Should you plan a vacation or work trip based on proximity to kosher restaurants? Yes, you should, especially based on quality kosher establishments around the world. Does every continent and country in the world have a quality kosher restaurant? No, they do not. What qualifies as a quality kosher establishment? Now that’s a tricky question.

Nearly every kosher restaurant opening begins with the benefit of the doubt because there is a misguided mystique around the opening of a new kosher venue. Kosher-eating Jews have limited options when dining out so they desperately want to believe that every kosher restaurant is well worth patronizing (showing support for). Unfortunately, some kosher restaurants are so inferior that they are well worth patronizing (behaving in a condescending manner toward something or someone). It is naive to expect every kosher restaurant to live up to the hype simply because it is kosher just like it is naive to expect every yeshiva to deliver a stellar Jewish education or every synagogue to provide a highly inspirational service. Like with many things in life, it’s a mistake to put form over substance. It’s also a mistake to put ice over an open fire, unless you need hot water.

Some kosher restaurants suffer from an overall lack of cleanliness. This often occurs when such establishments are frequented by large families with many young children who enjoy making a mess. Of course, the existence of large Jewish families with many young children is a beautiful thing because it means that the Jewish nation is growing and thriving. That said, sometimes it would be nice if some would do the growing and thriving at home rather than making every kosher restaurant look like the victim of an epic and tragic food fight.

Some kosher restaurants suffer from a lack of friendly and effective service. Waiters and waitresses sometimes seem aloof and overwhelmed, possibly because their patience and kindness have been destroyed by patrons making annoying, unreasonable and/or unfathomable requests. For example, here are some hypothetical requests by kosher-eating diners that likely would drive a server to insanity or at least resignation:

Can the grilled chicken be un-grilled?

Does the shawarma spit spin clockwise or counter-clockwise?

Do you have any square falafel balls?

Can I order pizza without the cheese, sauce or dough?

Is the vegetarian option fleishig?

How can you serve hot dogs if dogs don’t have split hooves and chew their cud?

I know you have gefilte fish but do you also have gefilte birds and gefilte mammals?

Instead of mashed potatoes, can I have pulverized potatoes?

Isn’t the term “pita bread” redundant because pita is bread?

Can I have a mixture of white, brown and yellow rice? I don’t want to discriminate.

Some kosher restaurants suffer from a lousy location. Proximity matters so do not open a new kosher restaurant in an area with few kosher eaters. Along the same lines, do not open a bookstore in an area with few literates and do not open an ice cream parlor in the northernmost Arctic (but if you do, be sure to feature at least one of the following flavors: peppermint permafrost, Eskimo eclair or vanilla tundra). You also should not open a tanning salon near the equator (but if you do, please do not call it “Burn Boutique,” “Singe Salon” or “Char Bar”).

The best kosher restaurants leave their customers desperately wanting to return for a follow-up meal. Repeat customers are the true measure of success. A kosher restaurant will endure if its clientele comes to rely on it as a staple of their diets. Ideally, you want your customers showing up for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Of course, that would be problematic if your restaurant does not actually serve three meals a day. One solution would be to combine menu items so that all needs are met. For example, a restaurant could offer chicken and waffles, brisket and pancakes and flanken and french toast.

The least successful kosher restaurants often struggle because they choose the wrong marketing tactics. A kosher restaurant’s advertisements should send the right message to potential customers. Here are examples of slogans for kosher restaurants that would likely draw the largest crowds:

Large Portions, Almost Excessive But Just Short of Wasteful

You Can Choose Your Table and We’ll Even Ask Others to Move Tables Just So You Can Feel Like a Big Macher

The Menu Is Merely a Suggestion—You Can Order Whatever You Want

Send Your Order Back As Many Times As You Want—The Chef Will Not Be Annoyed or Insulted

Make a Mess—We Don’t Care

Talk as Loud as You Want—We Don’t Care

Hang Out at Your Table Long After You’ve Concluded Your Meal, Even If We Have to Turn Away Other Customers—We Don’t Care

Final Thought: It is better to lose your appetite than to lose your cool, perspective or train of thought.

By Jon Kranz