommends the following guidelines:

1. Make frequent routine checks during in-home playdates. Whether passing through a room while completing household tasks, offering a plate of snacks, or casually asking questions about the game your children are playing, taking regular opportunities for a quick scan is a good way to help keep kids’ behavior in check and for you to be alert of any signs of potential trouble.
2. Establish clear rules for visitors. This is especially relevant to those staying overnight or for long hours. For example, keep all doors unlocked, possibly even ajar, whenever children are with visitors; encourage children to invite a small group of peers rather than spending one-on-one time, etc. Consider whether any (or all) of these suggestions may work well year-round in your home and family.
3. Maintain a diligent “middle ground” approach. As safe as “helicopter” parenting can feel to adults, children often experience it as overbearing and might withdraw. To keep a healthy distance, aim to be alert and not overly involved. Ask for details of a planned playdate—and offer follow-up questions when your child returns home from shul about where they spent their time, with whom, etc.
4. Search out opportunities to build comfort and open discussion of uncomfortable topics as a family. This might include events and experiences that bring up confusion or even upsetting emotions and thoughts for your children. These conversations could be a passing comment, lasting hardly a minute or longer, depending on the age and nature of each child.
5. Deepen your child(ren)’s understanding of personal boundaries. Examples may include teaching or modeling appropriate ways to play with peers on the playground or practicing how your child can verbalize his or her own preferences for physical contact with family members. We can help children develop their own inner guide or trust their intuition by naming an “uh oh” feeling or “wiggling in the belly” sensation as a signal to themselves.
6. Model respectful relationships with others and yourself. Despite the chaos of holiday preparation and observance, let us find room to be mindful of how we interact with other family members— and how we speak to ourselves. When we make a mistake, can we practice showing grace to others and ourselves by taking a deep breath and handling the situation from a responsive rather than a reactive place. There is no better way to teach children how to treat themselves and others with respect than by modeling this behavior ourselves.

By using these guidelines, we can appropriately integrate these safety tools into any situation that may arise. Obviously, each situation is different and requires us to apply these guidelines in a unique way. If further information or consultation is needed, contact information for PSS can be found in the adjacent ad.

Wishing everyone a Chag Kasher V’Sameach!

Lopiansky, A., Ber man, Y., & Eisen, E. (2017). Child sexual abuse in the frum community—An overview. Dialogue, 7, 10-76.

Rosenbach, N., Salamon, M. J., & Kirschner, E. (2023). Intra verses extrafamilial sexual abuse in the Orthodox Jewish community.