The current discord and rifts within Klal Yisrael pose a huge challenge, undermining our fundamental identification as “goy echad ba’aretz —one nation in the land,”and visibly affecting our ability to work together, benefit from each other, influence each other, and stand together as a unified community to confront our many external challenges.
Sinat chinam (vain hatred) is both generated and expressed by lashon hara, negative speech (see the third paragraph of the introduction to Sefer Chafetz Chaim), making the guarding of our tongue, shemirat halashon, essential to building peaceful togetherness. Towards this end, in our parsha (Devarim 24:9) we are given the central mitzvat aseih, positive commandment of shemirat halashon, as we are instructed to remember that when Miriam spoke negatively of Moshe she was struck with leprosy and had to be isolated from the community. Revisiting that story provides three specific positive directions that can directly impact our personal relationships and our current communal dynamics.
First, we can engage in speaking to each other rather than about each other. As described in the original narrative (Bamidbar 12:1), Miriam had spoken b’Moshe, about Moshe. Had she chosen instead to share her concern directly with Moshe the issue would have generated connection rather than isolation, triggering a discussion between them about the Torah basis for his choice. Our Sages taught that instead of using the tongue to speak negatively about others we should use it to engage with them in Torah study (Avodah Zara 19b), as in that context, even arguments lead to mutual love and respect (Kiddushin 30b). We should not speak negatively about people whom we only know about and with whom we have not directly and meaningfully engaged.
Second, look at others with an eye to identifying their strengths. We are prone to severely misjudge the people whom we criticize, lowering them to be within striking distance of our disdain. Miriam’s attack on Moshe began with the assumption that they were prophets on equal footing. “Is it only to Moshe that God spoke?! He has spoken to us as well!” She had failed to see the greatness of Moshe that is a core principle of our faith, that he was in a league of his own whose prophecy was qualitatively different from anyone else’s, “lo kam b’Yisrael k’Moshe.” Thus Magen Avraham (OC 60:1) cites the Kabbalistic teachings of Rav Yitzchak Luria, the Arizal, who suggests that we should recall Miriam when in the bracha before the Shema we speak of Hashem’s bringing us close to Him, “so that we can be grateful to (Him).” “We were created to be grateful rather than to speak negatively.” The story of Miriam reminds us that anytime we speak of other individuals or of a different segment of Klal Yisrael we should begin by clearly identifying their strengths, the areas we can appreciate in them and where we can learn from them.
I was privileged to learn this value from years of having the responsibility to deliver eulogies. The maspid (eulogizer) is instructed to speak positively and generously about the deceased while avoiding exaggeration (Yoreh Deah 344:1). Though some might consider this impossible in some cases, it has been the experience of many that given the responsibility to uncover the good in others, we can easily see how every person—even those with meaningful flaws—has unique strengths and praiseworthy qualities that we can easily identify when we are charged with doing so, even though left to our own devices, we will usually focus on the negative.
Third, identify strongly with those whom we speak about. The dynamic of lashon hara and of sinat chinam is predicated on an assumption of “us vs. them” that immediately evaporates when we stop and recognize that we are each other’s flesh and blood. When Miriam spoke against her brother Moshe and contracted leprosy as a result, Aharon helped Moshe bring her back to health by having him see her illness as his own, that her suffering was as if half of Moshe’s own flesh had been consumed. Instead of striking back at Miriam or meeting her words with a stony silence, Moshe instead used his power of speech to pray to Hashem for Miriam to be healed. We all can make that choice; when faced with “others” we may be tempted to put down and criticize, we can instead see them as ours and pray and work for their betterment.
We can take steps to bridge our gaps if we engage in speaking to each other rather than about each other; look at others with an eye to identifying their strengths rather than their flaws; and if we identify strongly with those about whom we speak and instead of putting them down, pray for them to be uplifted.
Rabbi Moshe Hauer is executive vice president of the Orthodox Union (OU), the nation’s largest Orthodox Jewish umbrella organization.
