Dear Penina,
My husband was recently diagnosed with a serious illness, and he’s adamant that we keep the news private, sharing it only with our immediate family. He wants to avoid people asking questions, talking about him, or offering help. While I understand his desire for privacy, I’m struggling with this decision. I desperately need to talk to my friends and receive their emotional and logistical support during this challenging time. How can I explain my needs to my husband without making him feel guilty or burdened while he’s dealing with his illness?
Sincerely,
Sad & Scared
Dear Sad & Scared,
I’m deeply sorry you’re navigating this incredibly challenging time. Please know that I’m here to support you. Every situation is unique, influenced by the specifics of the illness and individual family dynamics. I’d like to share some suggestions that have proven helpful in my personal and professional experience with similar situations. While these may not be tailored to your exact needs, I hope they provide a useful starting point. Ultimately, you’ll discover what works best for your family. Thank you for reaching out.
You are clearly in a tough spot. On top of your husband’s illness, you’re being asked to put your own needs on hold, which is extremely difficult. You’re in a tough spot and I hope Hashem grants your husband a refuah sheleima and grants you the strength to support him through this challenge.
Your husband is undoubtedly going through a tremendous ordeal, but as his ezer k’negdo, you’re suffering greatly as well. I understand your need for support from siblings and friends; it truly takes a village! We all have different, legitimate ways of coping, and how you go through this is very important.
When someone is ill, the golden rule is to help them in the way they want to be helped, not in the way you would want. That rule is very important and we encourage friends and family to respect that rule in any situation of illness. However, you are his wife and this illness is affecting you deeply. You aren’t just looking for the best way to be helpful. You deserve to be supported through this, which makes your question quite complicated.
You and your husband should definitely have a conversation about this sensitive topic. He should understand what you are going through and you should also take another opportunity to hear his perspective. I suggest validating your husband’s need for privacy and asking if you can confide in one person so you can lean on them and be a better wife, mom and person. If he agrees, then perhaps after a few weeks you can revisit the conversation and see if he would be open to possibly sharing the news with one or two more trusted individuals. Additionally, finding a rabbi or a mental health professional experienced with dealing with these issues could be very helpful for both of you.
I am confident that if the two of you communicate openly (both of you sharing, supporting and listening) and regularly, you will find the right path for you in this journey together.
